When Conversations Go South: Fixing Marriage Miscommunication
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your spouse thinking, “That’s not what I meant”? Yeah, us too! Communication can go sideways even when we’ve got the best intentions. In this episode, we dive into why those chats often turn into frustration and how to break those pesky patterns that chip away at your connection. We’ll dish out some friendly tips on how to listen better, avoid the urge to be right, and keep that curiosity alive in your conversations. So grab your favorite drink, kick back, and let’s get chatting about how to keep the spark alive in your marriage! Ever have one of those chats with your spouse where you walk away thinking, 'Wait, what just happened?' Yeah, me too. It's like we start off with good intentions, but somehow it morphs into frustration and misunderstandings. Jeff and Teresa dive into this crazy world of marital communication, highlighting how easy it is to misinterpret each other's words and intentions. They discuss how these little misfires stack up over time, leading to that dreaded distance in our relationships. They emphasize that good communication isn’t just about talking more; it’s about listening and understanding. It’s like they’re holding a mirror up and saying, 'Hey, are you really hearing what your partner is saying, or are you just waiting to jump in with your own response?' They break down some common patterns that can derail a conversation, like listening to react instead of to understand, which just leads to defensiveness instead of connection. The wisdom here is all about transforming those moments of tension into opportunities for deeper understanding. So, what’s the magic trick? Well, they suggest slowing things down. Instead of firing off a reaction, take a breath and really consider what’s being said. They remind us that the goal isn’t to be right; it’s to stay connected. And if you find yourself in a tough spot, they encourage asking questions like, 'Help me understand what you meant.' This kind of curiosity diffuses tension and opens the door to real connection. So, if you’ve ever found yourself in a communication pickle, this episode is a goldmine of practical tips to help steer your conversations back to harmony and away from chaos. Lastly, Jeff and Teresa offer a free resource aimed at helping couples rekindle their connection. It’s a seven-day devotional that guides couples to go from feeling lonely to best friends again, which sounds like a pretty sweet deal! They wrap up with a reminder that healthy communication is all about creating a safe space for both partners to share their feelings without fear, building a stronger bond in the process. So grab your partner, tune in, and let’s get those conversation skills polished!
Takeaways:
- Communication can go wrong even with good intentions; it's all about how we listen and respond.
- When we focus on being right instead of connecting, we risk hurting our relationship.
- Assuming our partner's intent often leads to misunderstandings and can damage the connection.
- Slowing down conversations allows for better understanding and reduces emotional flare-ups in discussions.
Links referenced in this episode:
Please pick up a copy of from lonely to best friends again https://inspiringmarriages.aweb.page/transform-your-marriage-devotional
Transcript
Have you ever walked away from a conversation in your marriage thinking, that's not what I meant.
Speaker A:But it somehow turned into frustration.
Speaker A:You weren't trying to argue, you weren't trying to hurt each other, but the conversation still went wrong.
Speaker A:And over time, those moments stack up.
Speaker B:So you talk less, you're holding things in, and connection slowly begins to fade.
Speaker B:So what's actually happening?
Speaker B:Why do conversations go wrong even when your intentions are good?
Speaker A:Welcome to the Inspiring Marriages Podcast.
Speaker A:We are Jeff and Teresa Fields, where our mission is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage that God has designed.
Speaker A:Teresa, today we're going to talk about communication patterns and how to have a good communication and avoid the patterns that will actually hurt your relationship.
Speaker A:And instead of helping it.
Speaker A:So let's talk about why your conversation keeps going wrong even when you mean well.
Speaker A:And pattern number one, we've seen this pattern before.
Speaker A:You listen to react.
Speaker A:And the Bible tells us in James, chapter one, verse 19.
Speaker A:So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow the wrath.
Speaker A:But most of us do the opposite, don't we, Teresa?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Remember, we've heard that saying, God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you're supposed to listen twice as much as you speak.
Speaker B:I think that's really good.
Speaker A:So we're usually not slow to speak.
Speaker A:We're really thinking about what we're going to say once our partner or spouse stops talking.
Speaker A:And that's not really listening.
Speaker A:You're just figuring out what to say next.
Speaker A:You're not trying to make an effort to understand what your spouse is saying.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So your spouse may say, I feel like we haven't been connecting lately.
Speaker A:And instead of hearing their heart, you hear criticism.
Speaker A:And you might respond, that's not true.
Speaker A:We spent time together yesterday.
Speaker A:Now the conversation has shifted from connection to defense.
Speaker B:So that's a valid thing to bring up.
Speaker B:I feel like we haven't been connecting lately, and a lot of times it's going to come from the wife because we're all into relationships.
Speaker B:But that's a valid thing to need to bring up.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So instead of saying, that's not true, say, tell me more about it.
Speaker A:So that changes everything.
Speaker A:Now you're inviting connection.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:So, yes, Listening to respond will block your connection.
Speaker A:Listening to understand will build your connection.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:The second pattern to get we have to get rid of is trying to be right.
Speaker A:Sometimes we care more about being right than being connected.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker A:Your spouse may say, that hurt me and your instinct is to respond, that's not what I meant.
Speaker A:Putting it back on them.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So you just dismiss their experience, you just dismiss your spouse's feelings.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And we have to remember to validate our spouse.
Speaker B:They, the feelings they have are real.
Speaker B:They're not saying it because they're just making something up.
Speaker B:They really did feel hurt.
Speaker B:So definitely not reacting, trying to defend yourself.
Speaker B:That you dismissing their experience or dismissing their emotion and their true feelings can be very hurtful.
Speaker A:So instead of say I'm sorry, let me understand how you felt.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:So you can win an argument but lose the connection.
Speaker B:That's a sad thing to happen too, because we don't want arguments to drive us apart.
Speaker B:Having an argument, really, that should be happening less and less in your marriage as you go along.
Speaker B:If you're learning not to practice these patterns or not to just let them happen and without trying to make some changes.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Pattern number three that we must eliminate when we're having a hard conversation is assuming intent.
Speaker A:This is the one that causes so much damage.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:We assume that we know what our the other person meant.
Speaker A:You said that because you don't care.
Speaker A:You did it on purpose.
Speaker A:Those accusations create misunderstanding.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And we have to remember that the enemy is such a masterful accuser and he wants to use you to accuse your spouse and hurt them.
Speaker B:That may have not been at all what they intended, what was in their mind or heart.
Speaker B:But the enemy wants you to accuse them either just in your mind or actually start speaking accusations out loud to hurt them.
Speaker A:So try this instead.
Speaker A:Help me understand what you meant.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Because assumptions create distance, questions create clarity.
Speaker A:And you might be listening to this podcast right now and say, we can certainly relate to this.
Speaker A:We have a free resource for you.
Speaker A:It's called From Lonely to Best Friends Again.
Speaker A:It's a free seven day devotional designed for Christian couples.
Speaker A:Step by step, day by day, to go from where we are to best friends again.
Speaker A:And there should be a link for it in the description or you can go to our website, inspiringmarriages.net and you can.
Speaker A:There's a keep in touch section.
Speaker A:You can sign up for our latest offerings for free.
Speaker A:Now, Teresa, let's talk about how to have those hard conversations without damaging our marriage.
Speaker A:There are some things in your marriage that you need to talk about, but every time you try, it feels like it could turn to tension.
Speaker A:So you start avoiding it.
Speaker A:Not because you don't care, but because you don't want to make things worse.
Speaker A:And now you're stuck.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Because if you keep avoiding it, it is creating distance.
Speaker B:These are things you're going to have to talk about sooner or later.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But if you bring it up, it seems to create conflict.
Speaker B:So what can you do?
Speaker A:So how do you have these hard conversations without hurting each other and without damaging the relationship?
Speaker A:So in this section we'll give you three practical ways to handle difficult conversations that actually lead to connection instead of conflict.
Speaker A:Number one, this is such a key, you got to slow the conversation down.
Speaker A: The Bible says in Proverbs: Speaker A:So wow.
Speaker A:When the conversations go so fast, we.
Speaker A:Emotions get involved first may flare.
Speaker A:It just gets tense, it gets heavy.
Speaker A:When the conversations move too fast, emotions will take over.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:And a man of discretion is someone like you said, who is quick to hear and slow to speak.
Speaker B:We need to be very thoughtful about the words that we choose.
Speaker B:You would do that with your kids when you realize if I said certain things and my kids looked hurt, I don't need to keep using those words that really affects them.
Speaker B:I need to choose my words wisely when talking to my spouse.
Speaker B:Just the same, you don't want to just react and say something that's hurtful when your spouse talks to you about a difficult subject in your marriage.
Speaker B:So this is good to slow it down.
Speaker B:And I love that.
Speaker B:Overlooking a transgression, that's what love does.
Speaker B:It's going to cover a multitude of sins if we're loving with God's love.
Speaker B:So don't take it personally.
Speaker B:When you have a situation, something to talk over that's difficult.
Speaker B:Don't take this as a personal thing like I'm the problem.
Speaker B:That's not what your spouse is saying.
Speaker B:You've got to slow down.
Speaker B:Like you said, just take a breath.
Speaker B:Okay, now we've got to think about what we're going to say before we talk about this.
Speaker A:So fast reactions can create damage, slow responses can create clarity.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:And step number two, we got to separate the E issue from the person.
Speaker A:The Bible tells us Ephesians 4:2, with all lowliness and gentleness, with long suffering bearing with one another in love, your spouse is not the problem.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Instead of saying, you always do this, say I think we're struggling with this.
Speaker B:Oh, that's really good.
Speaker A:It can be a whole variety of issues that you might be dealing with.
Speaker A:It might be financial, it might be relational it might be something with the children.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:It may be something with the in laws and maybe something with relatives.
Speaker A:There might be things that you got to deal with that you got to handle that may get heavy and make it difficult to talk about.
Speaker A:But you have to talk about those things, don't you, Teresa?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:And you're just going to have to set your emotions about the topic aside for a time to look at it reasonably, like you said, and say, we have an issue and we need to talk about it together.
Speaker B:And this takes humility, it takes patience, it takes maturity to rein in yourself and say, our relationship is more valuable than me just spouting off feelings or just, I gotta give you a piece of my mind.
Speaker B:That's not going to help it at all.
Speaker B:It's an issue that you can work on together.
Speaker B:So it's not your spouse that's the problem.
Speaker B:You don't tell me when you're going to have the kids or that kind of thing.
Speaker B:You don't want to take that kind of tone or that kind of accusation.
Speaker B:We're going to deal with the problem together.
Speaker B:Let's talk about what we need to do with the kids, different schedules or whatever it is, work it out.
Speaker A:So instead of saying, you always do this or you always overspend.
Speaker A:And so instead of saying that, saying, I think we're struggling with this or I think we're struggling with something in our, in our budget, with our finances, because something is out of balance.
Speaker A:And so together you can attack the problem.
Speaker A:Find out, oh, maybe the cooling bill is way higher than you expected this month.
Speaker A:That means you need to make adjustments in other areas to stay under your budget.
Speaker A:So maybe gas went way up, maybe food prices went way up, maybe something came in, an unexpected medical bill came in.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Right, you gotta attack those problems together.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Oh, so instead of doing this week, we should not do that, so.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Don't spend extra money on something.
Speaker B:When you have, like you said, an expense that comes up that you've got to, you got to pay it.
Speaker B:You can't just say, that's not important.
Speaker B:Utility bill is very important.
Speaker B:But yeah, like you said, talk about it together and go over things together and see it as an issue to solve.
Speaker B:Not, like you said, saying you always turn up the thermostat or you always spend too much on this or that, because that is not going to help solve anything.
Speaker A:You attack the problem, not the person.
Speaker A:Step number three, you got to stay curious.
Speaker A:Curiosity lowers attention.
Speaker A:Defense will increase it.
Speaker A:So instead of defending yourself.
Speaker A:Ask questions.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Can you help me understand what were you feeling when.
Speaker A:In that moment.
Speaker A:So that just invites connection, doesn't it, Teresa?
Speaker B:It does.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:And you can't.
Speaker B:Like you said, you can't take offense because your spouse is bringing up a problem, even if they don't use the best words.
Speaker B:You can step back and not take offense.
Speaker B:And like you said, ask questions to get more clarity about the situation.
Speaker B:That works so much better than and trying to defend yourself.
Speaker A:Curiosity will diffuse the conflict.
Speaker A:Teresa, let's talk about what do you say when your spouse actually hurts you?
Speaker A:Because if you say nothing, it doesn't just disappear, it stays.
Speaker A:It builds.
Speaker A:It'll start to show up in other moments.
Speaker A:Distance, intention is going to show up in how you respond to each other.
Speaker B:Oh, yes, that's so true.
Speaker B:But if you say it the wrong way, it can turn into and now you're dealing with two problems instead of one.
Speaker B:So what's the right way to say it?
Speaker A:How do you express hurt without making it worse and actually move towards connection?
Speaker A:So we're going to talk about three practical ways to communicate hurt that lead to healing instead of escalation.
Speaker A:Step number one, we're going to talk about this, Teresa.
Speaker A:We need to speak from emotion, not accusation.
Speaker A:The Bible tells us, Ephesians 4:15, Speak the truth in love.
Speaker A:That means we're called to be honest, but it also means we need to be careful in how we communicate that honesty.
Speaker A:When you're hurt, and your instinct is often, it's often just to say, you hurt me.
Speaker A:You shouldn't have done that.
Speaker A:Why would you say that?
Speaker A:So all those statements feel like attack.
Speaker B:They do.
Speaker B:They really do.
Speaker A:And when someone feels attacked, they defend themselves.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That's usually the reaction you're going to get.
Speaker B:So for an example, Jeff, let's say that your spouse forgot something important.
Speaker B:So your instinct might be you want to say you don't care about what matters to me, but what you're really feeling is, I feel overlooked.
Speaker A:Instead, say, I felt hurt when that happened.
Speaker A:That one shift changes everything.
Speaker A:Because now you're not attacking, you're inviting.
Speaker A:Because accusation creates defense, Emotion invites connection.
Speaker B:Yeah, I like that.
Speaker B:Because if you say, I felt hurt when that happened, then your spouse can actually say, has this ever happened to you before?
Speaker B:Or what did that make you think of?
Speaker B:Did it remind you of something hurtful that has happened to you in the past?
Speaker B:Or anything like that that does invite connection.
Speaker B:So it's not an attack.
Speaker B:And then you can Actually start talking about it.
Speaker A:So let's ask you a question.
Speaker A:Think about the last time you had a very difficult conversation with your spouse.
Speaker A:When you expressed your hurt, did it sound like an attack or did it sound like an invitation?
Speaker A:Let you think about that for a minute.
Speaker A:Just go back and think about that.
Speaker A:Step number two, what to say when you're hurt without making things actually worse is be specific, not general.
Speaker A:This is where a lot of conversations run off the rails.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:When you're hurt is easy to generate.
Speaker A:When you're hurt, it's easy to generalize.
Speaker A:You always do this.
Speaker A:You never listen.
Speaker A:This happens all the time.
Speaker A:But general statements can make your spouse feel overwhelmed.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:And make your spouse feel like, I can never get this right.
Speaker A:I try and I just can't get.
Speaker B:This right, or my spouse doesn't understand me.
Speaker B:We don't want that to be happening.
Speaker A:So instead of saying, you never listen to me, say no.
Speaker A:When I was talking to you earlier, you're just looking down at your phone.
Speaker A:And I didn't.
Speaker A:I felt like I didn't matter.
Speaker A:Now, the conversation is clear, it's specific, it's understandable.
Speaker A:So general statements create pressure.
Speaker A:Specific statements create clarity.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So again, we'll get you to think about your last conversation you have with your spouse.
Speaker A:Think about your last difficult conversation.
Speaker A:Were you being specific or were you being general?
Speaker A:And just think about it.
Speaker A:And you might even have to ask your spouse, was I specific or was I general?
Speaker A:Because you may not remember what you said.
Speaker B:Yes, that's a good idea, Jeff.
Speaker A:Step three.
Speaker A:When you're actually hurt, but you don't want to make things worse, step three is to invite resolution, not reaction.
Speaker A:This is where the whole conversation bring.
Speaker A:You bring it back towards connection.
Speaker A:If you only express hurt, but don't invite resolution, the conversation can stay stuck.
Speaker B:Wow, that's so true.
Speaker B:That is so true.
Speaker A:So try these.
Speaker A:Here's some practical tips.
Speaker A:Can we talk through this together?
Speaker A:I want us to feel close again.
Speaker A:Can we figure this out together?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:Because the whole purpose of having a conversation is so that you can work on something, deal with something together.
Speaker B:The Lord gave you, your spouse to go through life with.
Speaker B:That's not someone to fight with.
Speaker B:That's someone to work together with.
Speaker B:Adam and Eve had to work together.
Speaker B:Anybody you see as an example of a godly marriage.
Speaker B:These marriages that are like 50, 60, 70 years, they learn to work together.
Speaker B:They learn to listen to each other and to understand one another.
Speaker B:And that longevity was not just because time passed.
Speaker B:It's because they loved each other enough to put the relationship over there, personal wants or needs, and say, we need to do this together.
Speaker B:Let's find a solution.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:The goal is clear.
Speaker A:The goal is not winning.
Speaker A:It's not about proving a point.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:The goal is to restore connection.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Healthy communication.
Speaker A:Sorry.
Speaker A:Healthy communication doesn't end with expression.
Speaker A:It moves towards resolution.
Speaker A:If you're just venting all the time, just saying what's on your mind, just vent, vent, vent.
Speaker A:Without inviting a resolution is not making things better.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I think a lot of people can tend to do that.
Speaker B:Just vent at their spouse and then walk out of the room.
Speaker B:But that's not inviting any resolution.
Speaker B:That's just attacking your spouse and then withdrawing.
Speaker A:So you don't need perfect words.
Speaker A:You just need a better way to say what matters.
Speaker B:Oh, that's.
Speaker A:So you start there.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Again, this is Jeff and Teresa Fields.
Speaker A:This is Inspiring Marriages.
Speaker A:You can find us on YouTube, you can find us on Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok.
Speaker A:We're all over the place.
Speaker A:So just search for inspiring marriages on all those platforms and you should be able to find us on there.
Speaker A:So until next time, remember, God designed.
Speaker B:Wife to be friends for life.
