Marriage Communication: We Started Asking Real Questions, Not Just Sharing Information

When your spouse doesn’t feel like your best friend anymore.

Have you ever looked at your spouse and thought, I love you, I know you love me, but somehow we don’t feel as close as we used to.

So, Teresa, when you think about friendship and marriage, what does being best friends actually mean to you?

Wow.

I think it’s someone that you enjoy being with.

Someone you can talk to about anything that’s on your mind, in your heart.

Someone who’s a partner in life and spiritual things and friendship and romance.

That’s how I think about it.

Ask you the next question.

Okay.

Want to see how this goes?

So, Jeff, do you think a husband and wife can have a good marriage but still realize they’ve stopped being very good friends?

I think that’s a. I think they can be good partners.

I think they can be good co parent, co parents, good providers, good roommates.

But I don’t know if I would call that a good marriage because.

But once you become aware that there’s an area in your marriage that’s lacking, then this opportunity to tackle that marriage and to be intentional about that area and feed that area, feed that friendship.

Give it some super vitamins.

Intentional.

Give it time, watch it grow.

Yeah.

And so what we want to make sure one knows is that we’re not talking about marriages that are in crisis and that your marriage is doomed.

We’re not talking about.

These are just ordinary marriages where you just realize that you’re not as close friends like you used to be.

Your friendship is not as strong as it used to be.

Life gets so busy, and even though you love each other, your friendship and spending time together to build friendship gets crowded out of your daily life.

It’s ordinary husbands and wives now.

Before we were ever married, before we ever had our first date, we were friends.

So we would do things together.

We would do things as a group.

We would sometimes minister together at different places, attend church functions, concerts, and we just enjoyed being in a group of friends that just enjoyed each other.

Teresa?

Yes, that’s right.

And there was nothing there.

No soulish pressure, no expectations of any kind.

We were just like brother and sister in the Lord.

But that was great because there was so much freedom in that.

No pressure to be romantic or anything like that.

Some things we would talk about is some of the current worship songs or a song on the radio, somebody’s book we might talk about a book or the latest Carmen cassette.

Yeah, those were the days.

This we would just talk about.

And then this gave us an opportunity to learn about each other’s.

Character.

Yes.

I learned how that you were steadfast, that you genuinely loved the Lord.

You were a Christian girl.

And I was able to observe your character over time.

Yes.

I really not like intentionally looking for it, but I could see how you treated other people, especially other young women, whether they were single or married.

Your character was very steady.

You were very faithful and dedicated.

In anything that you said you were going to do, you.

You would do it and follow through.

You weren’t just devoted at your job, you were.

You’re very faithful in ministry and very supportive to other people, whether they were family members or church members or just friends in a singles group.

I really liked seeing what your character was like in many different situations.

And we made each other laugh.

Oh, yes.

Like the Three Stooges.

And we just.

And there’s a movie that we watched as friends or as it actually watched it as a group, the man from Snowy river.

And just different things.

And we just enjoyed different things.

And.

And I think that’s important to know each other as friends before the ever entered the romantic relationship.

Because once romance interest, the equation, it kind of skews people’s perspectives.

Definitely.

And make you see things that.

That you should see and not see things that you should see.

Exactly.

Yes.

But one of the things that we learned is that friendship isn’t merely something that gets you to marriage.

It’s something that your marriage continues to need.

This is huge.

Yes.

So no one wakes up one morning and decides, you know what?

We’re going to stop being best friends.

So what happens after marriage?

You got your jobs.

Maybe if you are a working mother, you have a job.

So don’t.

Don’t let anybody tell you’re not working.

You are.

Yes, you are full time.

You are a working mom.

You have the highest calling.

I great.

We have great respect for you.

So you got jobs.

You might have children.

You might do homeschooling.

There’s ministry time.

There’s the bills.

There’s a household responsibilities.

Even if you’re both working jobs, those dishes still have to be washed.

Those clothes still has to be washed.

That lawn still has to be mowed.

So there’s a lot of household responsibilities.

Those kids gotta have baths.

Yes.

I have to be fed and have to be fed.

There are family needs, especially if you are need help your aging parents.

So there is just a lot of things going on.

So you don’t really just wake up and decide not to be friends.

It’s just life gets crowded.

Yes.

So, Teresa, was there ever a season where we Were so busy doing things, but we weren’t giving our best to each other.

Yes, probably more than one season.

But like you said, even though I wasn’t working outside of the home, I started homeschooling when our oldest son, our son Joseph was four and a half.

So that was my new career that I didn’t know I was going to be doing.

So homeschooling and taking care of the kids even beyond their schoolwork.

I was busy.

You were busy with your job.

It got to a place I know in one season where you were working a lot of overtime.

So I wasn’t a single parent, but I felt like maybe this is what it feels like to be a single parent if he can’t be home much.

And I’m still handling everything day and night and for the children, for myself or the household, so it can be stressful.

So for us, it was hard to find time to just work on our friendship or spend time together by ourselves.

And I think the key is there we were doing good things, but at preventing us from giving our best to each other.

And one of the things that we have learned to be to guard against in our marriage and been married over three decades is not to give out everything before we give out to our spouse.

Like I’m saying, come to the end of the day and you just have just enough energy or.

Or desire to peck.

Good night,.

Crash.

Don’t give out.

Don’t give your best.

I’m saying don’t give everything else your best.

Like giving your job 110%, your job, your kids, the kids.

And then when it’s time for you to.

Neither of you has anything left.

You’re either exhausted or just emotionally drained.

Don’t give best to your job.

Don’t give your best to your ministry.

Don’t give best to your kids.

You have to save some of the best for your spouse.

And it may not be every night that you can give the best to your spouse, but at least plan or agree on a day or a time that you can give more than just what’s left over to each other.

And yeah, that’s a good way to put it, Teresa.

Just don’t give each other what’s left over.

That’s a good.

That’s a good way of saying it, that we can’t live on off of leftovers in our marriage.

When we have a good meal, I don’t mind the leftovers the next day because you did such a great job on making that.

That pot roast or that meatloaf that I Want it again.

The next day is so good.

Yeah.

Just to live on leftovers is not a good way sustain a marriage.

Most couples aren’t abandoning their friendship.

They just stop feeding it.

I think there’s so many married couples that don’t know that, like we’ve said, that friendship that you started before marriage and even continued in your dating relationship.

They don’t know that this is so important to continue that friendship, to focus on that friendship and do things that keep building that friendship.

And we’re saying that it’s not that those things aren’t important.

Of course your kids have to be fed.

They gotta be given baths and being put to bed and be read stories.

And that time is so special.

And you have to put that time in.

Yes, of course you have to cook dinner and you have to put the dishes away.

Of course you have to clean the clothes and fold them.

There’s a lot.

Of course you have to take care of your parents.

And there’s so there’s a lot of things to do.

We’re not saying that they’re not important.

But when your marriage becomes a place where everything gets managed well, then very little things are shared.

That’s so true.

You might get really skilled in managing everything well to the point that you’re not sharing anything between the two of you.

It’s like a business partnership.

And we’re not telling you to stop taking care of your kids.

Not telling you don’t wash your dishes.

You just have to be intentional with your time with your spouse.

We also have to be careful about when our conversations become logistics.

And we’re going to.

Let’s just play it out.

Let’s just play this out.

Okay, now we have these conversations too.

What time are you getting home?

I’m hope to leave by 7:30.

Amen.

Need to aid.

Did you pay the electric bill?

Not yet.

Maybe tomorrow.

Hey, what’s for dinner tonight?

I’m still working on that.

So who’s taking the kids tomorrow to their lessons?

Hey, did you call the man?

No.

Hey, don’t forget we got church Wednesday night.

That’s right.

You can’t work too late.

Don’t forget about church on Wednesday.

So we can have 25 conversations with our spouse in one day and still not really talking.

What now?

We shared just now.

We shared a lot of different things with each other.

We shared information.

Information.

But we really didn’t connect.

No.

So now you need to have those conversations.

Theresa needs to know when I’m coming home.

We may need to remind each other that the special event at church this week or that someone needs to go do his music lesson with those things.

Those conversations are needful and you need to know those things, and they’re part of sharing your life together.

But logistics isn’t an enemy of your friendship.

Logistics just can’t sustain your friendship.

The conversation we just had, we can have that conversation with anybody.

Exactly.

It’s not very exclusive.

You can have that kind of type of conversation with somebody at work.

That doesn’t mean you’re best friends with them.

No, no.

So, Teresa, what makes you feel like I’m genuinely interested in what’s happening inside you rather than just me gathering information?

Once we get past the logistics conversation, if you go further and ask me a question like, how do you feel about that?

Is this something that’s overloading you?

Is this too much to take on?

If you start showing concern for my welfare, not just is everything getting taken care of, but how are you doing what’s on your heart?

Is this stressful?

Are you worried about something?

Do you need help with something?

Yeah.

When you’ve asked me sometimes, would you like me to help you with something that’s going past logistics and saying, now I care about how this is affecting or if you need help so you’re not getting overwhelmed, that’s really important to show that concern and care for what I’m dealing with.

Jeff, what makes you feel known by me?

Everybody wants to be known.

I think it’s when you express gratitude and when you share an appreciation.

Maybe something that I did and because working on our love languages, if your love language is acts of service and say, I make you an omelette, and then maybe my.

One of my primary love language is words of affirmation.

If you tell me how much you enjoyed what I did for you.

Oh, yes.

So that’s.

That’s where I’m going with this.

Yeah.

When you share those.

Share those appreciations for the things I might have done for the family or done for you.

Yes.

I try to be mindful of that, to tell you I appreciate some things and show you that I appreciate it.

Absolutely.

Yes, you do.

Now there’s a danger of thinking, I already know you.

I already know what she’s going to say.

Don’t need to ask her because I know what she’s going to say.

I don’t need to ask him.

I know what he’s already going to say.

There is a danger in that.

And.

And we were talking about this just a few minutes ago, and we all use this phrase before we know each other so we can finish each other’s sentences.

And I don’t know if that’s a good thing anymore.

We used to think that was like, oh, we think alike.

I’m thinking, is that a good thing?

Is.

I don’t know.

So I’m just questioning, is that a good thing?

Or.

So it can be that you’re in a rut.

So after 10, 20, 30, or 35 years, like we have been couples can stop asking questions.

I could think.

I just know what Teresa thinks.

I know she doesn’t like.

She’s not gonna.

That I don’t.

I don’t want onions in my.

I know she’s not gonna want onions under guacamole.

I just know she’s not gonna want onions in your guacamole.

I noticed she’s going to want unsweet tea.

I know that.

I just know.

I just know how she likes, like, her food and.

Or she can say, I just know what Jeff’s going to say.

I want tomatoes on a sandwich.

So he doesn’t like the black olives.

So, I mean, there’s stuff like that.

But the person you married is still changing, so you can’t assume that you know everything about your spouse.

I think there’s a danger, don’t you, Teresa?

Yes.

Yes.

Because like we’ve talked about, we’re not the same two people that we were when we married, going through life for three decades plus some years now.

We’ve seen some things, we’ve experienced some things.

We raised our kids and we have a different outlook about some things than we did then.

But we have to talk about that to each other or we may not be on the same page at all about where we’re headed or what the Lord wants for us and what’s on each other’s hearts.

We’ve gone through so many things in life, good things and some difficult things.

But we have to keep getting to know each other because we’re changing, we’re growing.

We’re two different people than 35 years ago.

And life has changed in 35 years.

Oh, yes.

Though when we first started dating, cell phones was just starting to be affordable.

The brick it was just started being.

Affordable where someone could actually buy them before they.

You can buy them, but they were really expensive.

They were starting to become affordable, and ordinary people were starting to help.

Cell phones, yes.

The Internet, you can dial up using a modem.

You couldn’t use your phone.

If someone called you, it would mess things up.

Your phone line.

And there wasn’t a world Wide Web.

Yet it was.

You had you called into a.

A bulletin board type of place where people discuss things.

It wasn’t graphics and videos and all that stuff.

So the world has changed tremendously.

The idea of doing a podcast wasn’t even an idea.

It wasn’t even an idea.

Anybody’s mind this.

People would actually be doing this and sharing things.

And other people around the world will be listening to what they were saying.

Exactly.

And he was sharing.

So you two have experienced things together.

You’ve lost people, you’ve celebrated things.

You’ve been disappointed, you’ve been elated, you had triumphs, you’ve had victories, you’ve learned, you have grown spiritually and you had developed new interests.

That’s true.

I could say I have known Teresa for decades.

And I have.

But that doesn’t mean I’m finished getting to know Teresa.

That’s right.

And I’ve known you for decades, but I’m still learning new things about you.

Things that you are just discovering or things that you’re thinking about that you weren’t thinking about before.

Things the Lord is showing you.

And I’m fascinated by how you’re changing and developing and growing still.

Now, some things.

Something that we have learned about each other in the last five years that we didn’t know 30 years ago.

I think it is doing this podcast, taking the effort of every single week and doing this podcast for almost three years.

Three years.

I think I’ve grown just to.

I think our friendship has even deepened.

We’re spending intentional time together every week developing these.

These.

These show notes and developing our lessons and developing what we’re going to talk about and spending time talking to each other.

What do you think that we’ve learned about each other in the last five years that we didn’t know 30 years ago?

Wow.

I know.

Just recently finding out you’re quite the writer.

I always thought I was a writer, even though I haven’t written a whole book in my.

Who.

I always imagined I would write a really great novel when I was younger.

But hey, it’s.

If you want to bring that up, I’ll help you.

Yes, he can help me now.

I didn’t know you were a writer.

He turned out to be the little budding writer and he always knew that I was a songwriter.

So that.

That’s nothing new.

But yeah.

And just, I think just getting a glimpse into your thought processes when you’ve been laying out things, not just for the podcast, but for the books that we’re writing.

A lot of it has been watching you go through these thought processes and developing these ideas, and it’s been amazing to watch because you used to do that mostly on your job, right?

Yeah, yeah, I work my job.

Yeah.

And just to see this working out now in books being written, that’s really fascinating to me.

I’m enjoying seeing the new you, more of you.

And every couple, you can do the same thing.

There’s always something new to learn about your spouse.

And you might even.

And that’s.

Right.

You may not be aware of these things inside of each other, but you can.

It’s the fun of discovery, those things, of asking curious questions to bring those things out.

And you may find out, hey, my spouse, really, they do want to write a book out.

And you can help each other and you can encourage each other.

And I know when.

When you.

You wanted to write, you wanted to start this podcast, but it was in a completely different direction before.

And you want to do something to help people, and it’s mostly focused to women.

Yes.

But then why join up to.

To walk side by side with you and to help you.

It just morphed into this inspiring marriages podcast.

We really wanted to help people’s marriages, and we didn’t know that was a desire of our hearts before, but it’s.

I think it was just the Lord put something on our hearts, and he helped it come to pass just by that.

Like you said, that process of discovery, it’s so amazing what God can bring out of that.

When you discover more about each other and what God’s putting in your hearts,.

You might start a business, you might start a ministry.

You might write a book.

You might.

There’s all kinds of things that you might be doing.

And you ask your spouse these questions, those things might just come out.

You’ll be surprised what.

What comes out, and God will bless it.

Teresa, let’s talk about what’s protected our friendship.

Okay.

And now not everyone else needs to do this, but this is something that we did, is we made sure that we have time alone every week where we don’t talk about the kids and we don’t talk about things that are going on, and we actually want to have this every day, but we want to have focused conversation.

Focus.

A time to share with each other.

And.

And we get it.

We know that life gets busy and it can be difficult, but you gotta protect that time.

Yes.

You gotta protect that time as.

As sacred.

And not every conversation goes really deep.

Oh, that’s the most amazing conversation I ever heard.

No, it doesn’t.

No, but it’s real.

You know, your conversation doesn’t have to be the most earth shattering revelation that has ever happened.

Just has to be a real conversation.

Teresa.

Yes.

And you may not know what to start with, but like you said, when you just settle it, that we’re only talking about ourselves.

We’re not talking about everyone else or things going on or even the kids.

It may seem awkward at first.

What else do we talk about?

You may not have ever had this opportunity before, but having that protected time where you plan to just talk to each other, you can just ask each other questions like, did something happen this week that was interesting?

Or was it upsetting, or was it stressful?

Or do we need to pray about something, talk about it and pray about it together.

That’s really helped us.

Okay, now that all the distractions are out of the way, what do you want to talk about?

Or what can we talk about and just open it up to each other?

Yeah.

Talk about funny things.

Yeah.

Something funny that you saw or something funny you thought about, or a joke that you remembered or a joke you heard or things that you’ve been thinking about, or dreams, or maybe it’s actually an actual dream you had, or.

Yeah, it could be dreams, your dreams or desires.

Or it could be about people.

You talk about memories, talk about pleasant memories, childhood memories, or talk about pleasant memories of your marriage.

Talk about your plans, always have.

Make plans, Talk about your plans or just something that happened that day.

Just talk about something.

And also we’re intentional about our affection.

Rarely do we ever go anywhere when I’m not holding Teresa’s hand, usually holding her hand all the time when we’re out walking.

And we’d enjoy long hugs.

And I enjoy it when I come home and she greets me with.

With affection.

And we’re just enjoying ordinary time together.

That’s right.

And whatever else becomes naturally.

We just enjoy being best friends.

Friendship isn’t built only in the extraordinary moments.

It’s mostly built in the ordinary ones.

And we want to talk to you right now.

Maybe you’re listening to this and you’re feeling a little sad because you’re saying, wow, we’re not really friends, best friends anymore.

And we’re not condemning you.

We’re not saying your marriage is doomed.

No, what we’re saying is you don’t have to fix 10 years immediately.

Just start with one moment.

Your life is full of time.

How you spend your time will develop patterns.

These patterns together will determine a direction your marriage.

If you don’t like the way Your direction of your marriage is going change how you’re spending your time.

And don’t try to fix everything at once.

Just do.

Excuse me.

Don’t try to fix everything at once.

Just pick one thing, Pick one conversation to have.

Pick one day to have a conversation and set aside five minutes to have that conversation.

So start spending your time differently and that’s going to create new patterns.

That’s so good.

And maybe your friendship isn’t gone.

Maybe it’s hard to see right now.

Maybe you don’t recognize your friendship, you, marriage.

Maybe it’s just being underfed and you just need to feed your friendship.

You feed your friendship with fun moments.

You feed your friendship with time, intentionality, consistent.

See, you feed that friendship and you feed that friendship and you feed that friendship and you feed that friendship.

Then that friendship will get stronger and stronger.

That’s right.

And stronger.

What has been neglected one moment at a time can begin being rebuilt one moment at a time.

So just, just like you, your friendship probably slowly faded.

You can rebuild it one moment at a time.

And we got a challenge for you this week.

Ta da.

Put your phones away.

Sit together for 15 minutes.

15 Minutes.

And don’t talk about logistics.

Don’t talk about.

Ask each other this question.

What’s something going on inside you right now that you wish I knew more about?

Don’t try to fix it.

Don’t try to correct it.

Don’t explain to them how they shouldn’t feel that way.

Listen to your best friend.

That’s right.

Remember when you would talk to a best friend when you were in school?

You loved it when they would just listen to you and hear you out.

Whatever it was you needed to tell somebody.

That’s how we need to treat our spouse now.

Next week we’re going to start talking about how to really talk again.

Not just exchanging information, but having the kinds of conversations that build friendships.

And until next week, remember, God designed husband and wife to be friends for life.