Don't Let Your Love Drift: Set Those Boundaries!
Boundaries that protect your marriage before it breaks are super important, and we’re diving into that juicy topic today! Most marriages don’t just crumble overnight; they drift apart slowly, often without anyone noticing. It’s not that love is gone; it’s just that boundaries weren’t set to keep the connection alive. We’re chatting about the three key boundaries every couple should put in place to maintain that spark and avoid feeling like roommates. So grab your favorite snack and let’s get into how we can safeguard our relationships from the sneaky drift! Marriage is a journey, and like any great adventure, it needs a map—and in this case, boundaries are those handy road signs that keep you on track! Couples often find themselves drifting apart not because of a lack of love, but due to the absence of clear boundaries that protect what truly matters. It’s sneaky, really; life gets busy, and before you know it, you’re more like roommates than partners in crime. That’s why in this chat, we dive into how to set up those all-important boundaries so that your marriage doesn’t just survive but thrives!
Takeaways:
- Boundaries in marriage aren't just nice to have; they're essential for keeping love alive and thriving.
- Drifting apart in marriage often happens quietly over time, so we need to be proactive in making connections.
- If we don’t protect our time together, life will fill it with all sorts of distractions, and that's a big no-no.
- Emotional intimacy needs to be nurtured within the marriage; sharing feelings outside can create a dangerous shift.
- Secrecy is like a sneaky ninja that creeps into your relationship and creates distance, so let’s keep things transparent!
- Trust in marriage is built in the small moments; openness is key to preventing misunderstandings and strengthening bonds.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://inspiringmarriages.aweb.page/p/926a03a6-4363-4a29-9f3b-321d8687194d
Transcript
Boundaries that protect your marriage before it breaks.
Speaker A:Most marriages don't fall apart at once.
Speaker A:They drift slowly, quietly, over time.
Speaker A:Not because couples stop loving each other, because they never put boundaries in place to protect what matters most.
Speaker A:And the dangerous part is you don't always see it happening.
Speaker B:It really looks like you're being busy.
Speaker B:It looks like normal life.
Speaker B:It looks like everything is fine, until one day you realize you feel more like roommates than friends, more distant than actually being connected.
Speaker B:So what happened?
Speaker B:And more importantly, how do you stop it before it goes too far?
Speaker A:In this week's podcast, we're going to talk about boundaries that protect your marriage before it breaks.
Speaker A:Let's dive in.
Speaker A:Welcome to Inspiring Marriages, where Jeff and Teresa Fields.
Speaker A:And our mission here is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage that God has designed for them.
Speaker A:After 34 years of marriage, we've learned something.
Speaker A:Love is powerful, but love alone doesn't always protect.
Speaker A:In marriage, boundaries do.
Speaker A:Boundaries are what protect your time, your heart, and your connection.
Speaker A:And without them, drift is almost guaranteed.
Speaker A:Teresa, let's talk about the three boundaries that every Christian couple should have set up in place.
Speaker A:Number one, we got to protect our time together.
Speaker B:Yes, that's right.
Speaker A:If you don't intentionally protect your time, something else will fill up your time and take it.
Speaker A:Your work, your responsibility, your kids, phones, even ministry.
Speaker A:None of these things are wrong.
Speaker A:But they can quietly replace connection.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Ephesians 5, 15, 16 tells us, See that you walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time.
Speaker A:Because the days are evil.
Speaker A:Because time alone does not always create connection.
Speaker B:No, it doesn't.
Speaker A:You can spend hours in the same house and still not connect.
Speaker A:We've been there, we've been full.
Speaker A:Our lives have been busy.
Speaker A:And we can go a whole day and not even connect.
Speaker A:And that's.
Speaker A:That's wrong.
Speaker A:So we have to make time to make those connections with your spouse.
Speaker A:So drift doesn't happen in dramatic moments.
Speaker A:It happens in unintentional ones.
Speaker A:If you don't protect your time, you will lose your connection.
Speaker A:You gotta set practical boundaries, like no phones during certain times, daily check in, conversations, texts.
Speaker A:Hey, how you doing?
Speaker A:Good morning to you.
Speaker A:How's your day?
Speaker A:And you have to protect your evenings.
Speaker B:That's good evening.
Speaker A:Your time, your family time is important.
Speaker A:So we're going to ask you a question right now.
Speaker A:Where's your time going right now?
Speaker A:Is it building your marriage or is it pulling apart the second boundary we got to Protect an emotional space.
Speaker A:Teresa.
Speaker A:Not every relationship should have the same access to your heart.
Speaker B:That's so true.
Speaker A:Proverbs 4.
Speaker A:23 Tells us, Keep your heart in all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.
Speaker A:Your heart is valuable, and who you share it with matters.
Speaker A:If you begin sharing emotional things outside your marriage more than you do with your spouse, you are creating a shift.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:For just an example, women like to talk to women about emotional things because that we can relate with it so well.
Speaker B:So if you're taking a lot of your emotional excitement or conversations to a girlfriend, then you're not really sharing that with your spouse.
Speaker B:And you're actually shifting who you share emotional things with from your spouse to another person, and in this case, a girlfriend.
Speaker B:And it may not seem like anything's wrong with that, but your spouse needs to know what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what upsets you, what thrills your heart, what.
Speaker B:What made your day.
Speaker B:But if all of that is going to friends, then your spouse is being left out and you're making connections elsewhere that should be in your marriage.
Speaker A:It all starts innocent.
Speaker A:It's a conversation.
Speaker A:It may be a shared frustration, and you found someone who's going to listen to you.
Speaker A:But over time, that connection can grow in the wrong direction.
Speaker A:What you share outside your marriage, it affects what stays inside of it.
Speaker A:So let's ask you the second question.
Speaker A:Are you sharing your heart most fully with your spouse, or are you sharing your heart more fully with someone else?
Speaker A:Boundary number three, Teresa.
Speaker A:We must protect transparency.
Speaker A:Yes, secrecy creates distance, but transparency builds trust.
Speaker A:Ephesians 4.
Speaker A:25 Tells us, Therefore put away lying.
Speaker A:Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.
Speaker A:Transparency means I have nothing to hide.
Speaker A:Not because you're forced to, because you choose trust.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Trust cannot grow where truth is hidden, can it, Teresa?
Speaker B:No, it can't.
Speaker B:Speaking truth with your neighbor, that's great.
Speaker B:In the setting of your church family, you want to be truthful with one another, but it's even much more important in your marriage to be able to talk about anything that you need to talk about.
Speaker B:Your spouse should feel comfortable coming to you to talk about any kind of subject or anything that's going on in their life.
Speaker B:And you should feel comfortable going to your spouse.
Speaker B:We've talked about this before.
Speaker B:You can speak the truth in love in a way that doesn't hurt your spouse.
Speaker B:But everything should be shared with your spouse.
Speaker B:That's the first person you can be.
Speaker B:You should be going to besides the Lord.
Speaker B:So they need to know what everything that's going on in your life, you.
Speaker A:Might say, Whoa, we need to talk more about this.
Speaker A:We have a free resource for you.
Speaker A:It's called a transparency Pact for Christian Couples.
Speaker A:There'll be a link for it in the description of this podcast, but you can go to our website inspiringmarriages.net and grab you a copy of it.
Speaker A:Teresa let's talk about how emotional affairs start and the warning signs and how to protect your marriage early.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So most emotional affairs don't start with a decision.
Speaker A:I decided I'm going to be emotionally unfaithful.
Speaker A:No, they start with a drift.
Speaker A:They start with this conversation that seems harmless.
Speaker A:A connection that feels easy.
Speaker A:A moment where someone listens and in a way your spouse hasn't lately.
Speaker A:So nothing feels wrong at first.
Speaker A:And that makes it dangerous because by the time it feels wrong, that something has already shifted.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That shift doesn't happen overnight, does it, Jeff?
Speaker B:No, it happens slowly and quietly over time.
Speaker B:That's why this is so hard to detect sometimes.
Speaker B:How do you recognize it early?
Speaker B:And more importantly, how do you protect your marriage before it ever gets to this point?
Speaker A:Let's talk about 3 early warning signs of emotional affairs and how to guard your connection before it's too late.
Speaker A:After 34 years of marriage, we learned something.
Speaker A:You just don't want wake up one day and decide to have an emotional affair.
Speaker A:You drift into it and you don't.
Speaker A:If you don't understand how that drift happens, you won't recognize it until damage has already been done.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Let's walk through how to see it early and stop it early.
Speaker A:Step one.
Speaker A:It starts with small, seemingly harmless moments.
Speaker A:The Bible tells us in Song of Solomon 2:15 catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines.
Speaker A:For our vines have tender grapes.
Speaker A:Notice what that says.
Speaker A:It's not the big things, it's is the little things that cause damage.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So here's some real life examples.
Speaker A:These should be warning signs to you.
Speaker B:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker A:It's a conversation that goes a little deeper than it should.
Speaker A:Maybe you're married and maybe there's your.
Speaker A:Maybe you're having some kind of connection problem with your spouse and you're just not connecting.
Speaker A:You're not close and you're talking to a co worker, maybe a co worker of the opposite sex.
Speaker A:And maybe they're having the exact same problem.
Speaker A:But this person is willing to listen to you.
Speaker A:This person Is talking, oh, I can talk to this person.
Speaker A:She understands me.
Speaker A:Oh, I can talk to him.
Speaker A:He understands me.
Speaker A:Is sharing something personal with someone else.
Speaker A:It's messaging back and forth.
Speaker A:And this is a warning sign when you start looking forward to those interactions.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And like I said, this starts like something small, but if it starts building like you're talking to this person more often, you're seeking this person out to talk to or to get advice from and not talking about these things with your spouse.
Speaker B:And they said now your heart's getting involved when you're looking forward to more interactions and when can I see this person next?
Speaker B:When can we talk again?
Speaker B:These should be serious warning signs, shouldn't they, Jeff?
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:They are warning signs.
Speaker A:And none of it seems wrong at first.
Speaker A:But that's the way the deceiver works.
Speaker A:He uses deception.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:You might even tell yourself it's just a conversation, we're just talking, it's not a big deal.
Speaker A:I'm not doing anything wrong.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:But something is happening.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:What feels small now is can grow into something significant later.
Speaker A:So let's ask you this hard question right now.
Speaker A:Are there any connections in your life right now that's becoming more emotionally engaging than it should be?
Speaker A:Sign number two, your emotional energy start shifting.
Speaker A:This is where the real danger begins.
Speaker A:You start sharing outside your marriage instead of inside it.
Speaker A:Instead of going to your spouse with your frustrations, your thoughts, your feelings, you first go to the other person for those things.
Speaker A:You share them with someone else first.
Speaker A:So your energy is not now not directed towards your spouse.
Speaker A:Your energy is directed towards this other person.
Speaker B:So it's like you're really sharing your life with another person instead of sharing your life with your spouse.
Speaker B:Because your day to day life is what, that's what's supposed to be happening between you and your marriage.
Speaker A:Here's what happens.
Speaker A:The other person starts to feel easier to talk to.
Speaker A:They're more understanding, they're more emotionally available.
Speaker A:And your spouse starts to feel more distant, more difficult, more disconnected.
Speaker A:And that's where emotional affairs turn into physical affairs.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So who you share your heart with shapes where your connection grows.
Speaker A:Your emotional intimacy is growing and forming, but is forming and growing in the wrong place.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So let's ask you another hard question.
Speaker A:Who gets the best of your emotional world right now?
Speaker A:Who is it?
Speaker A:Warning sign number three of emotional affairs and how to stop it.
Speaker A:This is when the shift becomes clear.
Speaker A:When something is right, you don't feel the need to hide it.
Speaker A:But when something is crossing a line, you begin to minimize it or hide it.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Here are some examples.
Speaker A:You don't mention certain conversations.
Speaker A:You don't mention, oh, I had, I talked to so and so today at lunch or I saw Dr.
Speaker A:So and so after church.
Speaker A:You delete the messages.
Speaker A:You downplay the interactions.
Speaker A:You may even avoid bringing it up.
Speaker A:Luke 8:17 tells us for nothing in secret.
Speaker A:One that will not be revealed.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:So this is a red flag.
Speaker A:Secrecy is a red flag.
Speaker A:Secrecy is a signal and it tells you something has shifted.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:It makes me think of Adam and Eve.
Speaker B:Why did they hide from God?
Speaker B:Because they knew they did something wrong.
Speaker B:And you may not know in this case, when you're hiding things from your spouse, you may not think you're doing something wrong.
Speaker B:But like, like Jeff is saying, just the fact that you're trying to be secretive about it, whatever it is, a conversation, a meeting, an ongoing relationship that seems to be getting closer and closer outside your marriage, that should be an alarm going off.
Speaker B:The Lord is going to be telling you, hey, this is wrong.
Speaker B:You've got to let your spouse know this has been going on because it's telling you your heart is somewhere else.
Speaker B:You're being secretive about this and not telling your spouse.
Speaker B:Now you're trying to omit that you even have a relationship with this other person.
Speaker B:So something has definitely shifted.
Speaker A:What you feel the need to hide is something you need to address.
Speaker B:So your spouse will probably be saying, what's going on with you?
Speaker B:You seem withdrawn or, you know, we're not having good conversations lately with something going on at work.
Speaker B:What's wrong?
Speaker B:There's.
Speaker B:They're going to notice that you're different.
Speaker A:That's so good.
Speaker A:So let's talk about this protection shift.
Speaker A:So this is not about fear, this is about protection.
Speaker A:Let's talk about practical protection.
Speaker A:You keep your emotional conversations inside your marriage.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:You set clear boundaries with others.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Crystal clear.
Speaker A:No doubt.
Speaker A:You're honest and transparent and you address distance early.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Guard what belongs inside your marriage.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:So if you're saying we need to do more in this area, maybe you're not having a.
Speaker A:Maybe you don't have a problem.
Speaker A:But it's good to talk about trying to.
Speaker A:Transparency is always good.
Speaker A:So we have a free resource for you for Christian couples transparency pack that you and you give your spouse opportunity just to talk about things and just get everything out in the open.
Speaker A:Not that you're doing anything wrong, but it's just good to have this transparency packed so you both know are on the same page together.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So emotional affairs don't start with big decisions.
Speaker A:They start with small shifts.
Speaker A:Pay attention to the small things, and that's where protection begins.
Speaker A:Teresa, let's shift now.
Speaker A:Let's talk.
Speaker A:Why talk about how transparency builds trust and the same time how secrecy destroys it.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So trust doesn't usually break all at once.
Speaker A:It erodes slowly, quietly, over time, not always through something dramatic, but through small moments of secrecy.
Speaker A:Things that feel insignificant but begin to create distance.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Like a conversation that you're not mentioning to your spouse or a message that you've deleted or maybe a whole thread of messages that you're deleting or just leaving out details of what's going on in your life.
Speaker B:And the dangerous part is you can still look like a strong couple on the outside while the trust in your relationship is weakening underneath.
Speaker B:So how do we protect trust in our marriages?
Speaker B:And how can we rebuild it if it's already been damaged?
Speaker A:So, Latrice, let's take a few moments, talk about why transparency matters, how it can strengthen your marriage in ways nothing else can.
Speaker A:So after 34 years of marriage, we learned trust is not built in big moments.
Speaker A:It's built in small, consistent moments of honesty.
Speaker A:And one of the fastest ways to damage trust is not always through betrayal, but through secrecy.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:So let's walk through here how this works and how protect your marriage from it.
Speaker A:Secrecy creates distance.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:The Bible tells us in Luke 8, 17, we mentioned this before.
Speaker A:For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.
Speaker A:So secrecy not only hides information, it limits connection.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Because real connection with your spouse requires openness.
Speaker A:And when something is hidden, something in relationship becomes restricted.
Speaker B:That is so true.
Speaker B:So I love this about the Lord.
Speaker B:I really love this about the Lord, that he wants secrets to be revealed.
Speaker B:So don't be surprised if he starts messing with you.
Speaker B:If you've been secretly keeping things from your spouse, he's going to be working on your heart.
Speaker B:He's going to be dealing with.
Speaker B:With you.
Speaker B:Because he does not condone that in your marriage.
Speaker B:He wants things to be known and brought to light so this can be stopped in its tracks and start reversing what's going on.
Speaker A:This doesn't have to be something dramatic.
Speaker A:It might look something like not mentioning a conversation, leading a message Avoiding certain topics, keeping details to yourself.
Speaker A:You might even tell yourself it's not a big deal.
Speaker A:But over time, those moments add up.
Speaker A:Now, your spouse may not know exactly what's happening, but I guarantee they feel it.
Speaker A:Yes, they sense the distance.
Speaker A:They sense a disconnection.
Speaker A:They sense something's not fully open.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So secrecy will never protect your relationship.
Speaker A:It will slowly weaken it.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:That's a lie of the enemy, isn't it?
Speaker B:To say, if you just keep this to yourself, then you're protecting your marriage.
Speaker B:But you know what he's tricking you into doing is actually harming your marriage.
Speaker B:Because like you said, trust gets broken down when there's secrecy.
Speaker A:So let's ask you a question right now, and you answer it.
Speaker A:Is there anything in your life right now that you would hesitate to fully share with your spouse?
Speaker A:Step two about transparency Teresa Transparency builds trust.
Speaker A:Bible tells us in Ephesians 4:25, Therefore put away lying.
Speaker A:Let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor for your members of one another.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Transparency says, I have nothing to hide.
Speaker A:Not because you're being monitored or not because your spouse is spying on you.
Speaker A:Not because your spouse is trying to control you.
Speaker A:Because you value trust.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Transparency is not control.
Speaker A:It's not about one person checking up on the other.
Speaker A:It's about two people choosing openness because the relationship matters more than privacy.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:We should know that being married is not about having privacy or you wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
Speaker B:You're supposed to be sharing life together about everything.
Speaker B:Everything that's going on in your life should be a shared experience as much as possible.
Speaker A:This is what transparency looks like.
Speaker A:It's being open about your conversations.
Speaker A:It's not hiding your phone.
Speaker A:It's even sharing things that might affect your trust.
Speaker A:It may affect your trust, but you need to share it anyway.
Speaker A:It's not guarding parts of your life.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:But when transparency is present, your spouse feels saved.
Speaker A:Not because they're checking everything, but because they know they could.
Speaker B:That's so important.
Speaker B:And I like that.
Speaker B:Not guarding parts of your life.
Speaker B:Just to go back to that, we can't say, my time with my buddies is my time.
Speaker B:Or a girl say, the time with my girlfriends is my time.
Speaker B:I don't have to tell him about that.
Speaker B:We are supposed to be transparent about all these things, and that really helps us not to get into these danger areas.
Speaker B:Of secrecy or developing relationships that are actually drawing your heart away from your marriage.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker A:Transparency creates safety because it removes doubt.
Speaker A:So let's ask you this question.
Speaker A:If we were going to talk to your spouse and we asked them, are you open or are you guarded?
Speaker A:What would your spouse say to us?
Speaker A:Teresa, let's talk about some practical tips on transparency.
Speaker A:What does this look like day to day?
Speaker A:Here are some key areas where transparency matters.
Speaker A:1.
Speaker A:Communication.
Speaker A:Communication.
Speaker A:Number one, be open about conversations, especially ones that could create emotional connection outside of marriage.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Let your spouse know about your conversations.
Speaker B:Yes, that's right.
Speaker B:Whether it's at work or at a restaurant or someone you talk to on the phone or friends that you are associated with, it's best to have the same group of friends, really, your husband and wife, not each one of you having separate friends.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:I think that's a good safety thing right there.
Speaker B:But yeah, just be open about any community, any conversations you're having, any other relationships, and volunteer that information.
Speaker A:Another area, practical area is technology.
Speaker A:No hidden passwords, no secret messages, no guarded devices.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:And another practical area of transparency is just your daily life.
Speaker A:Be open about where you are, who you're with, what's going on.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Not because your spouse is trying to control you, because you want to honor your spouse.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That is a huge aspect of marriage.
Speaker B:This is built on honor and trust and openness.
Speaker B:When you got married, you wanted to be honest and open and honor each other.
Speaker B:So don't lose that just because you've been married for a length of time.
Speaker B:This is so essential.
Speaker A:It's not about you losing independence.
Speaker A:It's about strengthening your trust.
Speaker A:Trust grows in light and struggles in the shadows.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:It's like we've said before, it really starts eroding.
Speaker B:Trust gets eroded in the shadows with hidden things and things you're not telling each other.
Speaker B:Stuff that's going on that you're not being transparent about, it's going to harm the trust in your marriage.
Speaker B:And trust is one of the huge parts of your foundation.
Speaker B:It's your friendship, it's your knowing I can trust this person whether they tell me or not.
Speaker B:But because they come and openly talk to me.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That just keeps reinforcing the trust in your relationship.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So if you're realizing, hey, we need to grow in this area, we need to grow this area of transparency, we have something for you.
Speaker A:It's a transparency pact.
Speaker A:P A C T for Christian couples.
Speaker A:And you, it's free for you.
Speaker A:Free to download.
Speaker A:You should find a link for it in this podcast description.
Speaker A:You should be able to sign up to receive as a keep in touch section and you can sign up for free or find this episode and see the description.
Speaker A:You don't build trust in big moments.
Speaker A:We build it in small, honest ones.
Speaker A:And we need to start there.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Every day we have opportunities to build trust.
Speaker A:So we're Jeff and Teresa Fields.
Speaker A:This is inspiring.
Speaker A:Marriages.
Speaker A:And remember, God designed husband and wife to be friends for life.
