We stole 15 minutes to hear each other — try it

Hi, I’m Jeff Fields.

And I’m Teresa Fields.

And we are inspiring marriages.

How many times did you talk to your spouse yesterday?

Probably a lot.

What time are you getting home?

What are we going to have for supper?

Did you pay that bill?

Who’s taking care of that?

What time do we need to leave?

We can talk to our spouse all day long and still end the day without really knowing what is going on inside of them.

Right?

You can communicate all day long without really connecting.

So, Teresa, let’s talk about.

When does talking as husband and wife become so much about managing life instead of sharing life?

I think we get caught up in the schedules and the daily routines and making sure everyone is in the right place at the right time, especially if you have children, especially if you’re working at jobs and have to come home and handle all kinds of other responsibilities.

We just kind of forget to talk about other things.

So good things can push out great things in our lives.

We get busy, like you said, busy with our careers, busy with school, busy with kids, busy with ministry, busy with church, music lessons, sport practices.

Lots of stuff can fill up our calendar.

And we get to the point where we’re just doing a great job of managing our schedules, but we’re really not sharing life.

So friendship requires more than exchanging the information necessary to get through the day or through the week.

It takes much more information to make connection.

So here’s an important distinction for this entire conversation.

Sometimes you don’t need more time talking about your marriage.

You need to spend more time talking to the person you’ve married.

So, Teresa, let’s talk about when conversations becomes coordination.

Ephesians, chapter 5, verse 15 and 16 tells us, See then, that you walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time because the days are evil.

The other translation says, walk carefully, making the most of every moment.

So work, kids, finances, church ministry, household responsibilities, appointments and schedules all require communication.

And none of these conversations or communicating about all these things are bad.

They’re necessary.

So logistics aren’t the enemy of friendship, but logistics cannot sustain friendship.

The problem is, is when logistics becomes all that we talk about, we can know what our spouse is doing, what they’re doing tomorrow, and what needs to be picked up at the store and know very little about what’s happening inside of them.

Your marriage needs more than conversations about what needs to be done so a.

Husband and wife can become excellent partners at running a household, while their friendship receives very little time and very little attention.

Let’s Talk about the redeem time principle.

So we know that how we spend our time eventually will produce a pattern in our marriage, and those patterns together will determine the direction of our marriage.

If you want to change the direction of our marriage, we have to change how we spend our time.

Don’t become so good of managing your life together that.

That you forget to share life together.

We’ve been married for 35 years.

And Teresa, let’s talk about the seasons where our conversations were mostly about getting things done.

I can remember those days.

So we have three children.

Teresa homeschooled all three, so she had three different grade levels.

We are involved in our church and serving in our church.

And the kids have music lessons.

They may have had dance lessons.

So there’s a lot of things going on.

Things were going on every day.

So it took a lot of coordination to get those things done.

And we had to work together as a team.

And we got those.

And we got those things done.

It took a lot of coordination.

So therefore a lot of our conversations was about logistics.

Can you remember a time when we realized that we still needed time just to be Jeff and Teresa?

I think so.

It was like when you’d come home from work and the busyness of life was still going on.

We really started feeling like we were not close like we used to be.

Like we weren’t talking about what we were thinking about and feeling and sharing those things together.

We were just managing responsibilities and handling everything for the kids.

The danger is when.

When a couple becomes so good at managing life, they can stop enjoying life together.

And what happens is there’s a drift that occurs in the marriage, a slow drift where you don’t even notice it’s happening.

It’s not some cataclysmic event that happens.

It is something that slowly happens over time where you’re just not the best friends anymore like you were when you got married.

And it’s how we spend our time, how we intentionally spend our time to redeem that time, to make the most of every moment.

It brings our marriage closer together because as a principle in science, everything is a natural drifts to disorder.

And so your marriage won’t naturally.

You won’t naturally drift closer to your spouse unless we take intentional steps to make the most of every moment.

Ephesians, chapter 5, verse 15 and 16.

Paul tells us to walk carefully, make the most of every moment.

King James says, redeeming the time.

That word time is not chronological.

It’s not hours, minutes and seconds.

It’s kairos, which is a Moment.

It’s a redeemed moment.

It’s a connection point.

You can spend two hours on in a couch in front of a big screen looking at your little phones, and you can spend two hours spending time.

Or you could take those two hours making a connection between you and your spouse.

You redeemed that time.

You made a moment out of that time.

Oh, so true.

That’s completely different outcome, isn’t it, Jeff?

We were friends for two and a half years before we even had our first date.

So it’s important for friendship to be the foundation of every marriage.

We talked to each other because we enjoyed talking, not because there was a household to manage.

So friendship naturally contains curiosity, Right?

When you’re friends with someone, it’s a natural thing to ask questions and be inquisitive and be curious about that other person.

Remember when you were dating how often you talked and you talked and how long you talked?

You talked a lot because there was exciting things to know about this person and you were excited to be with them.

And when you weren’t together, you thought about the next time you’re going to be together and what you were going to talk about.

Right, Theresa?

That is so true.

Yes.

I remember some long, long conversations that we had.

Like he said, before we were even dating.

But when we were dating also, we wanted to spend a lot of time talking and getting to know each other more deeply.

And.

And that’s very important in a friendship, in a dating relationship, in a courtship.

All of those kinds of relationships need that friendship connection, right?

When we’re dating someone, we want to know all about them.

We want to know what they enjoy, what they like to eat, what makes them laugh, what they believe, what they dream about.

And friendship is telling your spouse, I still want to know you.

The danger is for some long married couples is they begin assuming they know everything there is to know about each other.

I know what Teresa thinks, or I.

Already know what Jeff is going to say.

But your spouse is still growing, they’re still learning, they’re still dreaming.

They’re changing and they’re experiencing new things.

The next five years, your marriage is going to be different from the last five years.

You’ve had new experiences, maybe you lost somebody.

Your marriage is going to be different in five years.

Your spouse is going to be different in five years.

Take the advantage of this time.

Know your spouse to be curious about your spouse.

So when we got married, we were the people we were in that year and that time.

But now we’re not the same people.

35 Years later, you know that those people we were didn’t stay frozen in time and just stay the same through all these decades of marriage.

You’ve had experiences, you’ve had successes, you’ve had some disappointments, appointments, you had some losses, you’ve had spiritual growth.

And different seasons of your life will continue to shape both of you.

The person you married years ago is still becoming someone today after three decades of marriage, there are still things for Teresa and I to discover about each other.

It makes it fun.

It really does.

I think that adds a little fun factor in.

You don’t know everything about your spouse.

Never stop being curious about the person who you have married.

Teresa, what did we talk about when we were friends before we dated?

We talk about our ministry activities.

We were each doing different things, talk about our church services, talk about what was happening at our jobs, and, you know, things that were affecting us from day to day.

And we have a.

A common love of music.

We both love music, both love worship music.

We’re both guitar players, we’re both worship leaders.

So we had data common, so we had a lot to talk about.

Right.

And why did we enjoy talking to each other?

Because there was no pressure.

There was no pressure to perform.

In a typical dating scenario, you’re.

You’re trying to impress each other, you’re trying to put up, even subconsciously, you may be putting up the best version of yourself.

And so there’s a tendency not to share everything.

But when you’re friends, you.

You can say when you’re having a bad day, you can say when things are tough, you can say when you’re disappointed.

You can share your dreams, you can share your aspirations, and you can use that time to really deepen your friendship.

So, Jeff, what have we learned about each other in recent years that we didn’t know earlier in our marriage?

I think we’ve had time to even talk more about our childhood, different things about our dreams and our aspirations.

And, you know, five years ago, we didn’t have a podcast or we didn’t have a unit, a desire to do a podcast that wasn’t even something on our radar to do.

We didn’t know we’d be doing marriage ministry.

Marriage ministry.

We.

We thought we’d still doing worship ministry for the first 33 years of our marriage is mostly about worship music and about worship, teaching about worship.

But now it has drifted into marriage ministry, where we share the things that we’ve learned to help other couples.

So there still is an opportunity for us to resist the, I guess the assumption that we already know what the other one person thinks.

We should never allow ourselves to get into that situation.

Now, there’s some things we know about each other.

I know that Teresa is not a big fan of onions.

That’s true.

I know Jeff does not like black olives.

I know that Teresa does not like to get up early.

That’s true.

I know Jeff likes to get up early and go to bed early.

I know Theresa likes unsweet tea.

I know Jeff really enjoys sports.

Baseball, football.

So there’s a lot of things that we know about each other, but we still have to make the effort to be curious about each other.

So the things we.

That we attempt to do is to connect every day, to find out what’s going on inside of each other and to ask questions.

So what do friends actually talk about?

You don’t have to have this great big, deep conversation every night.

It’s just what’s happening in your world.

What have you been thinking about?

What has been encouraging you?

What.

What has been difficult?

A good conversation does not require perfect questions.

It requires genuine interest.

Yeah, I really like that.

Yes.

Stay interested in your spouse.

That’s so good.

Use this phrase.

Remember when there are you have inside jokes that no one else knows about that you laugh about today.

Share memories and laugh about things that you’ve experienced together.

So when you remember your story, you remember events that you went through together.

It reminds you that you’re not just managing today’s responsibilities that’s so important.

You’ve actually built a life together.

So you have a lot of memories,.

A lot of good memories, and never stop dreaming together.

Ask each other about your future, your dream.

And your dreams don’t have to be enormous.

Maybe you want to take an online class.

Maybe you want to learn how to paint.

Maybe you want to take dance lessons.

You know, just whatever you want to do.

Never stop dreaming.

Ask each other where would you like to go?

Where is your dream vacation?

Ask each other those questions.

Ask each other, what would you like to experience?

Ask each other, what is God putting on your heart?

And what would you like this next season of our life to look like?

Oh, that’s really good.

That could be a great discussion.

And resist the temptation of.

Of asking each other about your schedules or what you’re doing.

Ask them what’s going on with them.

Give your spouse room to talk about what’s going on on the inside.

Sometimes friendship means creating a place where your spouse can simply tell you what’s.

Happening ins them and talk about fun things.

Remember you were dating.

You used to do fun things.

Don’t stop doing fun things.

Find out what your spouse likes to do.

Explore fun things again.

Have fun together.

Do things that you really enjoy together.

Maybe it’s running.

Maybe it’s hiking.

Maybe it’s climbing.

Maybe it’s bicycling.

Maybe it’s golf.

Maybe it’s mini golf.

Maybe it’s driving together.

Maybe it’s taking a walk.

Maybe it’s watching a movie together.

Maybe it’s streaming a series together.

Do something that’s fun for the both of you.

Maybe it’s putting posters together.

Maybe it’s going to museum.

Maybe it’s going to the zoo.

Find something that you two enjoy doing together.

Remember, friends don’t just solve problems together.

They have fun together.

And not every conversation has to be serious.

So, Teresa, let me ask you this.

If we’re going to do something fun in the next three weeks, what would you like to do?

It’s starting to get a little cooler, so opens up the possibilities.

Why does something you would like to do fun?

Oh, wow.

I know.

We enjoy going to new places.

Now, I know this would require some planning, but I really love the Texas Hill Country.

I would love to visit there again.

That would be really nice.

Especially in the fall.

Oh, that’s.

That’s an outstanding idea.

Let’s.

Let’s plan a visit to the Texas Hill Country.

Yay.

Haven’t been in a long time.

Be great.

James 1:19 tells us.

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

So hearing and listening is not the same thing.

We can hear the words while we’re looking at our phone, thinking about something else or preparing what we’re about to say next.

So listening isn’t just waiting for your turn to talk.

Phones and screens can unintentionally communicate something else.

Has my attention.

They certainly do.

Your spouse deserves the gift of undivided attention.

Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need an answer.

They just need your attention.

Now, as guys, we just want to fix things.

We want to offer a solution to our spouse before they even finish telling us what happened.

But sometimes friendship is just being present and engaged.

That’s so helpful for wives just to be able to talk out something they’re dealing with.

I know we can seem really emotional, but if a husband is just ready to listen, that means a lot.

It really does.

And also, defensiveness can also keep us from hearing, especially when our spouse is talking about something that involves us.

Listening doesn’t require you to Be agree to everything your spouse is saying.

It just means active listening, listening to what they’re saying.

We have to practice that.

That’s really important.

So your first goal should be, I want to understand what you are trying to tell me.

When we listen well, we communicate something deeper than.

I heard your words.

So one of the greatest gifts you can give to your spouse is for them to feel like what matters to me, matters to you.

So, Theresa, what do I do that makes you feel.

Feel genuinely heard?

I think when we make eye contact and you are really face to face looking at me, there’s nothing else that has your attention.

And I can tell that you are taking in what I’m saying.

Because it’s like we say, this world gets so fast and busy.

We don’t always take the time to do that.

You kind of talk while passing each other.

When you give me your uninvited attention like that, it means so much.

I can really tell that you’re listening to what I’m saying.

And we had to learn that the other person doesn’t always want a solution.

So the problem is when we get defensive while we’re listening that we stop hearing what our spouse is saying.

We start thinking about our excuses, we start thinking about justifications.

And.

And there’s so unintentionally a wall goes up between.

Between us and our spouse so that their communication really stops.

That’s so true.

And you know, people’s feelings can get hurt.

You can start talking at each other, maybe even arguing.

And just good listening could really prevent a lot of that.

Right.

So how do you listen when you’re disagreeing with what your spouse is saying?

One technique you use is to repeat what your spouse is saying.

So your spouse has told you something you don’t agree with.

What you can say is, what I’m hearing is this.

And you kind of repeat it.

And maybe when your spouse hears it back, like, well, no, that’s not exactly what I said or what I meant.

I meant to really say this.

So that helps keep the communication lines going.

And you’re.

And you may have to go back forth just a little bit and discuss this.

And it doesn’t.

It’s not a bad thing to disagree.

Just keep working at it.

When you’re talking to someone and they’re telling you something, one of the things you can say is, what happened next?

Or how did that affect you?

Or you can say, do you want my thoughts or do you just want me to listen?

Is there something I can do that to help?

And then That’s a great opportunity to make a connection and to really connect as husband and wife.

It is going to require some maturity on the part of each of you and.

And really just refraining from bringing in your own thoughts and just listening.

That’s.

That’s really going to take practice if you’re not used to doing that.

So we want to talk about how important is for husband and wife to connect with each other on a daily basis.

Now, this can have.

This can be in the morning.

This can maybe meet for lunch.

It could be a coffee break.

It could be at night.

Every couple is different, but it’s so important for you and your spouse to connect on a personal level.

Now, we set aside 30 minutes because there’s a lot to share, and sometimes you don’t get 30 minutes.

Every night you talk about scriptures you read.

You can talk about things that you heard during your prayer time, something you read in a devotional.

30 Minutes can go by really fast sometimes when you’re sharing deep, personal things.

But 30 minutes, not a magical number.

It’s just a number.

Right?

The daily interaction helped us stay connected.

The important thing is intentionally creating a space for conversation.

Right, Teresa?

That.

That really is important, because in this day and time, with distractions and everything else, it’s a lot easier not to make time for conversation.

So it’s something you talk about, agree on together.

Like you said, which time of day will work best for us to really sit down and have a real conversation.

And the important thing is you don’t find time for your friendship.

You got to make the time.

And it’s important not just to give your spouse your leftover energy and your leftover time.

What you have left for today.

Exactly.

Well, I’m not too tired, so I guess I’ll talk to you.

No, you got to make time for your spouse.

Now, not every conversation is deep.

Sometimes it’s funny, Sometimes it’s silly.

Sometimes we just laugh.

Yes, that’s true.

Sometimes we talk about what we read or what we saw.

Sometimes, you know, one of us needs us to process something.

Sometimes you just dream about your future.

And sometimes we’re just enjoying each other’s company.

So friendship grows wherever attention is consistently invested.

That’s a really important word.

Consistently.

So for the couple thinking we can’t possibly feel 30 minutes.

Don’t let 30 minutes become the reason that you do nothing.

Don’t let that stop you from at least spending some quality time together.

Yeah.

Start with 10 minutes.

Start with 15.

Go for a walk, sit outside, have coffee.

Turn off the television, put down the phones.

10 Intentional minutes can mean more than an hour together while distracted.

So some of our favorite conversations know we’re talking about scripture.

God is a regular part the conversations of our marriage.

It’s a natural part of our conversation.

The scriptures are a natural part of a conversation.

Music is a natural part of our conversation.

We have conversations about our favorite movies, favorite TV series quotes.

We quote movie lines to each other all the time and try to see if the other one can guess where that’s from.

And so we just have fun doing that.

We do.

So for advice for the couple that says we can’t possibly find 30 minutes, we have something for you if you go to our website, inspiringmarriages.net resources there is a redeem the Time marriage audit.

It’s not a report card.

You just go through it and you find out where you’re spending your time.

I guarantee you, once you find out where you’re spending your time, you’re going to find time for your friendship.

It makes you look at your priorities, doesn’t it?

The thing is to start with one conversation.

Now, when you realize that you really don’t talk anymore.

I mean, like really talk anymore, it doesn’t mean that your marriage is a failure.

You’re doing a great job.

You’re managing your schedule, you’re doing great job together as parents.

You’re.

You’re conquering life.

That is great.

You’re working together.

You love each other.

You.

You just need to work on this, on your friendship.

So your marriage is not a failure.

We want to encourage you.

It just takes us a little bit of change, and it changes the whole direction of your marriage.

So Proverbs 20, verse 5 tells us, Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

So there are things inside the person that you married that will never come out unless someone cares enough to draw them out.

You have a unique relationship with your spouse.

Your spouse will share things with you that they would never share with anyone else.

And that’s good.

And.

But you’re the person to draw it out.

You’re the person that they should tell that to.

Your spouse has stories you haven’t heard, thoughts you haven’t discovered, and dreams you haven’t talked about.

So don’t overwhelm yourselves by thinking you need to repair years of distance all in one conversation, like right now, tonight.

And don’t assume you already know everything there is to know about the person sitting next to you.

Start with one conversation.

Start with one question, one moment of genuine interest and let that conversation lead to another.

Mm.

And it really will.

One good conversation can become the beginning of another, and then another and another.

Right here is our challenge for you this week.

Set aside 15 minutes.

No phones, no television, no household agenda.

Choose one question.

Here’s the questions to choose from.

What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that we haven’t had the time to talk about?

That’s good.

How about, what’s one of your favorite memories of us together?

And what is something that you would enjoy doing together in the next few weeks?

Then listen.

Don’t rush to the next question.

Enjoy your spouse.

You don’t rebuild friendship all at once.

Rebuild it or one conversation at a time.

So next week, we’re going to talk about emotional safety.

Talking is only one part of the equation.

For a meaningful conversation to grow, a husband and wife need to know it is safe to be honest with each other.

We want you to rediscover your conversation.

We want you to listen well.

We want you to remain curious about each other, and we want you to enjoy your friendship again.

If you like access to some free marriage resource, Visit our website, inspiringmarriages.net resources and until next time, remember, God designed husband and wife to be friends for life.