We Were Friends First — How That Built Our Marriage

Hi, I’m Jeff Fields.

And I’m Teresa Fields.

And this is inspiring.

Marriages, where we believe that God has designed husband and wife to be friends for life.

When we first became friends, we had no idea that our friendship will become the foundation of our marriage.

We were friends for two and a half years before we even had our first date with.

We did things as a group.

We go to the concerts, we would have get togethers, we would go out to restaurants.

Teresa and I would minister together.

But we did it as friends.

So we.

We didn’t have the trappings of the traditional romantic relationship where we were trying to impress each other, and it wasn’t a job interview for marriage.

So, Teresa, when we were friends, what did you enjoy most about spending time together?

Well, we.

We talked about spiritual things so easily.

We seem to be seeing eye to eye about a lot of things that we were learning in church, things we were learning about the Word.

We both loved worship music and worship ministry.

Just had some really great things in common spiritually.

But I always felt very comfortable around you to talk to you about things, just to spend time with you there.

Like you said, no pressure, no trying to impress one another.

So I never sensed anything from you, like pressure, you know, to be romantic or anything like that.

It was always just calm and peaceful around you.

You know your name means heavenly peace, right?

And what I learned about Teresa as.

From.

About her as a friend, about her tenderness, that heart that she had towards the Lord, and the desire of that she had to walk a godly life.

So friendship is not just how a marriage can begin.

It’s part of what helps a marriage remain strong.

Now we’re finishing up our Back to Best Friend series.

And number one, we talked about what happens when couples drift.

We talked about what happens when couples get so busy that they left their friendship drift.

Week number two, we talked about how to move beyond logistics, how to move beyond just talking about schedules and when things have to be done.

Week number three, we talked about how to be honest with each other without fear of being dismissed.

Week number four, we talked about the importance of bringing back fun into our marriage.

And week number five, we’re talking about how do we continue growing in friendship as husband and wife.

That’s right.

So, Teresa, which of these things do you think required the most intentional effort on our part in our marriage?

I think when we realized we were drifting, just not communicating on a personal level, that was where we had to apply the most intentionality.

And that’s how I perceive it.

You might have a different Answer.

But when we realized we’re not talking like we used to, or really taking time to hear one another’s hearts or praying about all the little things that are going on, we’re just kind of handling and managing life and raising kids.

So that drift was, I think, the most serious thing for us, and having to really apply planning and intention to start bringing our lives back into one focus, you know, where we’re really having the same mind and walking together about the personal things in our lives.

Right.

And I think we had to learn how to talk about the uncomfortable things.

Not that we were dismissive of each other.

We just naturally didn’t bring up difficult conversations, but we had to learn how to do that so we can get beyond those things.

Proverbs 17.

17.

A new king James version says, a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

The best friendships aren’t measured by how much fun people have together, but how faithfully they care for each other through every season.

That’s really good because, you know, on the outside, there are some friendships that look like they’re great, or there’s some marriages that look like, wow, they’re doing all these great, exciting, adventurous things together.

Like you said, Jeff, it’s how faithfully we are caring for each other that really makes the best friendship, the deepest friendship.

Having concern for one another and really having that agape love, you know, unconditional love towards each other that makes our friendship strong and our marriage strong.

Right now.

Our friendship has changed over 35 years.

We were like a lot of people.

We entered marriage with no children, so we got to enjoy a brief period with no children in our marriage.

One year is a very brief period.

So we had the, you know, all the.

The giddiness and the excitement of the.

Of.

Of the newlywed year.

Then we started having children, and those children started to grow up, and then we homeschool those kids.

So Teresa.

We had three children, and Teresa would.

Various ages, various grades, so she would have up to three different grades to get ready every day.

So.

So it was a lot of work, and she did that for 25 years.

So it was a lot of work, of course, that we had.

We were busy with church, and we were busy with ministry.

So there we had something on our calendar every day and sometimes multiple things a day.

So there was never a time where we just had nothing to do.

It seemed like we had things to do all the time.

No.

And we had seasons where it was hard to find a babysitter.

It really was to find someone to watch the kids.

And it was difficult.

So it was difficult to get alone time, you know, out in a restaurant.

So, you know, we would bring the kids with us and we would eat at a family friendly restaurant and sometimes we just picked it based on what kind of food they had for kids and, you know, and we would know, be there and we would eat fast because once the kids finish eating, they’re ready to go.

They’re not, they don’t want to sit there and listen to their parents talk about their feelings or, or what’s going on in their hearts.

They were, they’re ready to go.

So if we were, we were present together, but we really weren’t connecting, right, Theresa?

Yes, Yes.

I like to think of it as not marriage building time when you’re just taking care of the kids and trying to eat a meal and get it, get done and get home because the kids needed your full attention at that time when they’re little like that.

So yes, it’s, it’s kind of hard to have adult conversation in that setting.

Right.

And we had ministry commitments, things that we were doing in ministry.

We have family responsibilities.

And things changed as the, the kids grew up and then they became teenagers.

They didn’t want to go out with us anymore, so.

And they were able to watch themselves after a while.

Eventually we got to even leave them.

They got old enough, you know, high school and beyond where we could leave them alone for a weekend and they’d be just fine.

And so.

So, Teresa, what season of our marriage do you think required us to be most intentional about our friendship?

I think would have to be when, when the focus was mainly raising the children because, you know, there was a little distance between the second child and the third child.

So we had some older kids and a younger one at the same time.

So we didn’t really get finished with the little child years as quickly as some couples do.

So it was, it was still a real full time job for me being mother and homeschool mom and all the things that were going on with the kids.

So yes, we had to be more intentional.

Like finally when the kids go to bed, we can actually talk to each other and maybe talk about some situations we need to work on or some problems, pray about something that we’re concerned about.

So that, that really required more intentionality just to find some time to, to connect.

Right.

It’s something that helped us stay connected even when our schedule full.

We had to be intentional about our alone time.

We had to be intentional about making sure that we were spending enough time alone and, you know, talking and meeting each other’s needs so that we could continue to grow in all areas of our marriage.

And we just had to be intentional.

We had to be determined not to give our spouse just our leftover time.

Right.

But give our spouse our best time.

So I think what we can in this season of our marriage that we couldn’t have done 20 years ago is really focusing more on what God has called us to do as husband and wife, which has really been a real blessing.

It really has been a blessing, yes.

And not just talking about what we’re doing here, but just really seeing God bring gifts out of us that we didn’t know we had and how we can minister together more.

Because a lot of times I was in music ministry and he was involved in another kind of ministry, even though we’re in the same church or in the same settings.

So this, you know, what we’re doing now is just so much more us working together as a team.

So it’s been a real marriage builder to me.

Ecclesiastes, chapter three, verse one tells us to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.

Your marriage will move through different seasons, but your friendship can continue to grow.

And in every single one of them now, daily choices make all the difference.

We really, really emphasize that couples take time every day to connect on a personal level.

Maybe your time is in the morning, maybe it’s at, in the mid afternoon, maybe it’s at night.

But you have to take time every single day to connect on a personal level, to talk about what’s on on the inside of you to make a meaningful moment every single day.

Practice kissing each other before you depart.

Practice hugging and kissing when one of you comes home.

Practice greeting each other.

Practice saying goodbye to each other.

Take the time to be physically affectionate, listening, making.

Make time to laugh.

Give each other time to laugh and give your time, give yourselves time to apologize, to repair your marriage.

Every couple is different.

So we’re not giving, we’re not going to give you a formula.

If you follow this formula, you’re going to magically transform your marriage.

Because every marriage is different, but these principles apply to everyone.

So I think the biggest difference that made in our marriage, it was the regular time of connection.

Yes, that really has made the biggest difference because you don’t realize it until you intentionally make time to talk to each other.

That before you were doing that, you were probably Spending days and weeks really not knowing what each other was thinking and feeling or what your spouse had concerns about or questions or something they wanted to ask you.

So when you make that time to intentionally connect, it gets rid of all that sense of, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know where they are about this.

But, yes, it just kind of clears all that up.

It’s.

It’s so much better than wondering and guessing.

Right?

And I think I.

We can notice when we’ve gotten too busy for each other.

It’s like if one of us will say something and the other one misinterprets what the other one’s saying, then I know, okay, we’re not spending enough time together.

We’re not communicating enough on a one to one basis.

Right?

So we know what the solution for that is, communicating on a one on one basis.

Galatians 6.

9 Tells us in the new King James, let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Small acts of love may not feel extraordinary today, but repeated over years, they help create an extraordinary friendship.

So we get asked a lot.

What will we tell younger couples if we had the opportunity?

What advice would we give ourselves?

Wow.

For me, I think I might have had a little Cinderella complex back then.

Just thinking, someday my prince will come, you know, and all my problems will be over.

But because getting married doesn’t solve your problems, it doesn’t make everything better in life just because you’re married.

It’s.

It’s a relationship that you have to work on and put effort into.

Even if you are very much in love, there’s still going to be that daily investment that you need to make in your marriage.

So it’s.

It’s easy for people to, you know, in that romantic phase, just before the wedding and during the wedding, to think, oh, okay, once we’re married, everything’s going to be easy.

But it’s not.

Not that case.

So for me, I think just realizing, well, this is going to take some intentional communication.

I started learning that, I think, in our first year, because everybody learns things about their spouse they didn’t know in that first year, because you can’t know everything about a person if you’re not married to them.

So just encourage myself, if I was not married yet, that, okay, the romance is great, and it’s wonderful that God put.

Put the two of us together.

But you’re gonna.

It’s gonna take work for this marriage to be strong and healthy.

And don’t get disappointed if things take some time to work out.

Right?

That’s so good.

I think I would tell my younger self.

Something that I learned, like the Lord told me to do later in our marriage, is to create an atmosphere for Teresa to flourish, to create an atmosphere for her talents to excel, to give her an opportunity to do everything that God has called her to do and give her the avenues and the means of doing that.

So that’s what the advice I would give my younger self to start doing that earlier.

Now, if you’ve been married for 20, 30, 40 years and you’re not feeling as close as you used to, we have some advice for you.

Don’t wait for crisis to prioritize your friendship.

You work on your friendship today.

Small, intentional changes will affect you.

How we spend our time forms patterns, and these patterns will form a direction of your marriage.

So if you want to change the direction of your marriage, you change how you’re spending your time.

So that’s right.

Be intentional with your friendship.

Write the notes, make the coffee, make the other person a meal.

Do intentional things for each other out of friendship.

Your spouse doesn’t need, just need your provision.

They need your attention.

One of the greatest things you can give your spouse is undoubtedly divided attention.

Right, Teresa?

Mm.

That is so true.

And we’ve talked about this in other broadcasts, that that really makes your spouse feel valued.

You know, you can see it with children.

If they’re not getting your undivided attention, they look like a flower that’s starting to wilt.

You know that you just see them, their head hanging down, and they look like, nobody cares about me.

And your spouse can feel the same way if you’re not giving them your full undivided attention.

Everyone needs that to feel valued by someone, someone else.

Right?

And learn to listen without immediately defending yourself.

So when your spouse is talking to you, don’t be trying to think of your excuses and your comebacks and, well, this is why that is.

Listen to understand.

Yes.

And be quick to apologize.

Be quick to apologize.

Don’t let it go on.

Quick to apologize.

And don’t postpone joy.

If you have an opportunity for joy, take that opportunity.

Don’t put it off.

And keep praying together.

Keep making that effort.

Keep making that effort.

Keep making an effort.

Pray, pray, pray.

Pray together.

Don’t stop.

Keep praying together.

So Colossians 3:14 tells us, but above all these things, put on love, which is the bond of perfection.

The goal isn’t to build a marriage that looks impressive to other people, no, is to build a marriage where two people genuinely love being together.

So we want to talk about what kind of friendship do you hope to have in, in the years ahead?

So it’s didn’t.

That’s now instead of looking backward, let’s look forward.

So let’s talk about the next 5, 10, 20 years as the Lord gives you the years, maybe even more.

Teresa, what is something that you would love for us to experience together?

I think I would love for us to be able to travel and minister to other couples.

We’ve talked about for years, you know, traveling and doing worship in other places.

But now we can, we can teach together and with our son we can lead worship and, and really minister to other couples and other churches and groups of people.

So I think that’s something wonderful that is ahead for us.

So Jeff, what do you hope never changes about our friendship?

I think the, the genuine love of being with each other, of sharing movies, sharing movie quotes, of just being friends, laughing a lot, being silly together, just having a, just having a great time together.

We just, we just, we just love being together.

We just love laughing.

I love being silly.

I’ll say I’ll do silly things.

I’ll do, say something wrong and, or do something silly and it makes you laugh and it’s just being silly just to endear myself to her.

But I just don’t want to lose that laughter that’s a part of our friendship.

And what’s something you think we can get better at, Teresa?

I think just what we’ve talked about together, sometimes just scheduling time for us to spend together away, we’ve done some of that in like the last three, four, five years.

But just getting back to that where we can say twice a year maybe that we get to have our, our time away for an overnight or maybe two night stay somewhere and just get vision for our marriage, get back to doing a little more of that like we had done when we really had to kind of reconnect about five years ago.

And now we’ve seen the fruit of that, but we want to continue doing that.

Psalm 92, verse 14 tells us, they shall bear fruit in old age, they shall be fresh and flourishing.

So although this, this verse isn’t referring to marriage per se, it’s refers to the righteous flourishing in the Lord, but let’s apply it to marriage that even as you’ve been married 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years that you can continue to flourish.

You can Continue to bear fruit.

So we don’t want to spend the rest of our marriage only remembering the wonderful years that we had.

We want to keep building wonderful years ahead.

Now this is a challenge for this week ready for us, Teresa, this challenge.

So for the next 30 days, we want you to practice four simple rhythms every day.

Every single day, you give each other intentional attention.

Do something for each other.

Every single day.

30 Days, do something intentional.

Number two.

Every week, once a week for the next four weeks, you do something enjoyable together.

You do something enjoyable together and on a regular basis.

And you guys define what that means.

Have an honest conversation on how you’re doing and continually pray for each other and extend grace when you fall short.

Now just be realistic about your rhythms in your marriage.

But you can do this.

You can do this.

And we want to mention that we have a companion resource for you.

It’s 30 days to rebuild your Friendship.

It’s available on Amazon.

There’s a link for it in our on our website inspiringmarriages.net resources there’s a link to it.

It’s a 30 day marriage resource.

It’ll walk through all of these things.

It’ll help you.

In 30 days, you will rebuild your friendship.

So 35 years ago, we made a commitment to spend our life together.

But we, we’re still learning what it means to enjoy those lives together.

So the goal isn’t just to grow old together.

It’s to keep growing closer as you grow older.

We want to pray for you, Father.

We thank you for the gift of marriage and the gift of friendship.

Help us never take our spouses for granted.

Teach us to listen with patience, speak with kindness, forgive with humility and make room for joy.

For couples who feel distant today, give them wisdom.

For couples who feel distant today, give them wisdom, courage and hope as they take steps toward rebuilding connection.

Help us continue to grow in love friendship.

Help us continue growing in love and friendship through every season of life.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Amen.

If this encouraged you, we invite you to share this series with someone you know.

We want you to visit our resource page, inspiringmarriages.net resources visit our YouTube page where you find hundreds of videos on these subjects.

And we want you to continue to watch Inspiring Marriages on Jesus said TV and on Roku.

We invite you to go to inspiringmarriages.net resources and take advantage of all the free PDFs that are available there.

There are 100 conversation starters.

There are 20 creative, fun date ideas for Christian couples.

There are devotionals.

There is seven days to become best friends again.

There’s many, many free resources right there.

And also on that page is a link to our brand new book.

You’re Not Losing love, you’re Losing Time is available both in paperback and Kindle.

We talked about the importance of how we spend our time, how important that is to our marriage.

And we want you to know that.

God designed husband and wife to be friends for life.