This is What is Killing Your Intimacy.. DO This!
Is your intimacy feeling more like a distant memory than a cozy blanket? Well, strap in, because we’ve got some fantastic tips to help you spice things up! We’re Jeff and Teresa Fields, married for 33 years, and we’re all about keeping that connection strong. One major intimacy killer we dive into is emotional distance—yep, that silent treatment isn’t doing anyone any favors! We’ll chat about the importance of honest communication, resolving conflicts without drama, and why vulnerability is key to your love life. So grab your earbuds and let’s get those sparks flying again!
Ever felt like your marriage could use a little spice? Jeff and Teresa Fields dive into the nitty-gritty of intimacy, sharing some super practical tips to help couples bridge the emotional distance that often creeps in. With over three decades of experience under their belts, they know a thing or two about keeping the flames alive. They kick things off by discussing how most couples barely spend any real time talking—like, four minutes a week! It’s time to flip that script and boost those conversation counts. Jeff and Teresa stress the importance of honest chats about everything from your day to your feelings. They share funny anecdotes about couples glued to their phones at restaurants, missing out on real connection. They also tackle the biggie: if you’re more comfortable sharing your feelings with a coworker than your spouse, Houston, we have a problem! Tune in for a friendly yet insightful discussion filled with humor, relatable stories, and actionable advice to ensure your marriage flourishes instead of flounders.
In this episode, intimacy issues take center stage as Jeff and Teresa shine a light on five major intimacy killers in marriage. They explore emotional distance—how silence can be a sneaky enemy—and the necessity of effective conflict resolution. With a witty banter that keeps things light, they remind listeners that it’s all about making your spouse feel like they can share anything without fear of judgment. We also dig into the fear of vulnerability, revealing how vital it is to communicate deeply and honestly. Jeff and Teresa challenge outdated expectations surrounding marriage, urging listeners to set realistic goals and communicate openly about what they want. They wrap up with some heartwarming reminders to express gratitude and appreciate each other—because who doesn’t love a heartfelt thank you? This episode is packed with wisdom, humor, and a pinch of sass to keep things engaging while navigating the sometimes rocky terrain of marital intimacy.
What’s up, lovebirds? Jeff and Teresa are back at it, and this time they’re on a mission to tackle intimacy in marriage like pros. They kick things off with a bold question: Are you and your partner as close as you want to be? If not, don’t fret! They’ve got a treasure trove of tips that’ll have you chatting more and scrolling less. They dive deep into the idea that emotional distance is the real intimacy killer, with Jeff sharing some jaw-dropping stats about how little couples communicate these days. They dissect the art of conflict resolution, emphasizing that name-calling and judgment have no place in a healthy marriage. Listeners will find themselves nodding along as they relate to the struggles of expressing vulnerability and the importance of creating a safe space for sharing. From tackling unrealistic expectations to avoiding the dreaded ‘taking each other for granted’ phase, this episode is like a friendly pep talk for your relationship. So grab your partner, tune in, and get ready to ignite that spark again!
Takeaways:
- Emotional distance is like the grim reaper of intimacy in marriages; talk more!
- Did you know the average couple spends just four minutes a week chatting? Yikes!
- Fear of vulnerability is a total intimacy killer; share your feelings, folks!
- Unrealistic expectations come from fairy tales, not real life; communicate clearly!
- Taking each other for granted is a slippery slope; gratitude goes a long way!
- Active listening is crucial; it’s about hearing, not just waiting to talk!
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Hey, guys, Is your intimacy at the level that you want it to be in your marriage?
Speaker A:If not, stay tuned, because we have some great tips on how to enrich your intimacy.
Speaker A:This is Jeff and Teresa Fields, and We've been married 33 years.
Speaker A:Put down in the comments how long you've been married.
Speaker A:It would be years or months or.
Speaker A:Or if you're dating, if you're engaged, or if you're still looking, just let us know where you are.
Speaker A:Now, the number one thing we found that is killing intimacy in marriage is emotional distance.
Speaker A:So so many couples are.
Speaker A:There's too much silence between the spouses.
Speaker A:There's not enough communication.
Speaker A:And what you need to do is have honest, open communication.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:Yes, that's right.
Speaker A:So the average couple in America, I saw a study, said they spent four minutes a week talking.
Speaker A:Now, we're not talking about sitting on the couch and watching TV together.
Speaker A:We're not talking about sitting on the couch, doing this together or doing it separately.
Speaker A:We're not talking about going to bed and you scroll until you fall asleep.
Speaker A:When I'm talking about that, that doesn't count.
Speaker A:We're talking about talking, talking, talking.
Speaker A:Aren't we, Theresa?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Open and honest communication where you're really sharing about your day, sharing about things that were good, things that were not so good, you know, for women.
Speaker B:We like to hear about feelings.
Speaker B:You know, husband, tell me how you felt about what happened at work.
Speaker B:That really helps us understand where you are and.
Speaker B:And, you know, what your mental state is when you come home.
Speaker B:Sometimes people are really stressed out or they're frustrated over something that happen, and we need to communicate about that because if not, there is distance.
Speaker B:You don't really understand how to connect when you get to spend time together.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And we've seen this everywhere.
Speaker A:We see.
Speaker A:We go to restaurants and we see.
Speaker B:Couples sitting there, both on their phones.
Speaker A:Both on their phones.
Speaker B:No talking.
Speaker A:There's no talking.
Speaker A:They eat as fast as they can.
Speaker A:We see so many people come in after we've been seated.
Speaker A:We'll see them come in, we'll see them order, we'll see them eat, and we'll see them leave.
Speaker A:And we're just sitting there talking.
Speaker B:We're just talking and enjoying the time.
Speaker B:And they haven't said anything to each other except, you know, hey, look what you got.
Speaker B:And here's what I got.
Speaker B:You know, that.
Speaker A:You know, so this.
Speaker A:It can be an intimacy killer.
Speaker A:Yeah, it really can.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:And if you feel like you're you have, you're.
Speaker A:You have more freedom to vent to a co worker than your spouse.
Speaker A:That's something.
Speaker A:Something's wrong.
Speaker A:If you're sharing.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Innermost feelings to a co worker, then that's.
Speaker A:That's out of balance.
Speaker A:So your marriage has to be a safe place where your spouse can come to you about anything and say anything without fear of being judged right or rejected.
Speaker A:Number two, intimacy killer in marriage is negative conflict resolution.
Speaker A:Couples are not able to resolve conflicts, and this goes along with number one, where your marriage has to be a place where you are free to talk to your spouse about anything, to bring up anything while being ridiculed or embarrassed.
Speaker B:Mm.
Speaker A:Or pushed away.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:So you can't get into name calling.
Speaker B:If there's been name calling, if there's been accusation, if there's been any judgmental kind of things you're throwing out or just an attitude of, well, I wouldn't have done that.
Speaker B:You know, I can't believe, you know, if you have that kind of tone, that kind of attitude, it is going to shut down communication and it's going to be an intimacy killer.
Speaker B:There won't be any emotional intimacy or mental intimacy.
Speaker B:You can't talk to someone who's already prejudging what you've done or what you're going to say.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Let me remind the guys again.
Speaker A:Your wife needs to feel close to you.
Speaker A:She needs to be close to you emotionally to open up to you physically.
Speaker A:And, ladies, your husband needs to feel close to you physically to open up to you emotionally.
Speaker A:Now remember, your spouse is your best friend.
Speaker A:This is the person you prayed for.
Speaker A:This is the person that God brought into your life.
Speaker A:This is the person God has united in holy matrimony.
Speaker A:Don't push them away.
Speaker A:No pouting.
Speaker B:That's right, no pouting.
Speaker B:No cold shoulder.
Speaker A:No silent treatment, please.
Speaker A:No silent treatment.
Speaker A:You got to be able to never say you never or you always and always practice active listening where your spouse has come to you about something, maybe saying, I feel.
Speaker A:I feel neglected.
Speaker A:I feel like you put the kids and your work and everything else above me.
Speaker A:Or I even feel like you put your volunteer work above me, and I feel neglected.
Speaker A:He needs to be able to come to you and say that to you without being ridiculed.
Speaker A:And husbands, your wife may feel like she's second banana, that golf is more important or that football game is more important or some other activity is more important than she is.
Speaker A:She's got to be able to come to you and say that.
Speaker A:And for active listening, you actively listen and you can say, I heard you say this and then you repeat it to, to them.
Speaker A:Oh, I feel like you have not been getting enough attention.
Speaker A:I understand that.
Speaker A:Let's do as, let's do something about that.
Speaker A:Let's provide a solution to the problem.
Speaker A:It's not a venting session, but there is a solution to every problem.
Speaker A:There really is.
Speaker A:Isn't that right, Theresa?
Speaker B:Yes, that's right.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:Now if you would like our free PDF on friendship Builders, drop in the word friendship in the comments and we will email you that free resource.
Speaker A:It's a list of friendship builders for marriage.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:It gets you thinking on the positive side of things instead of what you might be doing wrong.
Speaker B:Well, here are some solutions here, fresh ideas to help you do that.
Speaker A:Build your friendship.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Number three, the third thing that is killing intimacy in marriage is the fear of vulnerability.
Speaker A:There's just surface level details being shared.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:There is not enough open and honest communication.
Speaker A:Isn't that right?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:I mean your spouse needs to know about everything that's going on with your mind, your heart, your feelings, you know, people you've been dealing with.
Speaker B:And if you just want to say, yeah, it was fine, my day was fine, kids are okay, you know, as far as like the wife is saying, you know, the husband needs to know more than that, especially if you seem to be out of sorts when he comes home, he needs to know, okay, what's the story, what's going on, what made you upset and are you hurt about something?
Speaker B:Are you angry?
Speaker B:You know that that can be shared with your spouse.
Speaker B:If you are learning to develop this kind of communication and of course stay away from the things we just talked about in point number two.
Speaker B:But absolutely right.
Speaker A:But it's also important spouses, if your, if your spouse shares something with you, you do not share that on social media.
Speaker A:You don't tell your girlfriends, is something sacred that they have shared with you and you don't need to bring it up.
Speaker A:As for prayer for your husband, my husband's suffering, he's dealing with pornography.
Speaker A:Please pray for him.
Speaker B:Don't want to do that.
Speaker A:Don't do that.
Speaker A:Your ladies, your husband needs to be able to come with you.
Speaker A:Anything.
Speaker A:And pornography is something every man has to battle against.
Speaker A:And unfortunately a lot of ladies now have to.
Speaker A:It's a battle in the ladies minds.
Speaker A:It's a bombardment of the enemy against the females also.
Speaker A:And so whatever it is, whether it's overeating, whether it's a lustful thought, whether it's feeling depressed, I'm sad.
Speaker A:No, I shouldn't be sad, but I'm sad.
Speaker A:They need to be able to come to you and say, I'm sad.
Speaker A:I don't know why I'm sad, but I just feel sad.
Speaker A:And she need to look, work on that together.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Because it is going to affect your relationship, whether it's spoken or unspoken.
Speaker B:But if you share this with each other, then you can deal with it together.
Speaker A:You deal with together.
Speaker A:One thing you need to do is pray with and for each other.
Speaker A:And it doesn't have to be a long elaborate thing.
Speaker A:That is just the best prayer you've ever heard, but it needs to be from the heart.
Speaker A:When your husband comes to you and he tells you, you, he reveals something that he's dealing with.
Speaker A:He's heard about something.
Speaker A:Husbands, your wife comes to you and she's dealing with something.
Speaker A:She's not feeling pretty.
Speaker A:Maybe she's got body images that left over.
Speaker A:Maybe her father was critical of.
Speaker A:Of her skin or just of her weight.
Speaker A:And now she just feels just have a poor image of herself.
Speaker A:You just pray over her and just speak.
Speaker A:Speak life to her.
Speaker A:Speak life to him.
Speaker A:Tell him how much you, you love him, how much you cherish him, how much you.
Speaker A:You respect him.
Speaker A:Tell her how beautiful she is and just really just be kind to each other and pray over each other and pray for each other and pray over each other out loud so the other one can hear.
Speaker A:And just.
Speaker A:That is something we do to combat the fear of vulnerability.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:The fourth thing that's killing intimacy in marriage is unrealistic expectations.
Speaker A:There's so many images of marriage that have been bombarded especially against little girls since they.
Speaker A:They've been little girls.
Speaker A:About this shining night coming on the stallion to take her away and take her from all her troubles.
Speaker B:And he is supposed to problems after that.
Speaker A:He supposed to understand women and understand, you know, how to talk and how to deal with it.
Speaker A:And it's not realistic.
Speaker B:No, no.
Speaker A:Husbands, your wife is not a mind reader.
Speaker A:Wives, your husband is not a mind reader.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:They don't know what you don't share.
Speaker A:So you have to make room.
Speaker A:You have to make room for imperfections.
Speaker A:Right, Teresa?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:You have to be able to talk and this to combat this.
Speaker A:You talk, you talk.
Speaker A:Hey, I expected this and you did this well, he.
Speaker A:Did he know you expected that or he should have known?
Speaker A:Well, no, sometimes guys don't know.
Speaker B:Yeah, you might be thinking about your friends and their marriage and what they've been talking about or going through, but that doesn't mean your spouse expects the same thing happening in your marriage.
Speaker B:A lot of times we tend to look at other people and say, well, we should be like them.
Speaker B:But that's.
Speaker B:That's unrealistic.
Speaker B:You know, you have to talk about what your own expectations are so your spouse will know.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:They're not just going to say, oh, you watched that Hallmark movie, so you think our relationship is going to be like this?
Speaker B:You have to talk about these things.
Speaker A:You have to talk about.
Speaker A:You have to talk about your expectations and what you're expecting.
Speaker A:And it's okay to tell your spouse, hey, buy me this for my birthday.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's okay.
Speaker B:I would like this for my birthday.
Speaker A:I like this for my birthday.
Speaker A:He goes, gotcha.
Speaker A:Now, I know he's supposed to know that you like that purple scarf that you glanced at in the wind.
Speaker A:We walking through JCPenney's.
Speaker A:He's supposed to know.
Speaker A:He's gonna go back and get that.
Speaker A:No, he doesn't.
Speaker B:He wouldn't know.
Speaker A:He wouldn't know, so.
Speaker A:Oh, she should know that.
Speaker A:It's been so long since we've been together.
Speaker A:She knows I'm.
Speaker A:I'm expecting an intimate night.
Speaker A:Say it out loud and schedule it.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:It's unrealistic.
Speaker A:Expectations.
Speaker A:Talk about your expectations and have realistic expectations.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Have realistic based on the conversations you both have.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:It prevents a lot of resentment and a lot of hurt.
Speaker A:The fifth thing that's killing intimacy in marriage is taking each other for granted is you going through the motions of your marriage.
Speaker A:You know, you get up, one of you gets the kids ready for school, one of you does something, you got.
Speaker A:You got.
Speaker A:You have your roles mapped out.
Speaker A:Mapped out.
Speaker A:And you do what's best for you.
Speaker A:And you.
Speaker A:Someone takes them to school, someone picks them up, someone fixes dinner, someone cleans up, someone takes care of the yard.
Speaker A:And you got all of these things that is just.
Speaker A:You do.
Speaker A:Someone's going to the grocery store, someone's going to hardware store, and you're doing all these things, and you're taking each other for granted.
Speaker A:You got to say, thank you.
Speaker A:Say thank you, husbands and your wife makes your lunch.
Speaker A:Say thank you when she makes you a dinner.
Speaker A:Say thank you when she's taking the kids to school.
Speaker A:Say thank you.
Speaker A:When he does yard work, say thank you.
Speaker A:When he puts a kiss to bed, say thank you.
Speaker A:When he does the dishes, say thank you.
Speaker A:When someone does the laundry, say thank you.
Speaker A:When someone makes the bed, say thank you.
Speaker A:Say thank you.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:And those little notes we talk, we talk about in previous episodes, write little notes to each other and just share the things that you appreciate about them that they're doing in your marriage and just talk to each other.
Speaker A:Express gratitude.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:And it can even be the qualities of your spouse, not, not just things that they do, like tasks or chores or things for the kids.
Speaker B:Qualities that you really love about them.
Speaker B:Kind of like what you loved about them when you first got to know each other, when you were dating or engaged or first married.
Speaker B:Bring that back, you know, keep refreshing that, that romance and that intimacy.
Speaker B:Like, I really love this about you.
Speaker B:Your kindness or how you look after the needs of other people and don't think about yourself.
Speaker B:You know, those are so important and it's so affirming.
Speaker A:It is.
Speaker A:It is so affirming.
Speaker A:So there's a way to fight all five intimacy killers in marriage.
Speaker A:You fight emotional distance by talking.
Speaker A:You fight negative conflict resolution by active listening.
Speaker A:You fight fear of vulnerability by praying for and over each other.
Speaker A:You fight unrealistic expectations by talking about your expectations.
Speaker A:And you take fight taking each other for granted by expressing gratitude and talking to each other.
Speaker A:Because we want your marriage to be lifted up.
Speaker A:We want your marriage to be fulfilling.
Speaker A:You want your marriage, your intimacy, your marriage to be at the highest level it's ever been in all areas spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically.
Speaker A:We want your marriage raised up and flourishing.
Speaker A:Flourishing.
Speaker A:We want your marriage flourishing.
Speaker A:Just again, we're Jeff and Teresa feels.
Speaker A:If you like the free PDF about friendship builders, just type in friendship in the comments and we'll be glad to send it to you.
Speaker A:Other than that, check out this video that we did before about intimacy, developing intimacy in marriage.
Speaker A:Check it out.
