3 Simple Steps to Revive the Spark in Your Marriage!
Ready to spice things up in your marriage? We’re diving right into the three-step process to rebuild emotional intimacy. Trust me, we’ve all felt that cringe-worthy silence when conversations seem to spiral into arguments. But guess what? You’re not stuck in that awkward zone! We’ll share some easy peasy steps to communicate better, create emotional safety, and keep that connection alive and kicking. So grab your favorite drink, settle in, and let’s get those love vibes flowing again! Rebuilding emotional intimacy in marriage can feel like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions—confusing and frustrating! But fear not! We're diving into a super simple three-step process that will help you connect with your spouse on a deeper level. First up, we tackle the elephant in the room: how do you even start talking again when every conversation feels like you’re walking on eggshells? Let's face it, we’ve all been there, right? So, we kick things off by discussing the importance of emotional safety. It’s all about creating a space where you can chat without it spiraling into a full-blown debate. We’ll share tips on how to talk without the tension, so you won't have to dodge conversations like they’re a dodgeball game! Next, we dive into the nitty-gritty of communication—the tone of your voice matters WAY more than you think. You can deliver a heartfelt message, but if your tone sounds like you’re judging them, you might as well be throwing rocks! So, we’ll give you some handy phrases to soften your approach and keep the peace. Think of it like seasoning your favorite dish: too much salt can ruin the meal, but just the right amount makes it delish! By the end of this episode, you’ll be armed with practical strategies to rebuild that connection, one gentle conversation at a time. Lastly, we wrap it all up with the third step: consistent daily connection. Yep, you heard me right! Just like you water a plant to keep it alive, you need to nurture your relationship with daily check-ins. It can be as simple as looking into each other’s eyes and asking, ‘How are you really doing?’ And hey, we share a fun little game to spice up your conversations, inspired by our favorite rom-coms. So grab your favorite snack, tune in, and let’s get to work on rebuilding that emotional intimacy—because you deserve a marriage that feels like a warm hug!
Takeaways:
- Emotional intimacy isn't rebuilt in one big moment; it's a step-by-step journey.
- Communication should be safe and inviting to help rebuild emotional safety in marriage.
- Using the right tone in conversations can create connection instead of conflict.
- Scheduling time to connect is crucial; healthy conversations are protected, not forced.
Links referenced in this episode:
Please pick up a copy of from lonely to best friends again https://inspiringmarriages.aweb.page/transform-your-marriage-devotional
Transcript
The three step process to rebuild emotional intimacy in your marriage.
Speaker A:Start here.
Speaker A:How do you start talking again when every meaningful conversation feels like it might turn into an argument?
Speaker A:How do you open up when part of you is not sure it's going to be received?
Speaker A:And how do you rebuild connection when it feels like it's been missing for a long time?
Speaker B:If you've ever felt that tension in your marriage, you're not alone.
Speaker B:And more importantly, you're not stuck.
Speaker A:Welcome to the Inspire Marriages podcast.
Speaker A:We're Jeff and Teresa Fields, and our mission is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage that God has designed for them.
Speaker A:And after 34 years of marriage, we learned something that changed everything for us.
Speaker A:Most couples don't need more advice, they just need a process.
Speaker A:Because when emotional intimacy breaks down, it's not rebuilt in one big gigantic moment, is rebuilt step by step.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:So today we're going to walk through a process, a simple, practical, three step process to rebuild emotional intimacy in your marriage.
Speaker A:Starting right where you are.
Speaker A:And as you listen, don't try to fix everything at once.
Speaker A:Just look for your next step that you're supposed to take.
Speaker A:Teresa, let's start at the very beginning.
Speaker A:Does the very beginning is the best place to start?
Speaker B:The very best place to start.
Speaker A:Let's start with one we have to rebuild.
Speaker A:And emotional safety.
Speaker B:Yes, that is so.
Speaker A:So the first step in rebuilding emotional safety is learning how to talk again without it turning into a conflict.
Speaker B:That's good.
Speaker B:We need to bring anything in from before or is it going to.
Speaker A:It's going to be there.
Speaker B:It's going to be there.
Speaker B:Okay, so here's the reality, Jeff.
Speaker B:Most couples don't avoid conversations because they don't care.
Speaker B:They avoid them because they've learned this probably isn't going to go well.
Speaker B:So instead of risking tension, they just choose silence.
Speaker B:Then don't feel like it's a safe place to bring up these topics and.
Speaker A:But problem is, the silence will not solve the problem.
Speaker A:It slowly creates distance.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:In Proverbs 15:1, it tells us a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Speaker A:So let's talk about tone, because tone matters way more than we think it does.
Speaker A:You can say the right thing in the wrong tone and it will go wrong.
Speaker A:So, Teresa, I'm going to give you an example of someone using something, the wrong tone on the fly here.
Speaker A:Tell me, give me what it should have been.
Speaker B:Oh, okay.
Speaker A:You never listened to me.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:So you can try saying, can I share something that's been on my heart?
Speaker A:See, this is the same.
Speaker A:Still talking about the same issue, but it's something completely different.
Speaker A:It's a completely different experience.
Speaker B:Very different tone.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So we've seen this in 34 years of marriage, we've seen this, that there were some times where we, the we're trying to talk about the exact same topic.
Speaker A:But sometimes the tone, the tone will always, the wrong tone will always create tension, but the right tone will always create connection.
Speaker A:So the difference is it wasn't what we said is.
Speaker A:The difference was how we said it.
Speaker A:Body language has a lot to do with it.
Speaker A:Rolling your eyes.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Folded arms makes a big difference.
Speaker A:Here's something.
Speaker A:Tone determines whether a conversation opens or shuts down.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker A:And something else to do with tone, we use imitation, not accusation.
Speaker A:So when you, when your conversation starts with a blame, it's really not going to go very well.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:Your spouse is automatically going to go into a defense mode.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:But when it starts with an invitation, it lowers their guard and lets them keep their heart open.
Speaker A:Because when you're in an intimate relationship with your spouse, and that means you're vulnerable to each other, that means when you're open up yourself, vulnerable, being vulnerable, that's a, that's a situation where you can either be healed or hurt.
Speaker B:That's so true.
Speaker A:Depending upon your spouse's reaction.
Speaker A:So instead of being accusatory, try things like is this a good time to talk?
Speaker A:Or don't say you never.
Speaker A:Or you always say, I want to say this in a way that brings us closer.
Speaker B:Oh yes, that's so good.
Speaker A:Or say I'm not trying to blame, I'm just trying to, for us to understand so we can connect.
Speaker A:You're not trying to win a point.
Speaker A:You're not.
Speaker A:This is not a game.
Speaker A:This is not a contest.
Speaker A:You're not trying to win a point over your spouse.
Speaker A:You're not trying to win an argument.
Speaker A:Because when your spouse loses, you lose.
Speaker A:If you're on the team and you have a player that's striking out and making errors, you're not happy about that.
Speaker A:You want that player to succeed because if that player secedes, you have a better chance of winning and you want to win.
Speaker A:So you don't want your spouse to lose.
Speaker A:If your spouse loses, the team loses.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That's good.
Speaker A:So you're not trying to win, you're trying to protect the relationship.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:And like you said, the right kind of Tone the right.
Speaker B:Of course, choosing the better words does help.
Speaker B:We have to think carefully before we speak.
Speaker B:We're not supposed to be quick to hear and then quick to speak.
Speaker B:We need to be quick to hear and slow to speak and listen to each other.
Speaker B:And sometimes you have to listen beyond the words that you're saying, the words your spouse is saying, but also try to present things in the best words that you can with a good tone.
Speaker B:Just showing respect to one another, showing honor to one another is so important because that does protect your marriage, that does protect your relationship.
Speaker B:We don't want to use words to tear each other down or like you said, to be accusing each other because that does break down the connection.
Speaker A:And timing matters.
Speaker A:Even the right words at the wrong time can go wrong.
Speaker A:If it's late at night and you're both exhausted, even if you're tired, you can be emotionally charged and you might be still, you might be in the middle of stress.
Speaker A:Those are not the times for deep, life changing conversations.
Speaker B:No, no, you'll probably answer the wrong way without meaning to because you're just, you're not fully present and you're tired.
Speaker B:You might be exhausted from physical things or just mentally exhausted.
Speaker B:Some people's jobs are very mentally draining.
Speaker B:And moms, they get physically, emotionally and mentally tired if they're dealing with their kids all day.
Speaker B:It can happen.
Speaker B:So yeah, that's not the best time.
Speaker A:Don't turn over in the middle of the night at 2 o' clock and wake your spouse up, hey, we need to talk.
Speaker A:That is not the best time to.
Speaker B:Talk this deep burning question.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:So instead, sometime during that day, say, is there a time later tonight where we can talk that kind of lets you both know that, okay, I need to reserve some energy, some mental capacity for my spouse that we need to talk about something.
Speaker B:And yeah, and having these conversations at good times will help things not to pile up where you've got a mountain size issue to try to bring up.
Speaker B:Like you said, we need to be consistent with our connection so that we're used to having these conversations.
Speaker B:We're used to being able to bring up things to one another and understand when is the good time for both of us.
Speaker B:So that's so important, Jeff.
Speaker B:It's like moment by moment, we're able to connect, we're able to have conversations, able to keep building our relationship.
Speaker A:Healthy conversations are scheduled, not forced.
Speaker A:If it's important for you, you'll schedule it.
Speaker A:You put important things on your schedule, schedule it and you're protected.
Speaker A:So healthy Conversations must be protected.
Speaker A:Now, once communication starts opening again, let's move on to step two.
Speaker A:We have to rebuild emotional safety.
Speaker A:So communication will open the door, but safety will determine whether your spouse will walk through it or not.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:The Bible tells us in James 1:19, so then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Speaker A:So we have to be very careful of how we respond when our spouse is sharing something so that the conversation can continue.
Speaker A:So when your spouse shares something vulnerable, your first reaction, it matters way more than you think.
Speaker A:You can either react or respond.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:And you have to be very careful.
Speaker A:So you can either whether or not your spouse is correct or not, it doesn't matter.
Speaker A:You don't need to correct them right away.
Speaker A:Your first react, first response should not be, that's not true.
Speaker A:That's not what happened.
Speaker A:You're just being emotional.
Speaker A:You're overreacting.
Speaker A:That's not what it meant.
Speaker A:So there's so many ways you can respond.
Speaker A:That's wrong.
Speaker B:And that definitely cuts off the communication right there.
Speaker B:They're going to withdraw and say, I can't talk about this.
Speaker A:So instead of your spouse walking through that door into your room of safety, because your relationship, your marriage, has to have a safe place where your spouse can come into it without fear of being injured.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So instead of saying things like that, maybe you don't understand what they're saying or understand why they're saying what they're saying.
Speaker A:Maybe they did misinterpret what you said, took it completely different than what you intended.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Say things like, help me understand what you felt.
Speaker A:Tell me more about it, or I'm listening.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:And that kind of helps them, okay, I'm safe.
Speaker A:They're not going to hurt me.
Speaker A:Let me come further into the room.
Speaker A:Let me fully expand every time this happens.
Speaker A:This is a great opportunity for healing.
Speaker A:It's a great opportunity for healing where as your relationship grows and your relationship matures, the Lord will use these opportunities for bring deep healing to your spouse.
Speaker A:Deep healing that were there may have been a hurt from childhood, some trauma from childhood, and what you did or said may not have anything to do with that, but by you providing a safe place for them, it just brings healing to their heart.
Speaker A:Theresa.
Speaker B:It really does.
Speaker B:It really does.
Speaker B:I can think back of feeling misunderstood most of my childhood.
Speaker B:And if there was just one teacher or one person that was kind to me, it made a world of difference to feel like, okay, I can Trust them and listen to what they have to say.
Speaker B:Because I don't feel like I'm being discounted or just like some people put it, I'm invisible.
Speaker B:Like, I feel like I don't mean anything to people.
Speaker B:But you know, when you have someone who can show you and say, I'm here, I'm listening.
Speaker B:I care if something is bothering you, if you're concerned about something, if you don't feel safe and some area, I'm here, and let's rebuild this safety and let's work on this together.
Speaker A:People will open up where they feel understood.
Speaker A:Now, here's the second part of step two.
Speaker A:Validate.
Speaker A:Before you explain, this is one of the most powerful shifts you can make.
Speaker A:Instead of jumping to defend yourself, pause and acknowledge what they're saying.
Speaker A:This is so helpful to your spouse.
Speaker A:Say things like, oh, I can see how that hurts you.
Speaker A:That makes sense.
Speaker A:I understand why you feel that way.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So validation doesn't necessarily mean agreement, but it does mean that you care.
Speaker A:And when someone feels like they're being understood or you're.
Speaker A:That feels like their spouse is attempting to understand them, they begin to open up even more.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And like you said, this is so powerful when it concerns you.
Speaker B:Your spouse is bringing something to you, about you.
Speaker B:You have to be mature enough not to react like you said and say, I don't think that's right.
Speaker B:I don't agree.
Speaker B:I didn't say anything wrong.
Speaker B:You have to be mature enough to validate them and recognize they wouldn't be bringing this up if it wasn't an issue, if they didn't need to be talked about.
Speaker B:You can't just say, we don't need to talk about this.
Speaker B:Everything's okay.
Speaker B:Might feel okay to you, but it's not okay to your spouse if they're coming to you about it.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Be supportive, spouse.
Speaker B:Be supportive of what your spouse trying to communicate to you.
Speaker A:And here's the third part of step two.
Speaker A:Consistency.
Speaker A: The Bible tells us in Luke: Speaker A:So trust between you and your spouse is not built in one big moment.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:It's built in repeated moments.
Speaker A:Every time your spouse shares something with you, that's an opportunity for you to either build safety or break safety.
Speaker A:Consistency builds safety.
Speaker B:I like that.
Speaker B:Trust is definitely built over time.
Speaker B:It was like that when you were friends, when you were dating, you didn't learn to open up to each other just in one big event.
Speaker B:Oh, yay, we went to a concert.
Speaker B:Now we can talk about everything.
Speaker B:No, it was all the little moments where you opened up and shared personal things with each other.
Speaker B:In the same way in your marriage, you want to continue doing that and responding correctly to each other so that you are continuing to build that trust.
Speaker B:You're faithful to keep building the relationship.
Speaker B:Keep building.
Speaker B:Be in your spouse's.
Speaker B:Sorry, you continue to be in your spouse's corner.
Speaker B:As they would say in boxing.
Speaker B:You're in the corner with them.
Speaker B:You're not going to say, I'm on the opposite corner and we're just going to fight it out.
Speaker B:You don't want that to be the way you're relating to each other when you need to talk about things.
Speaker A:And if you say, well, I need to learn more about this, I need to learn how to do this, we have a free resource for you.
Speaker A:It's a free seven day devotional call from Lonely to best friends.
Speaker A:Again, it's a seven day step by step devotional with practical tips how to rebuild that safety into your relationship.
Speaker A:There should be a link in the description in this podcast or you can go to our website inspiringmarriages.net and there's a keep in touch section where you can sign up for our latest offering for free.
Speaker A:But also there should be the show notes for this episode.
Speaker A:You can go find it and there should be a link in the show notes for the PDF.
Speaker A:So now once communication is open and safety is rebuilt, now we need to move to step three, which is rebuild communication daily.
Speaker A:So connection does not come back automatically.
Speaker A:It has to be rebuilt intentionally.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:Yes, the Bible tells us in Hebrews 3:13, but exhort one another daily lest any of you be hardened.
Speaker A:So let's apply this to marriage daily.
Speaker A:Connection helps hearts from drifting apart.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:It's so easy for the drift to happen as we've talked about before, because we all have many responsibilities, we all have many things that we're doing devoting our time and energy to.
Speaker B:But if you're intentional to connect, if you're intentional to give your spouse some time in your day, if you're intentional to be loving to one another, it's so important because exhorting each other is building each other up.
Speaker B:Because you don't want your hearts to become hardened.
Speaker B:You want your hearts to be tender towards one another, loving and forgiving, open to each other, able to listen to one another.
Speaker B:That's so important in marriage.
Speaker B:This is the best relationship you can have in your whole life besides your relationship with the Lord.
Speaker B:So, yes, we want our hearts to be soft and tender towards one another.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:So daily connection keeps our hearts soft.
Speaker A:So let's do something simple.
Speaker A:Ten minutes a day, no phones, no distractions.
Speaker A:Look at each other in the eyes, grab your hands, just look at each other's eyes and say, how are you really doing?
Speaker A:And just give the other person opportunity to talk.
Speaker A:It's that simple.
Speaker A:You don't need perfect conversations.
Speaker A:You don't need to be able to say everything perfectly.
Speaker A:You just need honest, consistent ones.
Speaker A:And here's something fun that's.
Speaker A:Some couples have overlooked fun matters, so sure does if you don't know.
Speaker A: miniseries of all Time is the: Speaker A:But we try to watch Pride and Prejudice more often than that.
Speaker A:And we did something that was kind of silly, fun.
Speaker A:So we just.
Speaker A:One time we had the drinks on the couch, we had our drinks, we had our snacks.
Speaker A:And this is six episodes, so it takes a while to get through it.
Speaker A:So what we did was every time someone uses a phrase, Mr. Darcy, we would kiss.
Speaker A:And that's a lot of kissing because they said Mr. Darcy a lot.
Speaker A:So it's light, it's laughter.
Speaker A:It's just a fun connection point.
Speaker A:It was just something.
Speaker A:Something to do is to make a connecting point.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And it's so romantic, too.
Speaker B:It's fun and it's romantic.
Speaker A:And your fun thing may be something completely different.
Speaker A:And every time the Texas Rangers gets a hit, you kiss whatever.
Speaker B:I don't know, throw popcorn at each other.
Speaker A:Or every time a Hallmark movie opens with a city girl going to a hometown, back to a small hometown and meets her old high school flame who.
Speaker B:Runs a lumber business that's pretty much every morning you can kiss.
Speaker A:So just whatever you want to do, make it fun.
Speaker A:So fun is not optional.
Speaker A:It is essential.
Speaker B:Yes, it is.
Speaker A:What we need to really, Teresa, bring this all in is the spiritual connection.
Speaker A:The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 4:12, a 3,4 cord is not easily broken.
Speaker A:And we know that Jesus has to be that third cord.
Speaker A:That third strand in the cord.
Speaker A:I'm sorry.
Speaker A:That third strand in the cord and is.
Speaker A:It needs to weave through all of our areas in our marriage, from our finances to our relationships to parenting, everything.
Speaker A:It needs to Jesus has to be that third strand that weaves all through our marriage.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:And dependence on him is so important.
Speaker B:Individually, we can depend on him.
Speaker B:But bringing him into those moments when we are connecting, when you're having time, connecting emotionally, when you're discussing a situation, it's best to pray.
Speaker B:Especially if you have some differences you're working out.
Speaker B:You really should pray even before you try to work those out.
Speaker B:Then it can become so much easier.
Speaker B:Because he knows what you need.
Speaker B:He knows how to draw your hearts together.
Speaker B:He knows how to keep your marriage strong.
Speaker B:He's going to be dealing with each of you in your hearts and in your minds.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Showing you how to navigate this relationship, how to go to some uncharted waters.
Speaker B:If you've never had to deal with a situation before together as a married couple, he'll be there to help you and make sure.
Speaker B:Invite him into that process.
Speaker A:That's so good.
Speaker A:So let's bring all this together at once.
Speaker A:Oh, I didn't.
Speaker A:We're sorry.
Speaker A:Before that.
Speaker A:When God is at the center, your connection deepens in a way that nothing else can replace.
Speaker A:So let's bring this all together.
Speaker A:Teresa, let's try to put a bow on this.
Speaker A:Or let's run this up the flagpole and see who salutes.
Speaker A:Emotional intimacy is rebuilt.
Speaker A:When you talk safely, you respond with care, and you connect consistently.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:And we know we don't have to fix everything today.
Speaker B:That's so true.
Speaker A:We just need to take the next step.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Just take it a day at a time for sure.
Speaker A:And let me tell you this.
Speaker A:You are not as far apart as it feels.
Speaker B:That's so true.
Speaker B:Like when you think you've done something that God just probably saying, I don't want to talk to you right now.
Speaker B:I'm not going to listen to your prayers.
Speaker B:He doesn't ever do that.
Speaker B:But we feel that way.
Speaker B:Once you come to him and you say, lord, I'm sorry.
Speaker B:I repent for what I thought or did or said that was wrong.
Speaker B:Immediately you're restored to right relationship.
Speaker B:So it can be the same way in your marriage.
Speaker B:You might feel like, oh, there's a big valley between us right now.
Speaker B:But with the Lord in your midst and with him helping you, he can draw you so close and even closer than you were before the situation.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker B:It can happen quickly.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Let's pray for our listeners, Father, for every couple listening now, we ask you to help them take that next step.
Speaker A:Restore communication, rebuild safety, and renew connection and bring their hearts back together again.
Speaker A:In our wonderful Lord Jesus name.
Speaker A:Amen.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker A:So again, if this has resonated with you.
Speaker A:We have a free resource for you to help you take that next step called From Lonely to Best Friends Again.
Speaker A:It's a seven day guided to reset to help you reconnect emotionally and spiritually started spiritually start with that one intentional moment and let God rebuild from there.
Speaker A:There should be a link in Description our show notes on our website inspiringmarriages.net you can find a link for that there.
Speaker A:And remember dined husband and wife to.
Speaker B:Be friends for life.
