5 Communication Fails Couples Make (and How to Fix 'Em!)
Today, we’re diving into some real talk about communication in marriage. We’re counting down the five biggest communication mistakes that couples make, and trust me, they all start with the letter D – not as in “delightful,” but more like “deflection” and “disruption.” It’s not just about what you say; it’s how you say it! We’ll break down each mistake and, of course, toss in some solutions because who doesn’t love a good fix? So, grab your favorite snack, settle in, and let’s get ready to tackle those communication hiccups together!
Communication is key in any relationship, and oh boy, do we dive into that today! Jeff and Teresa, our dynamic duo, break down the five biggest blunders couples make when chatting—yes, even when you think you’re doing fine! From the infamous deflection (you know, when you totally change the subject to avoid the real issue) to the sneaky demonizing (where you turn your partner’s concern into a personal attack), they cover it all. They even role-play some common scenarios, which, let me tell you, is both enlightening and entertaining. They remind us that our spouses are not the enemy; they're our best friends on this wild marriage journey. If you want to learn how to turn those communication fumbles into success stories, this episode is a must-listen!
Takeaways:
- Communication in marriage can be tricky, and it's often the way we respond that matters.
- Couples make classic mistakes like deflection, which sidesteps real issues and causes frustration.
- Active listening is key; we should validate our partner's feelings instead of interrupting them.
- Creating a safe space for conversations is essential for a thriving marriage without fear of backlash.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Sam, have you ever found yourself in a conversation with your spouse where things just seem to feel a little off, like frustrating, confusing, and even defeating?
Speaker A:Well, maybe it's not the issue at hand, but more likely it's the way you're responding to it.
Speaker A:So today we're going to count down the five biggest communication mistakes that couples make.
Speaker B:Welcome to the Inspiring Marriages podcast.
Speaker B:We are Jeff and Teresa Fields, and we are thrilled to have you with us today.
Speaker B:The incredible music that you heard in our intro was the incredible work of our very own son, Joseph Taylor Fields.
Speaker A:We've been happily married for 32amazing years.
Speaker A:Along the way, we've been blessed by by three incredible children and we have a fantastic son in law and the most precious grandbaby you could imagine.
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Speaker B:So today, Teresa, we're going to talk about the five things common mistakes that couples make in communication.
Speaker B:They all begin with the letter D.
Speaker B:And even better news than that, we have a solution for each one.
Speaker B:So we're going to do a little bit of role playing and you can really tell that it's not very well rehearsed.
Speaker B:We're just going to.
Speaker A:Try not to practice this in our marriage, right?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:So let's, let's demonstrate the first one, Teresa, and then we'll kind of talk about what it is.
Speaker A:Oh, okay.
Speaker A:Jeff, I kind of feel like you're not helping enough with the housework.
Speaker A:I really need you to do more with the kitchen and maybe with cleaning in the living room.
Speaker B:And what's up with that J.C.
Speaker B:penney's bill?
Speaker B:And what's the shoes that you ordered online from Amazon?
Speaker B:What's all that about?
Speaker B:That is deflection.
Speaker B:That's when there's some kind of conflict.
Speaker B:But there's your one or both of you don't want to deal with it.
Speaker B:So you bring up another problem.
Speaker B:Try to deflect the situation, deflect the, the issue that the other spouse has brought up.
Speaker B: So First Corinthians: Speaker B:So this really brings confusion and frustration, doesn't it, Teresa?
Speaker A:Yes, it really does, because nothing is getting resolved, and you're not even getting to talk about the issue that was supposed to be addressed.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:So what you.
Speaker B:What we need to do is focus on the target at hand.
Speaker B:So your.
Speaker B:Your marriage needs to be a safe place.
Speaker B:Your spouse needs to be able to bring up anything to you without fear, retribution, criticism, or penalty.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Right, Teresa, that is so true.
Speaker B:You said, but as long as you both are kind and considerate, you should get work.
Speaker B:To every issue you really, you really can remember, this is the person that you prayed for, brought into your life and is your best friend.
Speaker B:So that is.
Speaker B:Watch who your spouse is.
Speaker B:So they're not your adversary, but.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:But, you know, you still should be able to bring up issues of concern or issues of frustration and bring up something to your spouse without becoming a raging conflict or a raging argument.
Speaker B:So deflection is not dealing with the issue.
Speaker B:Deflection is just.
Speaker B:It's kind of like the center of a basketball team that someone's trying to.
Speaker B:Someone else is trying.
Speaker B:The team is trying to do a layup, and he swats it away.
Speaker B:Not in my house.
Speaker B:And swats it away.
Speaker B:So it's kind of deflecting it, you know, is this.
Speaker B:Is trying to keep, you know, this just not.
Speaker B:Or the goalie in soccer just deflects the ball.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:He tries to keep the ball from.
Speaker A:Going into the net.
Speaker B:So that's a deflection.
Speaker B:It's not really dealing with the problem.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:It's deflect, just deflecting.
Speaker B:And it can really bring.
Speaker B:Lead to frustration and confusion.
Speaker A:It could even be saying, I don't want to talk about this now.
Speaker A:Let's talk about it next week, you know, and that could be frustrating.
Speaker A:Honey, I really need more help with the housework.
Speaker A:Do you think you could pitch in a little bit?
Speaker A:I.
Speaker B:Are you saying I'm a failure?
Speaker B:Are you saying that, you know, I'm not the man of the house?
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:I just feel like you're just putting me down all the time, that I can never do anything right.
Speaker B:So that is disruption.
Speaker B:That is when someone's bringing you a concern and instead of letting them finish, you disrupt.
Speaker B:You're not really listening to what they're saying.
Speaker B:So you.
Speaker B:Disruption.
Speaker B:Now, there's two sides of this.
Speaker B:You know, when your wife or your husband comes to you with a concern or an issue, it shouldn't be a lecture it shouldn't go on for 10, 15, 20, 20, 32 hours.
Speaker B:It should not be a lecture.
Speaker B:No one likes to be lectured to.
Speaker B:They really don't.
Speaker B:But maybe one or you both are conflict adverse, and Teresa and I both fall into that category.
Speaker B:Really, really kind of conflict adverse with each other.
Speaker A:We try not to have any conflict.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:One person is feeling like I'm a failure, and they, like, they can't do anything right.
Speaker B:They just hear condemnation.
Speaker B:Condemnation.
Speaker B:They're in condemnation.
Speaker B:Like, I'm just bad.
Speaker B:I'm just a bad husband.
Speaker B:I'm just.
Speaker B:I'm just not doing.
Speaker B:I'm just.
Speaker B:I'm failing.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And that makes them feel anxious and.
Speaker B:But, you know, we practice active listening.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:But, you know, you need to be concise.
Speaker B:Your spouse should be able to come to you with a concern without fear of penalty, and you should be able to listen.
Speaker B:Be concise one or two minutes.
Speaker B:And if your spouse is coming to you about something, don't be sitting there thinking about your response.
Speaker B:Okay, I'm gonna really bring.
Speaker B:I'm gonna really get her now.
Speaker B:Wait till she hear what I got to say.
Speaker B:Listen.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:But, you know, the other one needs to be concise.
Speaker B:But then you, You.
Speaker B:You validate their.
Speaker B:Their feelings, right?
Speaker B:And say, okay, honey, I understand.
Speaker B:You feel like I'm not helping with.
Speaker B:What can I do?
Speaker B:What can I do?
Speaker A:Tell me.
Speaker B:Just tell me what I need to do.
Speaker B:Do you need help with the kids more or do you just want me just to.
Speaker B:To do the dishes every night?
Speaker B:What can I do, right, to help?
Speaker B:And, and so that is a.
Speaker B:A conversation where you come to a solution without the other per any one of you feeling condemnation.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:I shouldn't feel bad for bringing something up, and you shouldn't feel bad like I'm condemning you, because it's.
Speaker A:It's not either.
Speaker A:Either one of those things.
Speaker A:It's like you said, we can address things that need attention.
Speaker A:When it's something that's continuing to happen, it's not just like once in a while it happens that way.
Speaker A:It can avoid a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of, you know, resentment building up if it's not addressed, if it just keeps going on and on, or like you said, if it got deflected or if it's getting disrupted, there's a lot of resentment that can happen, a lot of hurt.
Speaker A:So learn.
Speaker A:We have to learn good communication skills in order not to fall into these mistakes right now.
Speaker B: Proverbs: Speaker B:So the answer is you take turn sharing, right?
Speaker B:It's not a lecture, it's not a beat down.
Speaker B:Is someone speaks and someone responds.
Speaker B:Someone speaks, someone responds.
Speaker B:So you don't.
Speaker B:You take turns sharing.
Speaker B:Because remember, your spouse is not your adversary.
Speaker B:You can get through this.
Speaker B:No matter what it is, you can get through this.
Speaker A:Mm.
Speaker A:And it helps to choose your words wisely when you want to address something.
Speaker A:Like you said, don't attack your spouse with a concern.
Speaker A:You have to be choosing your words well and not have it come across to them like an accusation.
Speaker A:But just, I need to bring this up so we can come to a solution.
Speaker B:So let's act out number three of the common mistakes that you'll quickly regret.
Speaker A:Jeff, you know, when we were at your parents house for dinner last night, some things that they said and your other family members said were kind of in embarrassing to me.
Speaker B:I think your imagination is running wild.
Speaker B:It's simply not true.
Speaker B:Nothing like that's happened.
Speaker A:So that, that's how I felt.
Speaker B:That is denial.
Speaker B:And that is frustrating.
Speaker B:It's not.
Speaker B:It may not be that I am lying.
Speaker B:I'm simply not aware.
Speaker B: Proverbs: Speaker B:So what you need to do, what Teresa should have done or can do is say, when you made that joke about my weight, I felt embarrassed and hurt.
Speaker B:So you have to be very specific with the facts and how they made you feel.
Speaker B:So it, like I said, it may not be that I'm lying.
Speaker B:I'm just not aware.
Speaker B:Maybe that's something that the guys in my family always did right, and just something we did.
Speaker B:But it's embarrassing to do to say something like that.
Speaker B:So that is called denial.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And like you said, that can happen easily when you have different family histories, different family experiences, and you come together to be married.
Speaker A:And what seemed okay for his family may not be the way my family did things.
Speaker A:So there's, there's always going to be things you have to learn about each other and be aware to show some sensitivity for each other and you know what they're used to.
Speaker A:But you can start making adjustments so that it's not.
Speaker A:Well, it has to be the always the way my family did it.
Speaker A:You know, you can start giving up some of that if it turns out to be harmful to your relationship, hurtful to Your spouse, Jeff, it really seems like you're spending all your time out at the golf course.
Speaker A:And I think we need more time together as a couple and time together as a family.
Speaker B:I really don't see what the big deal is.
Speaker B:You know, I don't spend all my time at the golf course only Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Speaker B:So that gives me four days to spend with you.
Speaker B:So technically you're not right.
Speaker B:I don't spend all my time.
Speaker B:I spend most of my time at home.
Speaker B:I only spend three days golfing.
Speaker B:So you're not right.
Speaker B:So that is diminishing.
Speaker B:That's when you really.
Speaker B:You're not really validating your spouse's feelings.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And so I was speaking more like a lawyer than a lover.
Speaker B:So you want to speak more like a lover than a lawyer.
Speaker B:Really do so.
Speaker B:And also what you can do is speak about your feelings that express the hurt.
Speaker B:So what she should say like she did, that she feels lonely out prioritized and not.
Speaker B:Not close to me.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And she should express those.
Speaker B:Those hurts.
Speaker B:It.
Speaker B:It's really a.
Speaker B:A form of selfish selfishness for someone to diminish the other other per your spouse's feelings.
Speaker B:First Corinthians 13:5 says, Love does not be.
Speaker B:Behave itself unseemingly.
Speaker B:Seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked.
Speaker B:Thinketh no evil.
Speaker B:Seeketh not her own, which is selfishness.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:That is so true.
Speaker B:Hey, if you would like a free PDF about romance tips for husbands and romance tips for wives, just drop the term romance in the comments and we'll send you a link asap.
Speaker A:Honey, it seems like you're spending an awful lot of money on golf equipment and golf shoes and golf clubs and things like that.
Speaker A:Don't we need money for more necessary things, you know, essentials.
Speaker B:Excuse me.
Speaker B:Don't you trust God?
Speaker B:If you spent more your time studying the word and praying, then you wouldn't be think of all these things to accuse me of.
Speaker B:So that is demonizing.
Speaker B:That's really.
Speaker B:You kind of reverse it and you're making the other person out to be a bad guy.
Speaker B:So she came to me with concern and I said that she had a shortcoming.
Speaker B:So that's demonizing and Right.
Speaker B:It's really, really critical when that if that happens not to reciprocate.
Speaker B:You don't want to get this into this a huge battle.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:You have to cool down.
Speaker B:You may have to stop.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker B:And come back and one of the techniques that the one who was hurt comes back and say now when you said that, that really hurt.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:You know, that's.
Speaker B:I don't see how that was germane to the conversation.
Speaker B:You know, I had a legitimate concern about our finances and what we agreed to spend money on.
Speaker B:And you put me down and made me feel like I was less than a wife.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:A hot tempered man stirs up strife.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker B:But the slow to anger comes a dispute.
Speaker B: Proverbs: Speaker B:New American Standard, also Colossians 4, 6.
Speaker B: New American Standard,: Speaker B:Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so you will know how you should respond to each person.
Speaker B:So your talk should always be life giving.
Speaker A:So that's right.
Speaker B:You should always speak things, life to your spouse.
Speaker B:Never put them down.
Speaker B:Like, like.
Speaker B:I just, I would never talk like that.
Speaker B:No, I would never do that.
Speaker B:We're play acting.
Speaker B:We're play acting.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:That's, that's why we're not good at this because we don't talk to each other.
Speaker B:We don't talk this way to each other.
Speaker B:So remember, your life with your spouse is a wonderful journey.
Speaker B:There's going to be, it's like, like I said, many different kind of roads.
Speaker B:There's the highways and there's the country roads.
Speaker B:There's gravel roads or dirt roads.
Speaker B:But no, you're walking, you're traveling with your spouse.
Speaker B:And there's rough times and there's going to be some smooth times.
Speaker B:You know, God wants you to have a successful, fulfilling marriage.
Speaker B:He desires for you to be fulfilled and have everything you've ever wanted out of your marriage.
Speaker B:He has it.
Speaker B:He is a champion of making winners in life.
Speaker B:That's especially true with marriages, which is, which is amazing.
Speaker A:Amazing.
Speaker B:It really is amazing.
Speaker B:So your marriage has to be a safe place where your spouse can come to you with any kind of concern without fear of penalty or criticism.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:That, no, you won't be met with deflection or disruption or denial or diminishing or demonizing.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:So that you will.
Speaker B:You can solve these things.
Speaker B:You can solve these problems.
Speaker B:You really can.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker B:You can solve these problems.
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Speaker B:Teresa we're going to suggest going on a walk and talking.
Speaker B:So especially if there you've been in a discussion and one spouse has brought up something, a concern, and it's not quite the alignment that there needs to be, or sometimes you need to get out of that situation and separate yourself from the environment and go on a walk and talk.
Speaker B:You don't really have to talk about what you've been arguing about at first, but you can talk about your plans, some memories, and just come back into the realization that you are married to your best friend.
Speaker B:This is the person that you prayed for, that you waited for, that God brought into your life, united you in holy matrimony.
Speaker B:So you need, sometimes we need to remind ourselves that especially there's a disagreement.
Speaker B:But so until you.
Speaker B:So just go out and walk and talk.
Speaker B:Reconnect.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And you'll find that you'll be able to align.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And come back to that topic and be more at peace with each other.
Speaker A:If there was any, you know, hurt or disagreement or, you know, kind of knocking heads together, maybe we could say.
Speaker A:But yeah, just going walking is so relaxing.
Speaker A:And I think like you said, getting out of that environment where there was tension, you know, we don't, we're not saying that you're actually fighting and hurting each other, nothing like that.
Speaker A:But that, that change of scenery and just doing something relaxing and refreshing, it could be walking in the mall.
Speaker A:I don't know how relaxing that is.
Speaker A:If the woman wants to shop though, walk outside would be great.
Speaker A:That's always nice.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So go on a walk and talk.
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Speaker B:So until next time, remember, husband and wife are friends for life.
