Back to Best Friends: How We Created a Safe Space to Talk

Hi, I’m Jeff Fields.

And I’m Teresa Fields.

And this is inspiring.

Marriages, where we believe that God has designed husband and wife to be friends for life.

Do you feel like you can tell your spouse what you’re really thinking?

Not just what time are we leaving?

Or I’m.

But I’m concerned.

I’m hurt.

I’m discouraged.

I need something.

I don’t agree.

I made a mistake.

Can you say those things without wondering what will happen next?

The deepest conversations in marriage require more than time.

They require trust.

So last week we were talking about talking again.

We’re right in the middle of our Back to Best Friend series, and this week we want to talk about the importance of.

Of emotional safety.

You can make time for more conversation, but if honesty doesn’t feel safe, the deepest things may not be said.

Teresa, what does emotional safety mean to you?

Well, in our relationship, it.

It really means that I can come to you with a concern or maybe a hurtful thing that happened or just something that we need to discuss.

And I don’t have to be concerned that you’re going to misunderstand or take it the wrong way or maybe.

Maybe even make fun of me having a concern or having feelings about something.

So I’m.

I love the fact that.

That I can feel safe coming to you when I have a concern or a need or need to address something that.

That we need to talk about, like working something out.

Right.

So for me, I’ve learned over 35 years that Teresa does not have a sharp tongue and she will not use things that I share with her as ammunition against me later.

So we have to.

We had to learn over 35 years how to create a emotionally safe place in our marriage.

Let’s talk about what emotionally safety is and.

And what it isn’t.

So emotionally safety doesn’t mean never disagreeing.

So if you never disagree in your marriage, it doesn’t mean that you have a good marriage.

It may mean you’re just not talking about things.

Emotional safety does not mean never confronting something unhealthy.

That’s right.

Emotional safety does not mean you avoid all the difficult subjects.

Emotional safety does not mean that one spouse can say anything they want, any way they want, anytime they want.

It does not mean that.

No.

And emotional safety does not mean keeping peace at all costs.

It really means that we can bring our thoughts, concerns, feelings, failures, questions and differences into the marriage and trust that they will be handled with love and respect.

So emotional safety isn’t freedom from hard conversations.

It’s knowing hard conversations Won’t cost you the relationship.

Ephesians chapter 4, verse 15 in New King James Version says, but speaking the truth in love may grow up in all things into him who is the head Christ.

So there has to be a balance between truth and love.

Honesty without love is.

Can wound, it can cause hurt, it can cause damage, it can hurt your spouse.

And love without honesty can hide what needs healing.

Your marriage is a perfect place for healing to occur, for God’s healing to happen.

Teresa let’s talk about how couples stop opening up.

It usually happens gradually.

A spouse may share something and get defensiveness, correction, minimizing sarcasm, an immediate solution.

Anger or their vulnerability is used against them later.

Eventually that spouse will say, maybe I just won’t bring up anything anymore.

Sometimes silence isn’t the absence of something to say, it’s uncertainty about what will happen if I say it.

So I believe in our over 35 years of our marriage, I think we have at times responded too quickly.

Oh, yes, I know it’s easy.

I just want to solve the problem.

I just want to make it go away.

So I just wanted.

I just want to solve the issue.

And sometimes that may lead to overreaction, which the best course would be to, to.

To wait, right?

Just listen.

A lot of times a wife just talks about a problem so her husband can listen and be a sounding board.

She’s not really trying to have a problem resolved right at that moment.

But, you know, it.

Listening is, Is so powerful.

I know.

I’m sure I’ve responded too quickly.

If you brought up something and it might have sounded like, you know, you just get to the point and say something you see needs dealing with.

But to me, it’s like, oh, you know, it sounded kind of like you’re saying it’s me that’s the problem.

You know, that’s something that I’ve had to work on because usually men will just want to be, you know, to the point, and women want to, you know, explain everything for a while and talk about feelings.

And, you know, we just communicate differently.

So we had to learn not to misunderstand each other because we express something to each other in a different way.

Right?

Everybody’s different.

And some people, they.

They internalize things and they’ll think about it for a while.

Other people express it, words and is when they’re expressing their words, that’s how they’re processing what their feelings and Feelings are coming out in their words.

It’s not that either one is.

Is bad or either one worse or better than the others.

Different people think and work differently.

They really do.

The kind of responses that will make each of us to want to continue talking is a response of understanding, a response of tell me more.

An invitation to keep honesty open.

That’s right.

That’s right.

Because defensiveness is going to shut down what your spouse is trying to say if you start defending yourself like, well, I don’t think that’s right.

And I didn’t do that.

I didn’t mean it that way.

And, you know, you start trying to put up all these walls and you know that your spouse is going to just stop trying to bring that to you in that moment.

But also possibly in the future.

What we want to avoid is the lack of communication just because of the response you think that you’re going to get from your spouse.

Before asking why your spouse isn’t opening up, ask yourself what happens when they do?

What has your reaction been in the past that may be causing them to not want to be honest?

What do I do when my spouse tells me something hard?

James 1:19 tells us.

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to raft.

Here’s a simple pattern.

Pause, listen, understand, and then respond.

So let’s just break that down just a little bit.

Slow down.

So when we pause, we don’t want to react immediately to what your spouse is trying to tell you because your first reaction may not be the correct reaction.

Haven’t we always taught our children not to jump to conclusions?

You know, a lot of times, if we just hear the first thing our spouse says, they haven’t even finished talking, and we try to react or say something, then we’ve jumped to a conclusion about what they’re really trying to say before they’ve gotten to tell everything that they wanted to tell us.

Then we need to listen.

I mean, really listen.

So don’t be thinking about your response.

Don’t be thinking about your rebuttal.

Don’t be thinking about your excuses.

Listen to your spouse.

Try to understand from your, your spouse’s perspective what, why they’re saying what they’re saying and why they’re saying what they’re saying.

So really listen.

Wait for them to finish.

Really listen to your spouse.

You’re listening to understand your spouse.

And if you don’t understand why your spouse is saying what, what they’re saying, if you don’t understand why they’re saying they’re hurt or why they say they’re concerned, ask them.

Follow up question.

Ask your spouse, can you help me understand what you mean?

And if you’re, if you’re, you’re.

If your husband asks your wife, how did that make you feel?

If your wife asks your husband, what.

Do you think about that?

What did it make you think?

And you also say, is there more, Is there anything else?

We need to talk.

Is there more about the subject?

So, and then only after you paused, you listened, and you made the attempt to understand, do you respond.

But only after you understand what they’re trying to communicate.

Your first responsibility isn’t to answer sometimes it’s just simply to understand.

Teresa and I were different.

We don’t process things the same way.

We don’t process difficult conversations the same way.

I tend to internalize first.

I tend to think about it first before I say anything.

So I’ll hold it in and internalize it.

I might get quiet, I might withdraw, might seem distant, but I’m processing something.

Teresa, on the other hand, how do you process difficult conversations?

Right.

I think it used to be a lot easier for me to get hurt over a difficult conversation or feel like maybe I was inadequate in an area and that’s why we’re having a problem or that’s why we’re not communicating.

Well, you know, it’s.

It’s.

You bring a lot of your insecurities into your marriage.

You bring a lot of things from past experiences and relationships into your marriage.

So we had to work through a lot of that, you know, what, what.

How Jeff saw what a wife should be like or what, how he should treat a wife and what I thought of who I was and how Jeff should treat me and how I should treat him.

We brought all of that into.

Into our marriage, not ever having been married before, but for me, I had to learn not to take offense or feel hurt or feel like I was being attacked or anything when Jeff would bring up a problem because I, oh, well, okay, now it’s.

Something’s wrong with me again, you know, because that’s used to be how I saw myself.

And I had to learn that Theresa bringing up a concern or something.

It wasn’t.

She wasn’t telling me that I failed her as a husband because that was the tendency was when we first got married.

Oh, I failed.

I’m terrible.

I failed her as a husband.

I failed her.

And so I had to learn that that’s not what she was telling me.

Her telling me about a concern or difficulties.

It was not her telling me how bad of a husband I was.

It was just to help us get through the situation and get through the conversation.

Yes, yes, exactly.

It is extremely important to learn how to handle our spouse’s hearts with care.

Your spouse may share with you a concern, an insecurity, a disappointment, even a failure or something that they’re struggling with or something that you’ve done or said that hurt them.

That moment is important.

Do not mock it, do not dismiss it, and don’t tell anybody else.

Do not tell your sisters, do not tell your girlfriends, do not tell your mom, do not tell your prayer group.

Do not tell social media.

Do not tell your buddies.

It’s private.

It’s sacred.

It’s not for anyone else to hear.

No is private.

Right, Teresa?

That’s right.

That’s right.

That’s really erodes trust when things that you share in confidence with each other end up going outside of your marriage.

These are very delicate issues that we need to consider as a weighty thing that our spouse is entrusting something to us that they don’t talk about to anyone else.

So this does not belong out in your other circles of relationships.

It belongs in your marriage.

Right.

And we do not use as ammunition in our next discussion.

Don’t bring up, hey, well, last time you told me you, you did this and you know, and just we don’t use that.

Why does shared invulnerability should never become a weapon in conflict?

Okay, ladies, let me, let me share the.

Share this with you.

If your husband has shared something vulnerable, he has shared something from inside him and shared that with you.

For you to share that with someone else is an act of betrayal.

It’d be the same thing if he.

Forgive the term, if he shared inappropriate photos of you with his.

With his.

With his friends.

That’s how a terrible, I guess, betrayal that would be.

You would be horrified if he did that.

He would be horrified if you shared something that he has shared with you in confidence.

Ephesians 4:29 tells us that no corrupt word put proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers.

Teresa, what does it mean to handle someone’s heart with care?

Well, just like what you’ve been saying, if you talk about something that hurt you or something that was a, like you said, a vulnerable area in your life, you know, I can’t just dismiss that or take that lightly.

I need to recognize that as an area I can pray for you about.

When you tell me I Can, I can pray for you right then, you know, for God to give you wisdom, for God to heal you, for God to, you know, restore whatever was lost in that area.

I need to understand that you need a supportive wife in that moment.

You don’t need someone that will just say, well, that’s your problem, you know, and take it lightly.

I need to understand, I’m here to, to go through this with you, whatever it is, to support you and be encouraging to you.

That’s so good.

When we protect confidentiality, that really helps build trust between the husband and wife.

So trust isn’t, you know, when you get.

Minister says, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You know, there’s not like a, a solid foundation of trust there yet.

It has not yet.

It has to be built and it has to be earned so that when you, when you protect your spouse, that really builds trust within your marriage.

So grace is so important.

When our spouse tells us something that is, that is difficult, you know, we need to hear our, our spouse with love.

And when you hear, receive everything in grace.

Yes.

And I think about kindness, you know, that’s something the Lord impressed upon me years ago, just that word, kindness.

And it had to do with how I was using my words at the time with my children.

But it also impacts our marriage.

I don’t want to say things that are unkind to you as my husband.

I want my words to be full of grace.

I want them to be gracious and kind.

I want to assume the best, you know, believe the best about you, whatever the situation is.

If you want your spouse to open their heart, become someone who handles their heart with care.

What happens when we get it wrong?

So when you talk about emotional safety, that may sound like another impossible marriage standard, like, how can I, how can I do yet that you know something else.

So over the course of your marriage, you’re both going to interrupt, you’re both going to misunderstand, you’re both going to get defensive sometimes.

You both going to say something poorly.

I know I have said things poorly.

I know I have.

I know I reacted when I should have listened.

So that’s going to happen.

But the goal isn’t perfection.

The goal is learning how to repair.

So emotional safety isn’t built by perfection.

You don’t have to be perfect to create emotional safety in your marriage.

It’s built by trust, humility, and repair.

Colossians 3:13 tells us, Bearing with one another, forgiving one another.

If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave You.

So you also must do.

So here’s some things, some phrases to help us repair our marriage.

Prayer, that emotional safety.

I didn’t handle that very well.

Please forgive me.

I got defensive.

I interrupted you.

Now I understand why that hurt you.

I’m sorry.

Or can we start that conversation again?

Right.

Those are so helpful.

So, Teresa, have we gotten better at repairing our emotional safety, do you think, over 35 years?

I. I believe so.

I know that we’ve been able to come to each other and say, like.

Like you mentioned, I didn’t handle that well.

I reacted the wrong way, or I interrupted you, or I’m sorry that I. I got upset because you were upset and I wasn’t able to give you a good response or something helpful to, you know, get us through this situation.

So everybody encounters unexpected things.

You know, we’re not at our best when something happens with your family or in your marriage or on your jobs, and it’s unexpected, and you just want to come up, come home, and kind of let it all out to somebody.

And we’re not at our best.

So we have to give each other a lot of grace for making mistakes, saying some things we shouldn’t have said.

And like you said, ask each other for forgiveness.

And.

Yes.

And we’ve.

We’ve learned to do that.

We have.

So everybody’s different.

So which is harder for you?

Admitting you were wrong or receiving an apology gracefully?

Everybody’s different.

So.

But we both.

Everybody needs to admit when they’re wrong, and everybody needs to receive an apology gracefully.

When we learn to.

To make sincere apologies, that really makes future honesty safer.

Because we’re learning.

We’re learning how to be a husband.

We’re learning how to be a wife.

We’re learning how to work through these difficult conversations.

As we work through them, it makes the future conversations easier.

It really does.

It really makes the space in our marriage safer.

It does, because you’re starting to see you’re growing in humility, Both of you are.

And when you know that before, when you had this conversation or you brought up something difficult, your spouse apologized, if they reacted the wrong way or if they interrupted you or any of those things, then it does build that trust where you can come again with another thing you need to talk about.

And really, I think the space between you gets less and less where you don’t feel like, oh, this, like crossing a football field just to feel like I can get to them and communicate something and they understand and don’t react.

You know, we want that to close that gap where you feel more and more like, oh, it’s just.

Just like reaching out and saying, I need to talk to you about something, you know, and it’s not a fearful thing when you’ve got that safe space, when you know that we didn’t handle it well before, but we’re learning and we apologize when we handle it wrong.

Right?

Sometimes the most healing sentences in marriage is, I didn’t handle that well.

Can we try it again?

Sometimes, you know, you just need a kiss and go to bed and try again tomorrow.

That’s right.

That’s right.

Here is this week’s marriage challenge.

Question number one.

Ask each other this question.

What helps you feel safest?

Talking honestly with me.

Then listen.

Listen.

You both ask it, you both answer it, and you have to listen to what the other one’s saying.

Then the second question is this.

Is there anything that I do that makes it harder to.

For you to open up to me?

And that’s a harder question.

Don’t interrupt, don’t defend, don’t explain.

Listen and thank your spouse for being honest.

You cannot demand vulnerability from your spouse, but you can create an environment where vulnerability becomes easier.

Yeah, that reminds me of, you know, women are called nesters.

They have nesting instinct.

This is something we can really work on, ladies.

You know, if your husband comes home and maybe a little cross or he has to express something that happened during the day and it just sounds like, wow, why are you telling all this to me?

Don’t forget that you need to create that atmosphere where it’s a safe place even if he comes home upset or angry or tired.

This is something women can really help with.

I think as wives, we can do that.

And of course, husbands can also do that by how they respond to us coming to them with a situation.

Very good.

You don’t have to solve everything that comes up during a conversation.

The goal this week is to understand each other.

Emotional safety is built one response at a time.

So so far in our Back to best friend series, we talked about we recognize the distance.

Week two, we started talking again.

So week three, we’re creating a safer place for honesty now.

Next week, we’re going to have some fun, because friendship isn’t only about working on a relationship.

Friends laugh, friends play, friends make memories.

Friends enjoy being together.

So week four is about having fun again.

Your marriage shouldn’t only be a safe place to work through life.

It should.

It should become one of your favorite places to share life.

If you go to our website, inspiringmarriages.net resources we have a ton of free marriage resources.

Just click on those links and you’ll get those PDFs for free.

We also have links to our two books, you’re not Losing Love, you’re Losing time and our 30 days to rebuild your Friendship Guided Marriage Resource.

Both of those are available on Amazon.

Father, we thank you for everyone who’s watching this broadcast.

And we lift them up in the name of Jesus.

We pray for wisdom in our words, grace to listen before we respond, humility when we’ve hurt each other, courage to be honest, healing when previous conversations caused hurt.

Yes.

And we pray for renewed trust and friendship.

Thank you in Jesus name.

Amen.

Amen.

And remember, God designed husband and wife to be friends for life.