Marriage Maintenance: Don’t Let Love Collect Dust!

Welcome to the Inspiring Marriages Podcast.

We have Jeff and Teresa Fields, and our mission is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage that God has designed.

Teresa, we are on week 18.

Wow.

Of our Redeem the Time series.

Yes.

You’re not losing love, you’re losing time.

That’s amazing to have covered all that material in 18 weeks.

And today we’re talking about building a marriage that will last a lifetime.

Sounds like the love of God.

The love of God endures forever.

And that’s really what we need in our marriages, isn’t it?

Oh, that’s certainly true, Teresa.

Let’s just spend a little time talking about how couples drift.

Some marriages seem to go stronger and stronger year after year, but there’s some marriages that where the couples slowly drift apart.

So it’s really a dramatic single event.

It’s this.

Over time, the marriage isn’t maintained.

That’s a good way to say it.

And everybody knows this.

If you don’t maintain your car, if you don’t get the oil change, you don’t get your brakes checked, over time, your car will wear out.

You’ll actually shorten the life of your car and will lead to huge repair bills.

Yes, it will.

Now, we know this.

That in nature tends to disorder.

It tends to disorganization.

It doesn’t trend left alone things, they don’t get better if you don’t maintain.

If you see an abandoned house, it will.

It doesn’t take long for it to look like a shack overgrown with weeds and a station and mold and terrible.

Just for simply lack of care, lack of maintenance.

Right?

So in marriage, it’s not really the big grand things that hold it together.

That’s marriage is those small, intentional choices that repeated every single day.

That’s so good.

Yes.

I love that word, intentional, because it’s easy to start taking each other for granted.

They know I care.

My spouse knows that I love him or her.

We do things together.

You might start making excuses like that, but if one or both of you is feeling neglected, then there really hasn’t been enough intentional choices, like you said,.

Because marriage is really shaped every day, not shaped yearly basis.

No, that would be terrible.

If we only tended to our marriage once a year.

That’d be terrible.

It’s like you had a garden.

Say you’re having a.

You’re going to have a garden.

You plant a garden in the spring and you plan to reap some vegetables in the summer or in the fall.

There are things you have to do all along the way, you have to weed your garden.

You have to water your garden.

You have to take care of it.

So if you just waited until the very last day to do any watering or do any weeding or doing fertilizing, that garden will not be healthy.

No.

Even if something sprouted, it would soon wither and die without any water, without any care.

Or the weeds would take over without any tending the gardens.

So that’s how marriage is.

In a tree, where you have to every day do small, sweet things for each other.

It’s those kind words.

Yes.

It’s the words that speak life, not bring down.

That’s so ladies, you know that one your husband’s biggest needs is honor.

So when a husband hears I love you, it doesn’t mean the same thing as it does to his wife.

He hears I love you when his wife honors him.

That’s what affects him.

That’s so good.

The words of honor affect the husband as the words I love you affect the wife.

Wow.

So they have the effect, but we’re affected differently.

So it’s those small things we do for each other.

We need to know our spouse’s love language.

It can be touch, it can be acts of service, it can be time, it can be gifts and words of affirmation so you know how your, your spouse responds.

So learn how to love your spouse in the way that they perceive it.

That’s why it’s so important, Teresa, to have daily connection, to have eye to eye contact with your spouse.

That’s right.

And to put away the distractions and put away distractions in it, Theresa.

Oh, yes, yes.

Because they steal our time.

Whether we realize it or not, they are stealing our time.

It could be phones, it could be tv, it could be schedules.

Ministry.

Yeah, ministry.

It could be just making a lot of, doing a lot of unnecessary things that are just taking away time from your marriage, even from your family.

Your time is precious.

It is so important to protect our marriage from being schedule managers.

And you got to protect our marriage from busyness.

You get to the point where all your conversations about your schedule, that’s not really where you want to be in your marriage.

No, no.

There’s no depth there.

There’s no sharing of the hearts and there’s no spiritual communion going on there.

There’s no growth happening there.

It’s a very cheap imitation of having a marriage relationship, isn’t it?

And we don’t want that.

And what We’ve learned over 35 years, very soon.

35 Years of marriage.

Yes.

So wonderful.

Is just how important.

Just making the effort to meet each other’s needs, minister to each other in a way that the other can’t receives it the most.

That’ll transform your marriage.

It really will.

Because if you learn your spouse’s primary love language and you practice that regularly, if it’s words of affirmation, always speak uplifting words that build your spouse up, they’re not going to get a big ego from that.

They’re going to feel loved.

And if your spouse learns your love language and does that for you, like acts of service, Jeff learned that pretty early on.

That was mine.

And when he does something for me that I didn’t ask him to do, it could be cleaning, it could be washing dishes, it could be, I’ll run to the grocery store for you.

I’m just like, oh, I feel so loved by my husband.

That’s important because we need to feel loved.

We need to have a satisfying, rich.

Marriage that is so good.

That leads us to our new book.

Our new book is available on Amazon and it’s called you’d’re not Losing love, you’re Losing time.

It is how Christian couples drift apart and more importantly, how to rebuild that connection.

Rebuild.

And so that is available on Amazon right now and it’s also available on Kindle.

So if you want to spend a little less and you like to have your books on your tablet and if you enjoy that, that is available for you also if you go that way Also, Teresa, we have a free redeemed time marriage audit.

Wow, that’s amazing.

Everybody to go through and it’s free.

If you go to our website inspiringmarriages.net resources there will be a marriage audit link.

You just click on that link, you mention your email address and you will get the PDF.

And it’s not a report card.

You don’t pass, you don’t fail.

But it’s just an honest assessment of where you’re spending your time.

Areas where you’re strong, areas where you’re not so strong, areas for you to concentrate on building your marriage and building the friendship in your marriage and redeeming the time in your marriage.

And so all we all know that there’s opportunities for us to spend our time more wisely, isn’t it, Teresa?

That’s right.

That’s so good.

Teresa and I were friends two and a half years before we ever entered into a dating relationship.

And so we know the importance of friendship and marriage.

And I’m sure everyone who is listening to this, you also know that.

So it’s not something unique to our relationship, but you.

It’s important to keep that friendship strong.

It’s important to keep investing in your marriage by investing in your friendship.

And romance is great.

Romance is nice.

Romance is the spice of life.

Romance gives you the feelings and it’s puts the icing on the cake.

But the cake is the friendship.

Exactly.

That’s a lot more substance than icing.

You can have the best icing in the world, but if you have a sour cake, oh dear.

It is inedible.

It really is.

So.

So if there’s some couples you’re feeling emotionally distant, instead of trying to work on rekindling your romance, it’d be better to spend your time and your energy into rebuilding your friendship.

That is so true.

So God designed marriage.

For friendship to be the foundation of marriage is just like any kind of builder knows.

You can’t build a building without a strong foundation.

You have to work on the foundation first.

That’s why you see builders when they work on a house, you see them spend a lot of time on that foundation.

If the off when the foundation’s bad, the house is going to be crooked.

Yes.

It reminds me of marriages that get started just based on romantic feelings.

I feel I love this person so much and we’re so in love and you have all these romantic moments, but you really don’t know each other as friends yet.

If that’s all that your marriage was based on.

So not to have regret, but just to say you can start building that foundation of friendship in your marriage at any point.

Don’t regret what happened or didn’t happen in the past, but you can build that friendship today.

And that’s why it’s so encouraging.

Because we even had seasons where we weren’t purposely building our friendship or keeping our friendship strong.

And we got busy.

We got had a lot of responsibilities going on with raising our children and jobs and all of that.

But when we realize we just don’t feel as close as we used to, then we knew we’ve got to get back to what keeps our friendship strong and so good.

And one of the great things about being friends that really establishes emotional safety.

Yes.

Your marriage has to be a place where your spouse can come to you and talk to you about anything.

A fear of being rejected, dismissed, some.

Some other words.

Ridiculed.

Yes.

Or belittle.

That spouse’s thoughts and feelings matter.

You have to be able to come to you.

Not an accusatory way, but come to you with a legitimate concern or a thought or a Feeling and be able to present that to you without being rejected.

That’s right.

And you’re right.

That’s.

We don’t venture to share things on a deeper level without that safety, without that security in your relationship.

And that really only gets built by friendship, by having a spiritual relationship, talking about things one on one as friends and being open and honest with each other and not judging each other when you hear something that’s.

I don’t really like to hear that.

And of course, continually forgiving each other.

Because friends do that.

They don’t hold grudges.

They want to keep the communication open.

They want to keep their friendship kind and enjoyable.

And all of that applies in marriage.

We don’t forget how to be friends because we’re married.

You wouldn’t treat a friend sometimes like you treat your spouse.

There needs to be some adjustments.

Oh, that’s a good thought.

Teresa in it reminds me of ministers, those who have a ministry.

And.

And we’ve seen too often, too many times where people outside the family may get treated better than people inside the family.

Not because the person is evil, they’re not intentionally doing that, but because there’s.

The need sometimes is so great.

And it.

And it puts so much pressure onto the minister.

Maybe both the husband and wife are ministers and.

And have a ministry.

And the need is so great sometimes it’s overwhelming.

Yeah.

And you get emotionally drained.

I tend to treat.

And maybe the family feels like they treat the other people better than they treat me.

And that’s.

And it should not paraphrase Paul a little bit.

That should not be.

Should not be good thing.

And once we have established emotional safety, that’s really when intimacy can build and develop.

And intimacy in all areas.

Talk about spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy and physical intimacy, where all those areas can really be enhanced because there’s emotional safety in your marriage.

And one thing that’s a truth that cannot be denied.

Friends enjoy being together.

And you and your spouse need to find things joy being together.

Exactly.

And you might have completely different interests.

Maybe he likes the hunt and you don’t like it.

Or maybe he likes to golf and she likes to.

She may have hobbies like painting or crocheting or some other things.

Maybe she likes to go to antique stores and you rather eat chalk than go to an antique store.

But you make allowances for each other and you just.

You learn to enjoy the journey and enjoy just being together and just doing something that the other person enjoys.

And that’s really an act of service.

Yes, it is.

Yes.

Doing that make some sacrifices.

And that’s a seed that you’re planning into your marriage where you’re doing something for your spouse not to get anything back.

Because that spending time with your spouse blesses your spouse.

That’s so good.

And it blesses your spouse to do something that wouldn’t have been your preference, but you enjoy seeing your spouse enjoy it.

And like you said, it helps you spend time together.

Exactly.

And one thing friends do, they pursue each other.

Remember when you were dating how between the dates, how you were looking forward to the next date?

Okay, oh, Friday night we’re going on a date.

And you remember, guys, how you would used to plan the date and how you would take where you’re going to take her.

If it’s going to be a movie, which movies you’re going to go to, what time does the movie start?

So if we need to go dinner first, then we leave at this time in order to get to the movie theater this other time, you get the popcorn and get to your seats in time.

So you guys, you plan the time to your date.

Ladies, you would plan, you find out what kind of place are we going to?

Then you would plan your outfit and you would think about, what should I wear?

Do I look cute in this or do I.

This makes good.

And you just kind of just think about different things.

And the shoes, what kind of shoes should you wear?

Would that look good with the outfit or not?

How should I wear my hair?

And.

Right.

Which earrings should I wear?

What kind of necklace should I.

And you would go through all those different things because friends pursue each other.

You’re doing things to please each other.

Exactly.

Pursue each other.

And like you said, those long talks that we would have, we could talk for hours after when we just seen each other.

It was hard to get in our own cars and go home.

We just wanted to talk for a long time after, you know, how often.

You talked and how long you talked before.

That’s how your friendship grew.

That’s why you fell in love.

And that’s.

Attainability is an important part of marriage.

And then once you do that, that romance will just naturally grow from that.

It’s really a fruit.

It’s not what you begin with.

Romance is a fruit from your friendship.

Oh, that is so good.

Oh, I like that.

Romance is a fruit from your friendship.

I like that.

I think that’s another T shirt.

That’s another T shirt.

Romance blooms from friendship.

Or it’s fruit.

Yeah, we should have put that in the book.

Another book.

Oh, man, that Was good.

That reminds us of our book.

Yes, you’re Not Losing love, you’re Losing Time.

Available on Amazon in a paperback version and in Kindle.

But we also have on their free redeemed a time marriage audit where you just, you fill it out together.

But you, how much time are you spending each week on, on this.

How much time are you spending on that?

How much time you spend on this?

You add up all those minutes.

How much minutes are you spending on different things?

I really don’t want to spend all that much time doing this.

I would rather spend my time doing that.

So you, it doesn’t, it’s not a pass or fail.

It just gives you an idea where you are right now and where to make adjustments.

Just like when you’re doing a budget and the first time you write out your budget and how much time, how much money you’re spending on something you don’t really don’t want to spend money on, like eat out that much.

It’s, that’s too much money.

That’s too much of our income.

So you make adjustments, you start making meals together and you start doing other things together, make the adjustments.

So same thing with this marriage audit.

It just lets you know where you are and yes, go through that audit every six months or so and just see where you are and see how things are going.

That’s so good.

Which, Teresa, that brings us to how our marriages can leave a legacy.

Yes.

I love this.

So one of the greatest purposes of your marriage is to reflect God’s faithfulness.

Yes.

That is so true.

A healthy, Christ centered marriage doesn’t just bless a husband and wife, which is a true blessing.

It also encourages family, it strengthens churches, it inspires younger couples, and it points people to Christ.

Because Paul told us that the marriage relationship is a reflection of the church.

He really did.

He called it a mystery.

He really did.

So whether your marriage influences children, grandchildren, friends, or couples that you may not even met, the way you invest in your marriage today can leave a legacy that lasts for generations.

And it doesn’t matter if you have children or not.

Maybe you have biological children, maybe you don’t.

Your marriage, your marriage still can be an inspiration to younger people.

So that’s not a limitation on your marriage.

Teresa, that is so true.

Because some people have spiritual children even after their children are grown.

They’re like parents or aunts and uncles or grandparents to other people in the church or maybe people that they work with and they can see the peace, they can see the steadiness in Your life, they can see if they watch you as a couple together, they can see the harmony and the love and the just the unconditional love that’s so rare in the world.

So that really grabs people’s attention when they see a couple that loves each other unconditionally, that’s very powerful.

So there are habits in our marriage that has changed everything.

So when we started going on our little marriage retreats, and you don’t have to spend a lot of money, just have to get a.

You got to remove yourself from distractions.

If you can do that in your house, you can do that in your house.

But if you need to unplug the Internet, unplug the.

The television for a weekend, unplug the television and unplug the Internet for a weekend and just get that down to business and talk about where your marriage is.

Do the marriage audit.

Find out where you are in your marriage and do an assessment of, this is where our marriage has been, but this is where we want to go.

And you make out.

Go get a clear vision, write the vision, make a plan so others who read it can run.

Teresa?

Yes, we have done that a few times at a vision retreat where we were assessing what’s the vision for our marriage now compared to maybe a few years ago when we thought we knew where we were headed.

But you really have to have a vision out in front of you to become unified about what you’re doing everything for.

And if things that in your life are not serving, moving towards that purpose.

And that vision for your marriage, for your family, you may have a business together, you may have a ministry together, but that needs to have a vision that God has given you.

So you are working together for that same purpose.

Because the world is so great at distracting people and married couples, you know, just not working together, not working towards the same goals.

But that we found that really helped us realize that, wow, we’re just out here doing this or out here doing that, and it’s not working towards helping us get closer to what God has put in front of us.

This is what we need to be doing.

So that I know that really has helped us just get that vision, write things down, talk about it, pray about it, and just get solid on what you want to do with your marriage and with your lives.

And once you have a vision for your marriage, then it’s easy to know what to say yes to and what to say no to.

That’s right.

Is this something that’s going to hinder our vision?

Is this something that’s going to hinder the purpose of our marriage.

Is this something that’s going to distract us?

Is this a distraction to our marriage?

Then that’s a no.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Don’t use your time on it.

Don’t spend your emotional time.

Pull away from your marriage to do that.

Yeah.

Sometimes you just have to just step away from some relationships too that are pulling you away from your marriage being strong.

So that all figures into it.

Sometimes you, you have to do that.

You have to make the hard choices sometimes.

Yes.

To for your marriage.

One great thing is to have daily eye to eye contact where you’re looking each other’s eyes.

Pray together every day.

Pray for and over your spouse and every single day.

I’m not talking about an hour, we’re talking about five minutes.

You start with five minutes.

And it is a habit that will transform your marriage.

And a Christ centered marriage really reflects the gospel.

Yes.

The good news.

How good God is.

How God can take two people and with all our flaws and everything and he can make us one flesh where we are serving God together and we come together.

And God will use the strength of one to help the other one get strong in that area.

Yes.

And it just, we just kind of enhance each other and help each other and just really improve and it really pull together towards your assignment.

Pull together.

Really reaching towards the mark, Forgetting what’s behind and looking forward and pushing towards the mark.

Yes.

And I think about a lot of couples, their goals are get my kids through school or finish this assignment or finish that assignment or do all these things for work.

And their goals haven’t been about their marriage.

So for some people it’s going to be a real shift to focus on your marriage instead of focusing on goals for the children or goals for other people outside of your family.

Work goals, those things have their place.

But if you don’t have goals for your marriage, you will be drifting.

When we don’t want to see marriages shipwrecked because it wasn’t the maintaining there wasn’t reality or having a vision together and working together towards some goals.

We want to encourage you.

Maybe you are a newlywed or maybe you’ve been married for a long time.

God has a wonderful plan for your marriage.

And even if you’re feeling disconnected right now, God can heal that in such a short time.

He can.

And one way for to do that is to invest in your marriage.

That’s right.

And what the most valuable thing you can invest in your marriage is your time.

Now on our resource pages they.netresources we have a seven day devotional called From Lonely to Best Friends Again where seven days you can go from where you are today to Best friends in just seven days.

Also take advantage of the marriage audit.

It’s there, it’s.

There’s a link to it on the webpage.net resources there’s a marriage audit that you can have for free.

Pick up the book, you’re not losing love, you’re losing time.

Pick it up at Amazon, either the paperback or you can pick it up a Kindle version of it.

And it’s one way for you to invest in your marriage to make your marriage stronger.

So we want to encourage you no matter where you are in your marriage, God is faithful and God can and will make you one.

And he will bring you back if you apply his principles.

If not only do Matthew 7:24 25 talks about the man who hears and does is like the man who built this house upon the rock.

And when the storms came, floods came, the winds came, the house stood.

If you just hear, you’re like the man who builds his house upon the sand.

And when the storm came, the house fell.

So if you’re hearing now, you need to do doing and take advantage of those resources.

The marriage audit is free.

You can have that.

The seven day devotional From Lonely to Best Friends Again is free.

The 100 conversation starters is free.

The 90 day marriage devotional is free from the website.

Take advantage of that.

That’s right.

That will get you on the same page about a lot of things that might have been just kind of unknowns before.

You’ll actually have some concrete things written down, concrete things to pray over, you know, scriptures to use to stand on for your marriage, it really will reset your marriage.

No matter where you are newly married, been married some years or married for decades like us, everybody can use a really good reset in their marriage.

And so we want to encourage you.

If you need to drop us a line, inspiringmarriagest.net is our email address.

Our website is inspiringmarriages.net you can get on there and see all those resources.

All our podcasts are there on the podcast tab.

Three years of podcast, right?

Almost three years.

Three years in a podcast right there on the website.

2.

Take advantage of all those resources.

Invest in your marriage because you’re worth it and your spouse is worth it and both are worth it.

Your family is worth it.

So until next week, we love you.

And remember, God designed husband and wife to be friends for life.