Healing Hearts: The Art of Marital Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a big deal in marriage, and it's not just about saying "I forgive you" and moving on. It's all about building that resilient bond and healing together. In this chat, we dive deep into how practicing forgiveness can transform your relationship into something stronger and more loving. We’ll toss around some practical tips to help you navigate this journey, because we all know marriage can throw some curveballs our way. So grab a comfy seat, maybe a snack, and get ready for some real talk on how to make your marriage thrive through the power of forgiveness!
In this episode, Jeff and Teresa pull back the curtain on the transformative power of forgiveness in marriage. They encourage couples to not only forgive but to actively engage in practices that promote healing and understanding. With over three decades of experience, they share stories that resonate with anyone who's felt the sting of hurt in their relationship. This isn't a one-time fix; it’s a journey that requires ongoing effort and grace. They tackle real-life scenarios—like how to set healthy boundaries and the importance of patience—while keeping the conversation engaging and relatable. If you’re ready to take your marriage to the next level, tune in for insights that will inspire you to embrace forgiveness as a continuous practice. It’s not just about moving on; it’s about moving forward together!
Takeaways:
- Practicing forgiveness in marriage isn't just a one-time thing; it's a journey that takes patience and effort.
- Forgiveness means treating your spouse like they didn't offend you, which can deepen your bond and heal wounds.
- Setting clear boundaries in your relationship can help prevent misunderstandings and build trust over time.
- Communication is key; reflect back what your spouse says to ensure they feel heard and valued.
Links referenced in this episode:
Companies mentioned in this episode:
- Dave Ramsey
- Financial Peace University
- Joyce Meyer
- Charles Stanley
- John and Paula Stanford
- Inspiring Marriages Podcast
- Stronger Marriage Podcast
Transcript
Welcome to the Inspiring Marriage Podcast.
Speaker A:We are Jeff and Teresa Fields and we are thrilled to have you with us today.
Speaker B:In this heartfelt episode, we delve into the profound impact of forgiveness in marriage and how it serves as an act of selfless love.
Speaker A:Forgiveness isn't merely about forgetting the wrongs done, but about nurturing a stronger, more resilient bond between partners.
Speaker B:Marriage is a journey of love, but it's also a path that requires forgiveness.
Speaker A:Tune in to hear practical tips on how to practice forgiveness in your marriage.
Speaker A:The brilliant music that you heard in our intro, that's the brilliant work our very own son, Joseph Taylor feels We've.
Speaker B:Been happily married for an amazing 33 years.
Speaker B:Along the way, we've been blessed with three incredible grown children, a fantastic son in law, and the most precious grandbaby you could imagine.
Speaker A:Get ready to be inspired as we open up about our journey.
Speaker A:Our mission is to ignite a spark in couples everywhere.
Speaker B:We're all about nurturing deep friendships and cultivating marriages that thrive thrive in every.
Speaker A:Way spiritually, emotionally, romantically and physically.
Speaker B:Join us on this incredible journey.
Speaker A:Be sure to check out our website@inspiringmarriages.net Dive into all of our previous episodes with detailed note show notes that enrich your listening experience.
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Speaker B:Visit us today.
Speaker A:As Dr.
Speaker A:Jerry Savelle would say, God is a champion of making winners in life.
Speaker A:In the same way, marriage is a testament to God's commitment to making winners in life.
Speaker A:We believe that through love, unity and unwavering faith, we are empowered to overcome challenges and and achieve greatness.
Speaker B:Together, with God as our guiding force, we strive to create a partnership that thrives on mutual respect, understanding and an unbreakable bond.
Speaker A:Our journey together is a celebration of God's divine purpose, making us stronger and more victorious with each passing day.
Speaker A:So today we're going to talk about practicing forgiveness in marriage.
Speaker A:And this is all based really, Ephesians 5:25 where Paul instructed the husbands, husbands, love your wife, seek the highest good for her, and surround her with a caring, unselfish love.
Speaker A:Just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, so we talked about agape, which is unselfish love seeking the highest good of your spouse.
Speaker A:So when we walk in forgiveness with our spouse, what we're doing is we are seeking their highest good.
Speaker A:We are seeking their benefit.
Speaker A: We saw in the Webster's: Speaker A:You cast away that offense so you can treat the person like you haven't been offended.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:You have to treat the offender as not guilty.
Speaker A:So last week we started giving practical tips on how to walk of forgiveness and to this week we're going to continue that.
Speaker A:Our first practical tip is, is to set boundaries.
Speaker A:You have to establish healthy boundaries.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:To prevent reoccurring issues.
Speaker A:Clear boundaries help maintain respect and trust in relationship such as computer habits or spending habits.
Speaker A:Like we said last week, Teresa, an offense can build up, it can build up slowly over time or it can be something major that really can build a wall between you and your spouse and your trust is destroyed.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So some examples may be something as like spending where one will just go out and spend money that, on something that the couple did not agree on where he, he might just go out and buy something extravagant.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Or, or she might go out and spend something extravagant and just spend the money with.
Speaker A:When you two have not agreed on spending that money for whatever, you know, a car.
Speaker A:I, I've known couples that have bought cars without the others consent and, or you know, it could be a car, it can be clothes, it can be something for the kids, it can be something for, for the, for the house.
Speaker A:But the other person will feel offended or receive offense because they have not agreed upon that process.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:So what's a good way to set.
Speaker A:A boundary for a good way about is really to have a written budget.
Speaker A:And like we, we had before, we really recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University where you have a written budget that you agree to before the month begins.
Speaker A:Another good way of doing it is only spend cash so you have money.
Speaker A:So it's not that you can't spend money, but you need to agree on spending money.
Speaker A:So in our case, Theresa was a stay at home mom and she taught the kids school, she homeschooled our kids.
Speaker A:But you know, I never treated it, I never treat anything as this is my money because I was, I was the one that was going out in and at the job and receiving the salary.
Speaker A:I considered all that equally hers.
Speaker A:She had a full right to say, have full right to say in our budget.
Speaker A:You know, I didn't just tell her this is what you're going to spend.
Speaker A:We had to come to agreement.
Speaker A:And a good way of doing that is just okay, you have this much money to spend on anything you want and put it, but put it in cash.
Speaker A:You can spend this on cash, on anything you want.
Speaker A:Don't buy anything on a credit card.
Speaker A:Don't take out a loan.
Speaker A:It's just.
Speaker A:No, put everything in cash.
Speaker A:So that way you too.
Speaker A:So if Theresa wants to buy something, she can buy it, you know, without my.
Speaker A:But always have a set limit.
Speaker A:No one is going to spend any.
Speaker A:This amount of money except you talk about it first and the other person agrees.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:And each couple is different.
Speaker A:That might be $25, that might be $500.
Speaker A:It just depends on your situation and where you are in life.
Speaker A:And just come to that agreement that this is, you know, we're not going to spend over this amount without talking to the other person.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:First.
Speaker B:That's really good.
Speaker A:But cash is a good way to.
Speaker A:To control your spending habits.
Speaker B:That really helped me using the envelope system from Dave Ramsey.
Speaker A:The envelope system is wonderful.
Speaker B:Great.
Speaker B:Because you separate the cash into categories.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:This much I'm putting in my grocery envelope, another amount.
Speaker B:Putting in a clothing envelope, another one.
Speaker B:Just set a set of money that's just for fun, like doing something spontaneous and fun with.
Speaker B:With the money, something with the kids or just a spontaneous date night or something.
Speaker B:And that.
Speaker B:That really helps because when the cash is used up, you're not spending anything else past that.
Speaker B:It really helps.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Another thing, it's something maybe causing offense to your marriage.
Speaker A:Maybe.
Speaker A:Maybe it's something like pornography where.
Speaker A:So you can set up filters on your computers or filters on your phone to help.
Speaker A:And don't have one computer off somewhere in the house where the other.
Speaker A:The other spouse.
Speaker A:The other spouse has no access to it.
Speaker A:With one spouse is in there by themselves for hours.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And there's no accountability there.
Speaker A:Like, Teresa can see all of my texts.
Speaker A:She can see all.
Speaker A:All my Google searches.
Speaker A:She can see everything that, That I.
Speaker A:I do on my phone.
Speaker A:Even on my phone, if I search for something I think she can see.
Speaker B:No search for it comes up.
Speaker A:And it's not that.
Speaker A:It's not that it's boring.
Speaker A:It's boring.
Speaker A:What's he searching for?
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:Tools.
Speaker B:Yeah, tools.
Speaker A:So it's not that exciting.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:But establish clear boundaries.
Speaker A:That's the key thing.
Speaker A:If there's some offense that keeps occurring, set up some kind of boundary to help to help the other spouse.
Speaker B:And that's something you come together and agree on.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:It's not like one spouse trying to parent the other spouse.
Speaker A:You know, we had to agree on because certainly.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:You don't want to offend your spouse.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Certain you don't want to.
Speaker A:Another thing to do, Teresa, is practice patience.
Speaker B:Oh, yes.
Speaker A:So, you know, we.
Speaker A:We are where we are now, and we were not the same people 33 years ago.
Speaker A:No, I didn't know how to be a husband.
Speaker A:I didn't really know how to be a father.
Speaker A:You know, we.
Speaker A:We had.
Speaker A:I had to learn to become a husband.
Speaker A:I had to learn to communicate with my spouse.
Speaker A:Teresa had to learn how to be a wife.
Speaker A:She had to learn how to be a mother.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:But patience is a process that takes time.
Speaker A:You have to be patient with you and your spouse as you work through this healing journey.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So that you might have heard this.
Speaker B:You know that when you want to deal with something in your own heart or forgiving someone else, sometimes you just have to start with the very top layer, you know, and kind of work your way down to the deeper things.
Speaker B:Kind of like peeling layers off an onion, just taking it layer by layer, and forgive more deeply each time to.
Speaker B:To get, like, to the root of the offense or the hurt or whatever.
Speaker B:So it is going to be a process.
Speaker A:It is a process.
Speaker B:Might just start with the little things that are annoying, but then you're going to have to work through other things that are more consequential and deeper issues and.
Speaker B:And that kind of thing.
Speaker B:Because, you know, there's so much that happens in the marriage relationship that you don't realize sometimes even yourself.
Speaker B:Where did that come from?
Speaker B:Why did I say that?
Speaker B:Why did I have that attitude towards my spouse?
Speaker B:And we really got to pray about these things and talk to the Lord and say, lord, show me what is going on in my heart.
Speaker B:Why am I reacting this way?
Speaker B:Why am I treating my spouse this way?
Speaker B:And of course, if.
Speaker B:If they do something, Lord, help me not to react, you know, not to become bitter, not to take this so personally, but understand something's going on with them, and I need to pray for them and let them, you know, help them to reveal that to me as they're able to just forgive until you know what's going on.
Speaker B:You could still forgive.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And pray for them and ask the Holy Spirit to work in their heart in.
Speaker B:In between you two and your relationship.
Speaker B:And it is.
Speaker B:It's just a process that is so good.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:This whole forgiveness, it's not something that just happens suddenly and everything's taken care of, but it can happen quickly.
Speaker B:The choice happens quickly, but the process does take time.
Speaker B:So we've got to be patient with each other, give each other a lot of grace.
Speaker B:I just heard Someone, you know, that was young and married and saying, they just started out saying, we're going to have to give each other a lot of grace because, you know, if you're single for a while and then you get married, you're setting your ways.
Speaker A:You're setting your ways.
Speaker A:Some areas used to just go, if you see something, when I buy, you spy, maybe you were single, a single adult lady, and you just, when you saw a dress you liked, you just bought it or shoes or, or a hat, you know, not being frivolous, you know, those things cost a lot of money.
Speaker A:Or a guy saw, hey, there's a, hey, there's a tool I like.
Speaker A:I'm just gonna buy that tool or, or, or new computer game or whatever.
Speaker A:New computer or whatever it is, or car.
Speaker A:And just never had to give account to anybody before.
Speaker A:It's just new.
Speaker B:It is, it is an adjustment to being married.
Speaker B:And yeah, you don't make those decisions by yourself anymore.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Another practical tip, how to walk in forgiveness in marriage is seek support.
Speaker A:Now, we are not your counselor.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:It's not fair to you.
Speaker A:We are not.
Speaker A:We don't counsel by email, we don't counsel online.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:People might send us questions and we don't counsel that way.
Speaker A:We're not, we're not counselors.
Speaker A:We're not your counselors.
Speaker A:But seek support.
Speaker A:Sometimes it helps to seek counsel, guidance.
Speaker A:Now it may be from a mentor, maybe an older, a mature couple that you know, it may be a counselor or maybe you're a faith leader, someone affiliated with your church, you know, someone that your pastor recommends, right?
Speaker B:Oh, yes.
Speaker A:And you say, well, we can't afford counseling.
Speaker A:You can't afford not to go to counseling.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:I heard a recent study where they.
Speaker A:The average wedding in America is like $30,000 and the average divorce in America is $30,000.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:It's costs just as much to get divorced as it does to get married.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:If you're.
Speaker B:It is costly.
Speaker A:It is costly.
Speaker A:That's not including the emotional damage.
Speaker B:Not including.
Speaker A:And the things, the effect it has on the children or the, the spouse.
Speaker A:So seek guidance.
Speaker A:They can provide you valuable insight and support as you navigate through forgiveness.
Speaker A:Seek guidance so it's not a indication of weakness or frailty if you, if you reach out for support.
Speaker A:I'd rather reach out support and get healed or get healing than not just like you go to a, to a doctor when you're not feeling well.
Speaker A:You should also seek support for your marriage when things aren't going well.
Speaker B:That's good.
Speaker B:Oh, yes.
Speaker A:And one great verse is 1st Corinthians 13:5 in a new living translation, talks about love.
Speaker A:It does not demand its own way.
Speaker A:Love, it is not irritable.
Speaker A:Love is not irritable.
Speaker A:And love keeps no record of, of being wrong.
Speaker A:So record doesn't keep track of, well, you, you wrong me on this day, I'm gonna write it down.
Speaker A:I remember.
Speaker A:I'm gonna bring it up every chance I get.
Speaker B:I've known people that wrote it down.
Speaker A:Love doesn't do that.
Speaker B:Really did.
Speaker A:Love keeps no record of being wronged, really.
Speaker A:So that's why forgiveness is important in marriage, isn't it, Teresa?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:It's so important because if you're keeping a record just mentally or emotionally, you're actually just building up this mountain of resentment, this mountain of hurt, you know, just like I said, building that wall between you and your spouse.
Speaker B:And we just have to remember what God did for us.
Speaker B:Like we talked about last week, he completely released us from the debt.
Speaker B:He cast our sin away from us as far as the east is from the west and remembered it no more.
Speaker B:So he can give us the ability to forget, to release it and forget it, never bring it up again.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:So that is so important because if you are bringing it up to your spouse and you say you forgiven, then you really haven't forgiven.
Speaker B:You're still thinking on it, you're still stewing about it or whatever, still upset about it.
Speaker B:And you might have just kidded, kidding, being, kidding yourself and saying, no, I let it go.
Speaker B:But if it's still coming up in your heart and your mind, you really haven't forgiven.
Speaker B:So you need to go deeper with that forgiveness, you know, work in your own heart and forgiving your spouse.
Speaker B:And that could come out, you know, in this next one, this next tip that we're going to talk about, praying together.
Speaker B:It's amazing when we've prayed together, the kinds of things that the Lord brought to mind that we weren't even going to pray about.
Speaker B:And it turned out to be something we either needed to work through in our prayer time and talk about or just reminding us of some things that, you know, helped us to focus on.
Speaker B:So we're not focusing on the things that really don't matter, you know, focus on what builds our relationship and what strengthens our marriage.
Speaker B:So for faith based couples, praying together can be a powerful way to seek God's guidance, strength in the process of forgiveness.
Speaker B:Because we can't do this in our own strength.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Marriage was not designed for you to just be, hey, I'm woman.
Speaker B:And he's like, I am man, you know, and I can do this.
Speaker B:No, it's really going to show your weaknesses big time.
Speaker B:It's really going to test your patience.
Speaker B:It's going to test what you are made of.
Speaker B:You have to crucify yourself, your flesh and your wants and any kind of selfishness.
Speaker B:And when you pray together, it's like, yeah, this is about us.
Speaker B:This is not just all about me and what I want.
Speaker B:This is about us and what's best for us.
Speaker B:It really bonds us together.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:So that is so powerful, Teresa.
Speaker A:So we have to remember that we have an enemy who hates us, who hates our marriage, because our marriage is a reminder of.
Speaker A:Of the glorious church, the bride of Christ and relationship of Christ and the church.
Speaker A:So when we pray together, but we pray for each other.
Speaker A:So when we take hands and we pray together, and I pray things over, Teresa, and I pray things very specific to her heart and the things that she's going through, and she does the same for me.
Speaker A:And we pray for each other.
Speaker A:And that's a powerful prayer, isn't it, Teresa?
Speaker A:When we pray for each other out loud together.
Speaker A:And it's just.
Speaker A:It's just a powerful way to seek God's guidance.
Speaker A:It really is.
Speaker A:And to receive strength.
Speaker A:And so a reminder, like you said last week, Teresa, this is the person God brought to you, that you prayed for for a spouse.
Speaker A:This is the person God brought to you.
Speaker A:And you received and you went.
Speaker A:You spoke vows together in front of your family, and you spoke vows to God together.
Speaker A:And you.
Speaker A:And we were united in holy matrimony.
Speaker A:And this is the person that God has given to you for your care.
Speaker A:And so remember, remember, your spouse has been given to you for you to take care of.
Speaker A:And that goes for men and women, wives, you are to take care of your husbands.
Speaker A:Husbands, you're to take care of your wives.
Speaker A:Learn your spouse's love languages.
Speaker A:Know what speaks to them.
Speaker A:Is it acts of kindness?
Speaker A:Is it gifts?
Speaker A:Is it touch?
Speaker A:Is it time?
Speaker B:Words of affirmation.
Speaker A:Words of affirmation.
Speaker A:Learn what your spouse's love language is and give them love every day.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I love that.
Speaker B:Praying for each other.
Speaker B:When you pray together, of course you seek God and ask for wisdom, but that really has ministered to my heart.
Speaker B:Whenever Jeff has prayed for me and, you know, I just hear the Father, you know, ministering to me in what he's praying for me, it's really, really Precious.
Speaker A:Another way we can be practical in our, in our forgiveness is practice self forgiveness.
Speaker A:Sometimes it's, you know, I can't believe I did that again.
Speaker A:You got to remember to forgive yourself for any mistakes that you might have made.
Speaker A:Self forgiveness is crucial for personal growth and maintaining a healthy relationship.
Speaker A:So you know, you have to, well, you repent, which means you.
Speaker A:We're going to go the other way.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:You know, so you know, let's say it's pornography and oh, forgive me, but if I don't make any changes, right?
Speaker A:If I don't change my thoughts then, then it's not going to stop.
Speaker A:Am I really right?
Speaker A:Did I really repent?
Speaker A:So our actions are really, they start with our thoughts.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:If I'm not thinking right, then my action, actions aren't going to be right.
Speaker A:If my thoughts are lustful and, and perverted, then it's going to lead to those actions.
Speaker A:But if I think what God says, God says I've been made to righteousness of God.
Speaker A:So that's why I need to be thinking about.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker A:And so that will, if I change my thoughts, place the thoughts, the ungodly thoughts with godly thoughts, which basically whatever God says is godly thoughts, then if we replace that, then my actions will follow my thoughts.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker B:That is so powerful.
Speaker A:But if I'm doing that, then I need to forgive myself.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:You really have to go through a change of identity is what you're talking about.
Speaker B:You know, people identify with themselves as I just, I need this all the time.
Speaker B:This is, this is me.
Speaker B:This is how I do things.
Speaker B:This is what I want.
Speaker B:They haven't really changed directions.
Speaker B:So that's that repentance is the beginning.
Speaker B:And then they've got to start walking down a different path.
Speaker B:Like you said with totally getting your mind renewed on who you are, who God says you are and what he has given you.
Speaker B:That so much better, so much greater than any addictive habit, any addictive material, any substance.
Speaker B:What he has made available to us is so much greater and has none of the downside, none of the side effects and will not hurt your marriage, but actually help your marriage.
Speaker B:Because you're growing.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker B:In your faith, you're growing in your walk with God.
Speaker B:It is going to be a booster for your marriage.
Speaker B:So I love this.
Speaker B:This is about personal growth.
Speaker B:I mean, so many people are into that these days.
Speaker B:They don't realize you have to forgive yourself so you can start identifying and giving yourself a new identity.
Speaker B:And these are the choices that we need to make, no one else can do it for.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Your spouse can encourage you, but you really got to go through that total mind renewal just getting your identity right lined up with the word of God and who God says you are.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:No matter what the offense may be, the offense may be anger.
Speaker A:Defense can be a cruel tongue.
Speaker A:The defense can be just sarcasm, or it could just be neglect, or it can be defense.
Speaker A:I mean, there's a wide variety of offenses.
Speaker A:But, but to you combat that, but by, you know, you, by thinking and saying what God says about you.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And our last tip this week about how to walk in forgiveness, practical tips on how to walk in forgiveness is show acts of kindness.
Speaker A:Small acts of kindness and appreciation go a long way in rebuilding trust and demonstrating your commitment to relationship.
Speaker A:So, Teresa, we know that if there's been an erosion of trust, that trust is automatically just get built up, back up over time.
Speaker A:It takes actions.
Speaker A:It takes words and takes actions on your part.
Speaker A:And if you don't know what love languages are, search for the five love languages and they'll show you, they come to the website, you can even take a test and they'll show you what your strongest love languages are.
Speaker A:Mine are words of affirmation.
Speaker A:And Teresa, her love and language is acts of service.
Speaker A:So know what your spouse's love language is and speak that love language.
Speaker A:And to help build up that trust again between you, make them coffee, make them tea, fixture, fix his lunch, give her a foot rub, give her a back rub, give him a special night.
Speaker A:There's different acts of kindness you do for each other.
Speaker A:Hold hands, know, just snuggle, just, yeah, just do kind things to each other.
Speaker B:Speak kind words, be kind words, compliments, encouragement, say you did a great job.
Speaker B:You know, that's, that's, that's what we did when we were first married or even when we were dating.
Speaker B:That just helped the marriage, the relationship get strong and fulfilling and felt loved and you felt cared for.
Speaker B:That's, that's what you do as you go along in your marriage and this process of forgiveness that is so important, like you said, rebuilding trust.
Speaker B:Because a lot of people think, well, if you forgave me, you should just, you should just trust me now.
Speaker B:And I'm just full on, you know, in your life and we should just take up where we left off.
Speaker B:But it doesn't happen automatically like you said.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:That's so important because the heart, you know, once the heart has been injured, it does take time to build trust.
Speaker B:And you know, thank the Lord that he can work in our midst and heal those hurts.
Speaker B:I mean, we can't really heal ourselves.
Speaker B:We can't heal one another like the Lord can.
Speaker B:He has ability to.
Speaker B:To root out all the hurt and bitterness and.
Speaker B:And make you like new again, make your relationship, make your relationship.
Speaker B:It's amazing.
Speaker B:But we can do our part genuinely, you know, unselfishly show acts of kindness to our spouse to rebuild that trust without, like you said, I think you were mentioning this before, you know, we do these things without saying, you know, what's in it for me?
Speaker B:You got to do this back to me.
Speaker B:If I say I love you, you should say I love you back.
Speaker B:They may not be ready to do that.
Speaker B:They may not be ready to reciprocate the kindness that you're showing, but that's where that patience we talked about comes in.
Speaker B:You continue to love, you continue to be kind.
Speaker B:You continue to speak kind words, words that build up.
Speaker B:You know, we heard this verse recently.
Speaker B:I think it was something we were listening to.
Speaker B:You know, a foolish woman will tear down her own household with her own hands, but a wise woman builds up her house, and the same thing for a man.
Speaker B:You want to build your house with your words and with your actions and your attitudes.
Speaker B:You don't want to tear down, because tearing down is like we're saying, you have to go through this whole process of forgiveness.
Speaker B:Now, if you were in tearing down each other with hurtful words or anything like that, or just being unattentive to one another.
Speaker B:So this process is so important to start just paying attention to your spouse more.
Speaker B:Make them the most important person of your day before they leave the home or when they first come home.
Speaker B:It's so important.
Speaker B:Don't.
Speaker B:Don't let distractions and everything keep you from coming together, talking about your day, spending time together, those 30 minutes a day of good conversation, you know, get back to those things that, you know, helped your marriage.
Speaker A:Recent study that said most couples in America spend four minutes a day together.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:And so it's not much.
Speaker A:Sitting on the couch, watching.
Speaker A:Watching a movie or sitting on a couch looking at your phones doesn't count.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:We're talking about four minutes where you're interacting and talking together.
Speaker A:So most marriages, most couples in America, they spend four minutes actually talking to each other.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker A:Which it can happen if you let things get out of hand.
Speaker A:So you have to be intentional.
Speaker A:So one love language is time.
Speaker A:So if your spouse's love language is quality time, well, give them quality time.
Speaker A:Give them undivided attention.
Speaker A:Maybe watch their favorite movie with them.
Speaker A:It may be a shoot em up ladies, but watch their favorite movie with them.
Speaker A:Guys, it might be a Hallmark movie.
Speaker A:I know.
Speaker A:Spend time and you can get through it and watch.
Speaker A:Don't look at your phone, don't have your laptop out, don't have the iPad.
Speaker A:Sit there and watch it with your spouse.
Speaker A:So just whatever their love language is, speak their love language.
Speaker A:If it's touched, give her a foot rub or a shoulder rub.
Speaker A:Give him a back rub.
Speaker A:Just if it's what gives, have special snuggles.
Speaker A:Just snuggles.
Speaker A:So whatever it is, if it's acts of kindness, do some kind to them.
Speaker A:If it's words of affirmation, write them a letter or a note.
Speaker A:Write them a note.
Speaker B:Oh, yes.
Speaker A:So just there's different notes.
Speaker A:So there's different ways to show your spouse love and speak their love language.
Speaker A:Speak to them love.
Speaker A:But that's something we can all do.
Speaker A:But it's part of walking in forgiveness is acts of kindness.
Speaker A:And walking in forgiveness is about creating a supportive and loving environment where both partners feel valued and understood.
Speaker A:So it's really important for your spouse to feel valued.
Speaker A:It's really important for your spouse to feel understood.
Speaker A:So we talked about this about communication skills before.
Speaker A:When your spouse is telling you something and maybe it's something that's really weighty and really supportive, what you need to say back to them, this is what I heard.
Speaker A:And kind of reflect back to them what you think they said so that they know that you were listening.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And so it's really important to support your spouse so they need to feel valued and understood.
Speaker A:Oh, she's just being a woman.
Speaker A:Oh, he's just being a man.
Speaker A:You can't do that.
Speaker A:You really need to value your spouse.
Speaker A:You know, all men are not pigs.
Speaker A:I'm telling you, all things are not.
Speaker A:All men are not pigs.
Speaker A:They're not.
Speaker A:And all women don't have a sharp tongue.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So we need to value your.
Speaker A:Each other and we need to understand our spouses.
Speaker A:Right, Teresa?
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:I really like that.
Speaker B:I really like that.
Speaker B:You know, because if you have those mindsets like that judging your spouse throughout lens, like all men are this way, whatever it is about not being tidy or whatever, you know, they feel that if you're judging them through that lens, you know, you never do this, you know, we've talked about this, using those never and always.
Speaker B:You don't want to do that.
Speaker A:You never.
Speaker B:But if you're thinking it, it's going to come out of your mouth eventually.
Speaker B:So you got to stop that thought process and start thinking good thoughts about your spouse and saying good things.
Speaker B:You know, I sure love it when you do the laundry or do your own laundry.
Speaker B:You know, that's.
Speaker B:That's a blessing to me.
Speaker B:That's like an act of service.
Speaker B:Jeff does it.
Speaker A:Hey, guys, here's.
Speaker A:Here's a helpful tip.
Speaker A:Here's a helpful tip.
Speaker A:Here's a pro tip.
Speaker A:Your wife will never argue with you if you're doing the laundry or if you're washing dishes.
Speaker B:That's a bonus pro tip.
Speaker B:That is a bonus.
Speaker B:Really?
Speaker B:I love that.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:So it does create a loving environment and doing things for one another without being asked or doing things that need to be done instead of, well, I shouldn't have to take care of that.
Speaker B:The other person should take care of it.
Speaker B:You know, see it.
Speaker B:See things that need doing and go ahead and take care of them.
Speaker B:Especially if you've got kids and it's like constantly picking up after kids kind of environment.
Speaker B:You know, you want your home to be a nice place to come.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Enjoy.
Speaker B:And not just totally out of control all the time.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:So that's.
Speaker B:That's so important.
Speaker B:But really, that feeling valued and understood.
Speaker B:I know.
Speaker B:I was listening to a pastor talk about this.
Speaker B:It was actually on Instagram the other day, and he was talking how important it was for men to listen to their wives.
Speaker B:And I'm saying that as a wife, but Jeff already knows this.
Speaker B:If I need to talk to him about something, he's not going to say, oh, tell me later, you know, I gotta watch a football game.
Speaker B:You know, none of that.
Speaker B:Because if wives are not able to talk to their husbands about their concerns or even things that they're happy about or something good that happened that day, you know, they're not going to keep coming to their husbands after a while.
Speaker B:They're just gonna either keep it to themselves or take all of their, you know, intimate thoughts, their.
Speaker B:Their concerns, their cares, their, you know, victories and defeats, everything, they'll have to go to someone else because we have to talk.
Speaker B:We have to talk to somebody about what's going on, our feelings and our thoughts.
Speaker B:And if wives feel like they can come to their husbands and talk and they're being received, they're being listened to.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:You really do feel so much more valued.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's just.
Speaker B:That's super important for a wife to feel like I can express my thoughts.
Speaker B:And he doesn't think it's stupid.
Speaker B:I think I'm just being emotional.
Speaker B:If I'm expressing emotions, I'm really just.
Speaker B:I'm sharing myself.
Speaker B:This is not just to, you know, get something off my mind or, you know, that kind of thing.
Speaker B:I'm really sharing myself when I bring my thoughts and my feelings to my husband.
Speaker B:And that.
Speaker B:That's so nice, you know, And.
Speaker B:And if that hasn't been happening in your marriage, then that's where that forgiveness needs to be applied.
Speaker B:Wives, don't resent your husbands for that.
Speaker B:Take it to the Lord and pray for your husband.
Speaker B:And of course, as people are listening to this or they're getting counseling, they'll realize, husbands, you need to listen to your wives.
Speaker B:And wives, you know, don't judge your husband if he doesn't have a lot of words.
Speaker B:He may just say things in short sentences or a few words, but he is talking, so receive it gladly.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Be excited about it.
Speaker A:I'm not a long talker.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:I'm not very as verbal as.
Speaker A:As talented as Teresa is.
Speaker A:I'm more.
Speaker B:We just practice more from childhood, I.
Speaker A:Think more than I talk.
Speaker A:But forgiveness is a continuous process.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker A:But with patience and dedication, it can lead to a stronger and more resilient marriage.
Speaker A:We have three resources we want to mention.
Speaker A:Two.
Speaker A:Two of them we mentioned last week.
Speaker A:The power of forgiveness, keep your heart free by Joyce Meyer, the gift of forgiveness by Charles Stanley, and Choosing forgiveness by John and Paula Stanford.
Speaker A:Exciting news.
Speaker A:Catch our audio podcast on Apple podcasts, Spotify and Amazon podcasts.
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Speaker A:Play the Inspiring Marriages Podcast.
Speaker A:Join us wherever and however you prefer to.
Speaker A:Tune in this week's Friendship Builder.
Speaker A:So this week's Developing intimacy friendship builder is.
Speaker A:Read another chapter in your marriage book.
Speaker A:So last week, you should have began a marriage book together and just take turns either how you decide how to do it.
Speaker A:Our friends Trey and Lee Morgan over at the Stronger Marriage Podcast, they have a way where he'll take a blue pen and he'll mark a passage or a word, or she'll take a red pen and she'll mark a passage or word and then they talk about that chapter.
Speaker A:But you may just want to read aloud to each other.
Speaker A:It just.
Speaker A:Just however it works for you.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Or you may listen to it in the car.
Speaker A:So it just.
Speaker A:It's just different ways or you might want to listen to on your phone.
Speaker A:It's just different together.
Speaker A:It's just different ways to to do this.
Speaker A:There's no one way that's right, no one right way but doing in the way that you are talking about about the book.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Theresa?
Speaker A:So it's not, it's more than just reading that you need to talk about the book, what you read.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Because it will build your marriage.
Speaker B:You'll have new ideas, new insights and reading the experience.
Speaker B:And you know what?
Speaker B:Other people have already walked out and they've found out what works, what's successful.
Speaker B:That that's very helpful.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So this week, read another chapter in your marriage book.
Speaker B:Stay connected with us across all platforms.
Speaker B:Join our vibrant community on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube.
Speaker B:Make sure to like, follow and subscribe for the latest updates and behind the scenes moments.
Speaker A:Got something on your mind?
Speaker A:Shoot us an email@inspiringmarriagest.net we're all ears for your questions or suggestions on how to enhance our podcast.
Speaker A:And if you have any ideas on topics you'd love us to dive into next, let's keep the conversation going.
Speaker A:We want to thank everyone for tuning in.
Speaker A:Next week we're going to start talking about the role of humility in a healthy marriage.
Speaker A:So forgiveness is a journey, not a destination.
Speaker A:By demonstrating selfless love through forgiveness, we can build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.
Speaker A:Please hit the subscribe button and check out some of our other videos.
Speaker A:And remember, husband and wife are friends for life.
