We’re diving into the nitty-gritty of what it means to invest in your marriage, and trust me, it’s not just about spending time together. Jeff and I, Teresa, are all about building that deep connection, and we’re chatting about how being physically close doesn’t always mean you’re emotionally connected. We’ll explore the difference between just hanging out and really engaging with each other. Plus, we’ll share some sweet and funny moments from our own marriage that highlight how intentional investing can transform your relationship. So grab your favorite drink, kick back, and let’s figure out how to make those investments count! In this podcast episode, Jeff and Teresa Fields dive headfirst into the concept of investing in your marriage. They kick things off by highlighting the journey of their ‘redeemed time arc’ and how each week they’ve focused on different aspects: awareness, alignment, adjustment, and now investment. They emphasize that simply spending time together doesn’t equate to actually investing in your relationship. You can be in the same room as your partner but still feel worlds apart. They get real about what true engagement looks like, from sharing genuine conversations to creating moments of connection. Jeff shares how simple gestures, like holding hands while praying, can make a spouse feel cherished and valued. They stress the importance of understanding each other’s love languages, diving into how what makes one partner feel loved might not resonate with the other. The episode wraps up with a challenge for listeners to intentionally invest in one area of their marriage, reminding us that small, consistent efforts can lead to significant transformations.
Takeaways:
- Investing time in your marriage means more than just being physically close; it’s about genuine engagement and connection.
- Communication is key in a marriage, but sharing deeper emotions creates a stronger bond than just exchanging information.
- Understanding each other’s love languages is crucial for making your partner feel truly loved and appreciated.
- Regular quality time together, even in simple forms like walks or shared chores, can significantly enhance your emotional connection.
- Spiritual investment, like praying together and discussing faith, fosters a deeper bond between partners in a Christian marriage.
- Keep learning about each other as you grow; marriage is an ongoing journey of discovery and connection.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Welcome to the Inspiring Marriages podcast.
Speaker A:We are Jeff and Teresa Fields, and our mission is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage that God has designed for them.
Speaker A:Right now, we’re right in the middle of our redeemed time arc.
Speaker A:Our first week we talked about being aware of where we’re spending our time.
Speaker A:The second week we talked about alignment.
Speaker A:Does spending our time aligned with our values and our priorities?
Speaker A:The third week was talking about adjustment, and this week we’re talking about investment.
Speaker A:What are we building with the time that we have?
Speaker A:And that’s a great question.
Speaker A:So spending time together, is it not necessarily investing?
Speaker A:You can be together all day and all evening and not connect.
Speaker A:You can eat together, you can watch television together, you can ride a car together, you can even go on vacation together and still not really invest in each other.
Speaker A:So there is a big difference between being close to each other over proximity, near each other, and being engaged with each other.
Speaker A:Now you.
Speaker A:Yeah, public transit.
Speaker A:Transit.
Speaker A:You can be close to people all day and not really be engaged with them.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:You wouldn’t want to really be touching them with you.
Speaker A:So the question is, we, what are we building with the time we’re spending together?
Speaker A:So awareness showed us the time alignment evaluated it adjusted, created some room.
Speaker A:Now investment asked what we’re going to build inside that room that we created.
Speaker A:So, Teresa, what are some of the things that I do that makes you feel like I’m investing in you?
Speaker B:Oh, wow.
Speaker B:I think what I enjoy the most is I know we take hands together, like when we’re going to pray over a meal, but if you’re looking into my eyes and holding one or both of my hands and talking to me or just saying something sweet to me, that really makes me feel like you are investing in me and in our relationship.
Speaker B:Like it doesn’t matter what else is going on.
Speaker B:You’re just focused on me as a person, as your wife, as the person you are, are devoted to.
Speaker B:And that’s so powerful to me.
Speaker B:Just having eye contact, physical contact, and communicating something heartfelt that’s just so beautiful.
Speaker B:So what do I do that makes you feel invested in?
Speaker A:One of my primary love language is words of affirmation.
Speaker A:So when you talk to me and you affirm me and you tell me that you believe in me and you encourage me, that makes me feel invested in.
Speaker B:I’m so glad.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So we need really things that we have to had to learn is how does each other feel connected?
Speaker A:It’s just like the love languages I can’t just give Teresa love her the way that I feel loved.
Speaker A:I have to love her the way she feels love.
Speaker A:So if she feels loved by words, she feels love word.
Speaker A:If she feels loved by acts of service, then me using words of affirmation doesn’t do a lot for her.
Speaker A:Or if my primary love language was touch and all I’m doing is touching her and.
Speaker A:But she, her primary language may be time, so that’s not doing a lot for us.
Speaker A:So we have to learn how to make the other person feel connected.
Speaker A:And it may be not and probably not how you feel connected.
Speaker B:So yeah, it really will help to ask your spouse how what do I do or what can I do that makes you feel loved?
Speaker B:And that’s important because a lot of people don’t know that their spouse has a love language that primarily says I, I feel loved when you do this.
Speaker B:So it’s good to find that out about each other.
Speaker A:It’s something also important.
Speaker A:Teresa’s friendship is something that we continue to build.
Speaker A:We never get to the point where we say, I have arrived, we are done now we’re just going to be on autopilot.
Speaker A:And when you find out, you’ll be auto drifting.
Speaker B:Yes, exactly.
Speaker A:So it’s really important to continue to enjoy each other, continue to do things that we really enjoy doing together.
Speaker A:Now, every, every spouse is different now.
Speaker A:Every couple is different.
Speaker A:Every marriage is different.
Speaker A:Not what Teresa and I enjoy doing, you may not enjoy it.
Speaker A:And things that you enjoy, we may not enjoy.
Speaker A:So that’s why every couple needs to do something that they enjoy.
Speaker B:Yeah, we’re not going to go skiing.
Speaker B:I can tell you that right now.
Speaker B:Yes, that’s so true.
Speaker B:And we love to laugh together.
Speaker B:We’ll tell each other funny stories or reminisce about some humorous things that have happened in our many years that we’ve known each other.
Speaker B:That, that’s always so fun to me.
Speaker B:Just making sure we can be light hearted because the world has enough things going on that make you concerned or serious.
Speaker B:We love to laugh together.
Speaker A:Oh yes.
Speaker A:Laugh, enjoy, laugh together.
Speaker A:And we enjoy doing things together, whether it’s doing chores together or doing a task together.
Speaker A:I think recently we talked about a good thing about just take a task that you’re doing and just do it together.
Speaker A:Folding clothes.
Speaker A:Or just do something together and do things together.
Speaker A:If one of you is going to run an errand, both of you can run in here.
Speaker B:That’s right.
Speaker B:That’s right.
Speaker B:Just redeeming that time instead of being apart and you can actually talk when you’re doing these things together.
Speaker B:It’s nice.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And develop shared interest.
Speaker A:Maybe it’s interest in history or interest in music or interest in art.
Speaker A:Just some shared interest.
Speaker A:And watch a documentary about it.
Speaker A:Just develop some shared interest.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker B:That’s really important because I think we’ve talked about having.
Speaker B:It’s not mental.
Speaker B:What’s the word?
Speaker B:We’ve talked about having intellectual intimacy.
Speaker B:And to me, I’d never heard it described that way.
Speaker B:But when you learn new things together or you find out your spouse is interested in something and you don’t know anything about it, wow.
Speaker B:I want to learn about that.
Speaker B:And we can go experience this together.
Speaker B:Whether it’s like just said, going to a history museum or finding out facts about your ancestry.
Speaker B:That’s so amazing.
Speaker B:It’s fascinating.
Speaker B:Find things that you can be interested in together, even if it’s something you didn’t know your spouse was interested in.
Speaker B:It can be like a whole new world.
Speaker A:Whole new world.
Speaker A:And always have days.
Speaker A:Now, dates don’t have to be expensive.
Speaker A:They don’t have to be substantive.
Speaker A:They can just be.
Speaker A:It’s kitchen table.
Speaker A:It could be a picnic in the park.
Speaker A:It doesn’t have to be expensive, but so important to have uninterrupted, no distraction time together.
Speaker B:Yes, that’s important.
Speaker B:Just the two of you.
Speaker B:It may take more working out some things to be able to do that, but it’s so worth it because you can’t really focus on each other unless you have one on one time away from the house or a little time away from the kids.
Speaker B:And be able to set aside responsibilities.
Speaker B:It’s a great investment in your marriage.
Speaker A:And talk about something besides our responsibilities.
Speaker A:You build your friendship by talking about you too.
Speaker A:Don’t just talk about schedules and tasks and response, who’s got to be here, what’s going to be done and what bill has to be paid or when this has to be done.
Speaker A:Talk about each other and remain curious about each other.
Speaker A:Keep asking questions that invite a discussion, not just a yes, no answer.
Speaker A:Our friendship has.
Speaker A:In 35 years, our friendship has changed.
Speaker A:We’re just like any other newlywed person, not really knowing each other.
Speaker A:You don’t really know a person or two.
Speaker A:You’re married to them.
Speaker B:You can know a lot of things about each other, but you don’t know the more intimate things.
Speaker B:And you find out each other’s little quirks and differences.
Speaker B:And I didn’t know you did things that way.
Speaker B:But it’s okay.
Speaker B:You just make adjustments for each other.
Speaker B:But even as your marriage progresses, as time passes, you are changing.
Speaker B:You are thinking differently about some things.
Speaker B:You may have new interests.
Speaker B:You may have totally different goals and desires and dreams than you had as newlyweds.
Speaker B:Or.
Speaker B:Or maybe by 10 years or 20 years, you’re going to be developing and changing and growing.
Speaker B:So keep getting to know each other, keep learning about each other in every stage of your married life.
Speaker A:Teresa, do you think we’re better friends today than we were when we got married?
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:I think in the sense of knowing each other more deeply and having a lot more experiences together, yes, I think we’re better friends in that sense.
Speaker B:But we already had such a trust in each other, such a godly friendship that.
Speaker B:That has really still been there all the way through, even if we didn’t know how to maintain it in some stages of our marriage that never left us.
Speaker B:So I could say we had that foundation and we built on it.
Speaker B:So, yes, in that way, we could say we’re better friends.
Speaker B:But I think the friendship has.
Speaker B:Has been just a constant for me, for both of us.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I think we are 35 years ago, we were a lot younger, and we’re just entering into our marriage.
Speaker A:I think that we’re able to really be vulnerable to each other and share the deep things of our hearts now that we probably couldn’t have done 35 years ago.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:We have a track record of 35 years of understanding and acceptance.
Speaker B:And it’s true.
Speaker A:Just growing closer to each other.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So we already talked about this, but conversation is one of the greatest investments that you can make in your marriage.
Speaker A:Sometimes you do have to talk about kids and schedules and bills and appointments and work and church and responsibilities.
Speaker A:But there is a goal of every day sharing something personal every day.
Speaker A:Some of that best conversation can be happen.
Speaker A:Can happen while we’re walking.
Speaker A:It can happen while we’re driving.
Speaker A:It can be happen while we’re fixing dinner.
Speaker B:Fixing dinner.
Speaker A:Having dinner or having dinner or just lying in bed, we can have some great conversations.
Speaker B:Yes, we can.
Speaker A:So there’s a difference here.
Speaker A:Communication exchanges information, but connection shares ourselves.
Speaker B:Oh, that’s a great.
Speaker A:When you share yourself, that’s really when you’re making a connection.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker B:So it does involve some, if you want to say, vulnerability.
Speaker B:But when you have trust in each other and in the Lord for your marriage, it’s not as hard as you might think.
Speaker B:I don’t know if I could share this about myself, this childhood fear or this thing that I’ve been concerned about this week.
Speaker B:Yes you can.
Speaker B:Because if you need to pray first before you share deeper things, then, then do that.
Speaker B:But that will really bring such beautiful connection in your marriage.
Speaker A:And you don’t have to manufacture a deep, life changing conversation every night.
Speaker A:You just create an environment where personal conversations just continue to happen.
Speaker B:Yeah, I like to call it a safe place.
Speaker A:Oh yeah.
Speaker B:We feel like when we come together just alone to talk or to share anything, this is a safe place.
Speaker B:There’s no judgment and we’re going to listen to each other and be kind hearted to each other and love each other about whatever we’re talking about.
Speaker B:But like you said, it doesn’t have to be something deep every night.
Speaker A:And it’s so important to invest emotionally so it’s really going to a deeper level.
Speaker A:So it’s, the question is what does it mean to know what’s going inside your spouse?
Speaker A:It’s when you ask each other questions like this, how can I pray for you?
Speaker A:What are you concerned about right now?
Speaker A:What are the things that are on your mind right when you think about things, what are you thinking about?
Speaker B:What are you excited about?
Speaker B:Is there something great that happened today or something you’re looking forward to that’s happening soon?
Speaker A:And the things that you’re dreaming about.
Speaker A:What, how can I help you?
Speaker A:Just different things that you.
Speaker A:Conversation that invite discussion.
Speaker A:We’re not just really wanting a yes or no answer.
Speaker A:And fine, yes, everything’s fine.
Speaker A:We don’t want those.
Speaker A:We really want a discussion.
Speaker A:And now guys, we have a tendency, we want to fix things.
Speaker A:But sometimes your wife just wants you to listen.
Speaker A:And so you had, we had.
Speaker A:You have to learn how to have a conversations without thinking about your response.
Speaker A:So just active listening, listening to your, your spouse without thinking about what you’re, what you should say back.
Speaker A:Sometimes guys, your wife just wants you to listen to her.
Speaker B:Yes, we women just need to use words and emotions, just express what’s going on with ourselves.
Speaker B:I think we’d explode if we couldn’t.
Speaker B:Which this just the way most women are wired as far as I, I know I am.
Speaker B:I need to talk something out.
Speaker B:I need to share something that’s on my heart.
Speaker B:And he’s the best person for me to talk to about anything.
Speaker B:For me to go to a girlfriend and talk about it instead of talking to Jeff, that’s not the best avenue.
Speaker B:We really need to go to our spouse first with anything, whether it’s a concern or a good thing.
Speaker B:But Jeff’s such a good listener.
Speaker B:He really is.
Speaker B:Unless like we’ve talked about before.
Speaker B:He’s, I’m trying to bring up something and he’s already tired, he’s already in bed and he’s ready to go to sleep.
Speaker B:That’s not the best time.
Speaker B:So yes, we women just love to share.
Speaker B:We love to talk things out and he doesn’t have to fix it.
Speaker B:He can listen.
Speaker B:And I, a lot of times I feel like the problem solved because I just got to talk about it.
Speaker A:That is true.
Speaker A:And it’s so important to invest spiritually into each other.
Speaker A:It’s so important to pray with and for your spouse.
Speaker A:And you may feel awkward about praying with your spouse.
Speaker A:It’s really easy, just take time.
Speaker A:Just a sentence, what you’re thankful about your spouse and just say don’t pray.
Speaker A:That what you think about your spouse.
Speaker A:Bring up a common concern and just thank God for the answer.
Speaker A:It’s really not hard to pray for, for and over your spouse and then talk about God is teaching you.
Speaker A:What’s God teaching you in your prayer time, in your Bible study time?
Speaker A:Share scripture together.
Speaker A:Take time to text different scripture verses to each other and just make the spiritual conversation normal.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker A:It should be normal in your Christian marriage for you talk about spiritual matters.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:It should be normal to talk about God.
Speaker A:It should be normal to talk about God’s principles and should be normal.
Speaker A:Talk about the Bible.
Speaker A:Should be normal.
Speaker A:Talk about prayer in a Christian marriage.
Speaker A:Those should be normal, normalized topics.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Because you can’t walk together unless you’re in agreement.
Speaker B:We bring that verse up so many times on this podcast.
Speaker B:So if he’s thinking one thing and I’m thinking another thing, God’s word will get us centered on the right thing and not his opinion or her opinion.
Speaker B:This is what’s true.
Speaker B:Let’s both walk according to this and make our marriage match up to this principle in the word.
Speaker B:I don’t want to be a brow beating wife.
Speaker B:Let’s say I want to be a wife.
Speaker B:That’s encouraging and kind.
Speaker B:I got that from scripture.
Speaker B:I don’t want to complain.
Speaker B:I want to be bringing concerns to him in the right way.
Speaker B:We got that from scripture and he does the same thing.
Speaker B:And, and talking about spiritual things is such a benefit to your marriage.
Speaker B:It’s continuing to build a foundation to grow to.
Speaker B:Let’s see.
Speaker B:It’s continuing to create a foundation to build on.
Speaker A:That’s so good.
Speaker A:And it’s also important that even while you’re serving Christ, you got to not let ministry replace your marriage.
Speaker A:I’m saying yes.
Speaker A:Don’t let the things of ministry crowd out the ultimate ministry to your spouse and ultimate serving your spouse.
Speaker A:Because you can become so busy doing things for everybody else and other families that you can neglect your own families.
Speaker A:Is that all over the world and with ministers and their children have.
Speaker A:They don’t want to have anything to do with the ministry because they were neglected.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:In their household.
Speaker A:So don’t let ministry replace your marriage.
Speaker A:So Teresa, what’s different about hearing your hearing me pray for you?
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker A:What’s different about pray specifically for you?
Speaker B:It to me is you’re taking your place as a priest of our home and a spiritual head in our marriage.
Speaker B:But it’s also like the father’s heart ministering to me through you for you to know what I’m concerned about and take it to the Lord.
Speaker B:And that just ministers to me like God is personally hearing.
Speaker B:Not that he doesn’t hear me when I pray, but God is hearing you pray for me.
Speaker B:It’s just like any other intercession.
Speaker B:It is powerful when someone intercedes for another person.
Speaker B:That’s a powerful spiritual concept at work and it accomplishes so much.
Speaker B:I can pray about something, but I might be praying about it out of my worry or doubt about the situation or my frustration.
Speaker B:He’s not being affected by that.
Speaker B:He prays over me and I can receive the peace of God even if I don’t have the answer yet because wow, he’s burden bearing with me.
Speaker B:He’s taking this to the Lord together with me.
Speaker B:And it’s just really brings a lot of peace, a lot of assurance.
Speaker A:So good long answer.
Speaker A:It’s good.
Speaker B:Sorry.
Speaker A:There’s something else that we learned that physical affection, intimacy.
Speaker A:That matters too.
Speaker A:Hugs and kisses and holding hands and sitting close, touching as you walk past, greeting each other warmly.
Speaker A:Those nice long hugs whenever one of us comes home.
Speaker A:Yeah, that’s just great.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker A:No but physical intimacy is so important to.
Speaker A:It shouldn’t continually just get whatever energy is left after everyone and everything else gets has received our best.
Speaker A:It just takes intentionality to make sure you’re.
Speaker A:We are.
Speaker A:That you are ministering to your spouse in the ways that your spouse needs to be ministered to.
Speaker B:That’s right.
Speaker A:And we’ve also learned that investment doesn’t have to cost money.
Speaker A:So investment in your marriage, it doesn’t have to cost A walk doesn’t cost anything?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:For a walk.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:If you’re going to drive to the store anyway or go on an errand or take your spouse along and use that time to invest in your marriage.
Speaker A:Having coffee and tea together, sitting outside on the porch, talking at the table, listening to music.
Speaker B:Listening to music.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:I like that.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:It doesn’t have to be expensive just to take some time to spend together.
Speaker A:You can spend $150 on your dinner and still not produce connection.
Speaker A:No, but you go on a 30 minute walk and you might, you’ll have, you can produce a 30 minutes worth of connection there.
Speaker A:Investment isn’t determined by what we spend, is determined by what you build.
Speaker B:That’s right.
Speaker B:That’s right.
Speaker A:So what do you think we need to keep investing in during this season of our marriage?
Speaker A:And we’re in a season of marriage where our kids don’t need help.
Speaker A:They’re not much, basically grown and.
Speaker A:But no, we have a granddaughter we could talk about 24 7, but we had to keep even that.
Speaker A:Even though we want to keep talking about our granddaughter 24 7, we still have to talk about Jeff and Teresa and what’s going on with our lives.
Speaker A:But what do you, Teresa, what do you think we need to keep investing in during this season of our marriage after 35 years?
Speaker B:Of course, what our hopes and dreams are for the future.
Speaker B:Because we know we have a lot of years ahead of us.
Speaker B:Even if this is the starting in.
Speaker B:We’re halfway into the fourth decade of our marriage and we’re not younglings now, but we know God still has a lot of things for us.
Speaker B:I think talking about what really just makes our eyes sparkle, just the things that God is putting in front of us that he wants us to do and we get to do together because in this season of our life.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:We get to do more things together than we have done in the past.
Speaker B:And it’s exciting to me just getting into being authors together, possibly going places to speak together, making plans for things that God wants to do with this marriage ministry and how we’re going to impact other people that is really inspiring for our marriage.
Speaker B:We’re called inspiring marriages.
Speaker B:But doing this together has been very inspiring for us.
Speaker B:And we’re not just making plans, but talking about what’s important about doing this.
Speaker B:That this is something God wants us to do, that God desires for us to do together.
Speaker A:That’s so good, Teresa.
Speaker A:Now remember, a healthy marriage isn’t something you finish building.
Speaker A:You never finish it.
Speaker B:We’re done.
Speaker A:We’re finished it.
Speaker A:Ready?
Speaker A:Move on.
Speaker A:No, you never finish it.
Speaker A:So this week, closing challenge.
Speaker A:Here we go.
Speaker A:This challenge this week is what is one area of your marriage that you would like to intentionally invest in more.
Speaker A:What is one area of your marriage that you would like to intentionally invest in more?
Speaker A:Maybe it’s your friendship, maybe it’s your conversation, maybe emotional connection.
Speaker A:Maybe it’s your spiritual connection.
Speaker A:Maybe it’s your affection, your intimacy.
Speaker A:Maybe it’s your fun.
Speaker A:Or maybe it’s simply undivided attention and choose one small way to invest in it.
Speaker A:This week we’re not telling you to do all seven.
Speaker A:No, we’re just asking do one small thing.
Speaker A:So one investment doesn’t transform a marriage, but one invest.
Speaker A:Investment in repeated becomes a pattern and those patterns begin changing direction your relationship.
Speaker A:Then something happens.
Speaker A:This is very patterns for transformation.
Speaker A:Time is not redeemed by how much you have, is redeemed by what you intentionally build within it.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker A:So if you go to our website inspiringmarriages.net resources, you’re going to find a lot of great stuff there.
Speaker A:You’re going to find 20 creative data ideas.
Speaker A:You’re going to find 100 conversation starters.
Speaker A:You’re going to find a 90 day Bible reading plan for Christian couples.
Speaker A:And also you will find a redeemed time marriage audit where you can take an audit and find out where you’re spending your time.
Speaker A:And on Amazon we have two great resources.
Speaker A:We have you’re not Losing Love, you’re Losing Time, available on paperback and Kindle and grab that resource.
Speaker A:And we have another great resource called 30 Days.
Speaker A:Rebuild your friendship is a guided marriage resource.
Speaker A:We take you through 30 days.
Speaker A:It’s full of scriptures and topics and discussions and fill in the blanks.
Speaker A:It is a great resource to use.
Speaker A:Grab that resource today.
Speaker A:So until next time, remember, God designed husband and wife to be friends for life.
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