Unlocking the Silence: How to Get Your Husband to Open Up
Let's dive into the juicy stuff! Today, we’re tackling the silent struggle in Christian marriage—specifically, why some husbands just don’t open up emotionally. We know it can feel like you’re chatting with a wall sometimes, but trust us, it’s not personal! We’ll chat about how upbringing and society can shape emotional habits and how patience, understanding, and a sprinkle of humor can help bridge that communication gap. Plus, we’ll share some fun tips on how to create an emotionally safe space for your husband to share his thoughts without feeling like he’s walking on eggshells. So, grab your favorite snack, kick back, and let’s get to the heart of the matter!
Navigating the emotional landscape of marriage can feel like wandering through a maze with a blindfold on—especially when it comes to Christian marriages. Jeff and Teresa Fields dive deep into this often-unspoken struggle. They take us on a journey through their 33 years of marriage, exploring the roots of emotional disconnect between husbands and wives. Jeff candidly shares that men are often raised to suppress their feelings, leading to what can feel like a communication chasm in relationships. Teresa, with her insightful perspective, emphasizes that understanding this difference is crucial. The couple discusses practical strategies for fostering emotional intimacy, like creating a space where husbands feel safe to express themselves. They also stress the importance of realistic expectations and patience, reminding us that good communication takes work and time. With witty banter and heartfelt wisdom, Jeff and Teresa encourage listeners to embrace the journey of discovery in their relationships, fostering deeper connections through understanding and love.
Takeaways:
- Understanding emotional intimacy is crucial for a thriving Christian marriage, as we learned today.
- Men and women communicate differently, so adjusting expectations can lead to better conversations.
- Creating a safe emotional space helps couples share feelings without fear of judgment or pressure.
- Expressing gratitude and appreciation can significantly strengthen the bond between husbands and wives.
- It's key for wives to ask for their husband's thoughts rather than feelings to enhance communication.
- Playing together can break down barriers and encourage men to open up about their feelings.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Welcome to the Inspiring Marriages podcast.
Speaker A:We are Jeff and Teresa Fields and we've been happily married for 33 years.
Speaker A:So we know the importance of emotional intimacy.
Speaker B:Along the way, we've been blessed with three incredible grown children, a fantastic son in law, and the most precious grandbaby you can imagine.
Speaker A:Get ready to be inspired as we open up about our journey.
Speaker A:Our mission is to ignite a spark in couples everywhere.
Speaker B:We are all about nurturing deep friendships and cultivating marriages that thrive in every way spiritually, emotionally, romantically and physically.
Speaker B:Join us on this incredible adventure.
Speaker A:So, Teresa, today we're going to talk about what if my husband doesn't open up to me emotionally?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That's, that's usually a big problem for wives.
Speaker B:I think they don't feel like their husbands are able to talk to them the way they would expect them to.
Speaker B:I mean, men are wired differently than women, aren't they, Jeff?
Speaker A:Completely.
Speaker B:Completely.
Speaker B:So we want to talk about feelings and, you know, what did that do for you?
Speaker B:Did it make your day and all of that kind of stuff.
Speaker B:And I think men think of things the same way.
Speaker B:They don't have the same kind of conversation, do they?
Speaker A:It's not, not even the same universe.
Speaker B:We're from different planets.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Different planets.
Speaker A:Go to our webpage inspiringmarriages.net there you can access all of our previous episodes, including all the show notes.
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Speaker A:Teresa, we're going to dive into why some.
Speaker A:It seems like some husbands, Christian husbands, don't open up into their wives as their wives expect them to.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Remember, one of the key points of a marriage is realistic expectations.
Speaker B:Oh, yes, yes, that's right.
Speaker A:So let's just get into this.
Speaker A:Why men shut down emotionally.
Speaker A:Why do you think some men have a hard time expressing their emotions to their wives?
Speaker B:Well, I know maybe not all little boys, but a lot of young boys, when they're growing up, they're told they're not supposed to cry.
Speaker B:They're told, you know, just to kind of push their feelings down, don't show their emotions.
Speaker B:And it may not be those words exactly, but they are made to feel like emotions make them look weak or wimpy or, you know, you're not going to grow up to be a man if, you know, you can't be manly if you're crying or if you're showing tenderness or, you know, there's so many.
Speaker B:And we know our society and movies and media, all kinds of things put this impression out that, you know, men just have to be strong and they can't show any emotion.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So don't take it personal.
Speaker A:Ladies, if, if you're a married Christian lady and you have a husband who doesn't really show a lot of emotion to you, doesn't share some, some of those things to you right now, don't take it personal.
Speaker A:Like Teresa said, it's, it could be the upbringing where they were told not to, not to do that.
Speaker A:Remember Ephesians 5:25.
Speaker A:Husbands love your wives.
Speaker A:Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Speaker A:So husbands, you, you're to love your wife unconditionally in love and kindness and forgiveness.
Speaker A:So that also means coming out of maybe some your comfort zone to meet a need of your wife.
Speaker A:One of your wife's major needs is open and honest communication.
Speaker A:And sometimes it's uncomfortable for, for a man to do that, but when he loves his wife, he's willing to take baby steps.
Speaker B:Yes, baby steps.
Speaker B:I like that.
Speaker A:Number two, what are some things not to do?
Speaker A:Things that backfire.
Speaker B:Oh, wow, these are good.
Speaker B:Well, wives should not be pushing their husbands or pressuring them.
Speaker B:And you don't want to interrogate them.
Speaker B:Like, what do you think?
Speaker B:What do you want?
Speaker B:You know, how do you feel, you know, just going at them, you know, over and over or, you know, we can't expect him to process what we're saying or when something happens to process it and give us back the reaction or the response that a girlfriend would, would do.
Speaker B:That's just kind of ridiculous.
Speaker B:They're not our girlfriends.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So there has never been in a conversation in history world that went like this.
Speaker A:Hey Bob, how was your weekend?
Speaker A:What you do?
Speaker A:I went fishing, caught some fish.
Speaker A:How'd that make you feel?
Speaker A:That is never the follow up to a conversation between men.
Speaker A:It's more like what you catch, how'd you catch it?
Speaker A:You know, what bait did you use?
Speaker A:You know, it's more of the techniques.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Technical things, technical details.
Speaker A:It's not really about how do you feel about catching fish or not catching fish.
Speaker A:Is this not expressed or asked for?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You don't, you don't communicate that way.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So this is, this is learning how to communicate the way it helps your spouse to respond.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Ladies, your husband loves you and he wants to communicate with you.
Speaker A:It just be a different way than you may expect.
Speaker A:But Colossians 3:19 tells the husband, husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with her.
Speaker A:So it calls for patience and understanding, but he will grow and he will learn how to communicate to you the way that he can.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And it would help if he said, you know, I don't like the way you're asking me that or something where he could let the wife know I don't know how to respond to what you're saying or what you're asking me.
Speaker B:And, and that's part of honest communication that you can let them know.
Speaker B:This is.
Speaker B:This doesn't help me give you a response.
Speaker B:I don't know what you want, you know, and we just have to be honest with each other and not get offended if we haven't been communicating the way our spouse can hear and respond.
Speaker B:You know, we've got to change our words, change our approaches to, to these topics that we want to talk about.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So if you would like a free PDF of ways to build friendship and marriage, just drop us the email@inspiringmarriagest.net and you will ask for Friendship the Friendship Builders and we'll send you that PDF.
Speaker A:Theresa, let's talk about the small shift that changed everything.
Speaker A:How did you learn to approach me?
Speaker A:What did you do?
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:I know it took a while for you to open up about feelings and thoughts and things like that.
Speaker B:It wasn't what you were used to talking about.
Speaker B:I think I just gave you the impression that I just want to get to know you better because we didn't learn everything about each other when we were friends or when we were in having our courtship phase before getting married.
Speaker B:So I think I just had to learn to spend time with you and talk with you and listen to you.
Speaker B:If you started to tell me something and show interest, you know, so you could tell me more if you wanted to.
Speaker B:It's not like asking 100 questions.
Speaker B:It's really just like showing interest in what you want to talk about.
Speaker B:And then eventually you learn to be interested in what I wanted to talk about is to.
Speaker B:It's kind of give and take.
Speaker B:We have to be, like you said, patient with each other.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I think you did a great job of creating an emotional safe place that, where you weren't forcing me to share something I was uncomfortable sharing.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Or didn't know how to.
Speaker A:Sometimes it's just I just don't know how to express it in words.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:It's not how I process things and via emotions, I don't process things that way.
Speaker A:It's more like facts rather than the feelings of it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So if I could tell something was bothering you, I just had to ask Questions about it in the right way.
Speaker B:I couldn't ask you what are you feeling?
Speaker B:I could tell you were either kind of downcast or you don't really get irritable or angry that much.
Speaker B:But just tell something was bothering you, you really had it on your mind and you know, can you tell me what's bothering you?
Speaker B:You know, just come out and ask.
Speaker B:That way, instead of what are you feeling wise?
Speaker A:Let me share something that may, may help you.
Speaker A:Whenever your husband shares something that is emotionally private, that's between you, between you two, it's not.
Speaker A:You need to guard that.
Speaker A:Whatever he shares with you, guard that with the same rigor and carefulness as if.
Speaker A:As you would share your intimate moments.
Speaker A:So if you, if he shares something with you, say he shares something, some feelings with you, and then you told your parents or you told your sisters, or you told your girlfriend or your best friend, it would, It'll be as devastating to him as if your husband shared intimate photos of you with the outside world.
Speaker A:That's how devastating it would be.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker A:How it'd be if it would feel like a violation.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:That's so important for ladies to know because not being a man, we have no idea that that is so private and so deep for a man, for his heart and for his mind.
Speaker B:But that's.
Speaker B:That is true.
Speaker B:I mean, you do feel violated.
Speaker B:You feel like you've been uncovered in, in the public.
Speaker B:And that would be.
Speaker B:Yeah, like you said, the same as sharing something like an intimate photo of your wife with the public eye, putting it on social media.
Speaker B:And your ladies definitely do not post things you and husband talk about in private on social media.
Speaker B:That is really just a violation of protecting your relationship, protecting his heart and your marriage in general.
Speaker B:He would feel betrayed, I'm sure.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:That was true.
Speaker B:Be like a betrayal.
Speaker A:First.
Speaker A:Peter 3:7 tells us husbands in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect.
Speaker A:As to weaker partner and heirs with you of the gracious gift of life so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Speaker A:And we know that word weaker partner means delicate.
Speaker A:Just like a.
Speaker A:Your crystal glassware is delicate.
Speaker A:It doesn't mean it's less valuable.
Speaker A:Actually, it's more valuable.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:More valuable.
Speaker A:Don't.
Speaker A:Don't treat that weaker partner as a.
Speaker A:Some type of put down.
Speaker B:It's not so all of this that we're talking about, like you said, if we respect one another, not just husband respecting the wife and especially the wife respecting her husband and his thoughts and feelings that are shared.
Speaker B:We want to keep that protected.
Speaker B:And it will not hinder our prayer life.
Speaker B:But if we're revealing these things to other relationships, other people and the outside world and not protecting our marriage, not guarding that beautiful intimacy that's there emotionally and mentally and physically, every way, spiritually, then our prayers are going to be hindered.
Speaker B:There's going to be hurt there.
Speaker B:There's going to be walls going up.
Speaker B:And we don't want to hinder our prayers.
Speaker B:We don't want to hinder our relationship with God and God answering our prayers and what we pray together.
Speaker A:Now we want to talk about how to create emotional safety over time.
Speaker A:The key actions are being consistent, non judgmental, and being present.
Speaker B:Mm, I like that.
Speaker B:Yeah, the consistency is so good in communication where you know what to expect from each other.
Speaker B:You know, when he first comes home, that's not the time to start throwing a lot of questions at him.
Speaker B:It's time to greet him, be glad to see him.
Speaker B:We've talked about this on podcasts before.
Speaker B:You know, you don't want the dog to outdo you and being happy to see your husband when he comes home or the kids to outdo you.
Speaker B:You know, and of course, being non judgmental is so important.
Speaker B:If he shares something, don't just knock it down, you know, and deflate him and say, well, I wouldn't do that, or I wouldn't feel that way, or I don't get that.
Speaker B:You know, just listen and say, yes, okay, I hear you.
Speaker B:I'll think about that.
Speaker B:I understand.
Speaker B:You know, we don't have to give an assessment of if it's good or bad or if you like it or you don't like it.
Speaker B:And I like being present.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:Sometimes just being together speaks a lot more than using a lot of words.
Speaker B:And I think that's something that we kind of lose these days in marriage when everybody's so busy we forget to just spend time together.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I just love just to sit with you and just, just be with you, just share time with you.
Speaker A:That's just so precious to me.
Speaker A:One thing a wife can do to really help her husband is to genuinely express thank yous.
Speaker A:The word thank you has the same effect on a man as the words I love you has on a woman.
Speaker A:So it really, really builds up a husband, husband number one need, remember is honor and respect.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:For his wife to express gratitude and for the things he does and expresses those, it just makes him feel good.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Always build up your husband, always encourage him and show him that you appreciate things that he does.
Speaker A:The third thing, wives, you can show your husband physical affection.
Speaker A:Hold his hand, rub his arm when he's driving, you know, just, just touch his hair, stroke his cheek, just be physically affect, affectionate.
Speaker A:Oh yes, that really helps.
Speaker A:It helps him out.
Speaker A:Physical affection really ministers to a husband.
Speaker B:Yes, it does.
Speaker B:And I like this next one.
Speaker B:Our fourth point is to ask for his thoughts, not his feelings.
Speaker B:We're so feeling oriented as women.
Speaker B:We're, we're processing everything according to how it makes us feel or how someone else felt about it or what we want to feel about something.
Speaker B:But men are not living by their feelings that way.
Speaker B:So we need to ask, what did you think about this?
Speaker B:Or do you like this?
Speaker B:Is this, is this okay or is this not okay?
Speaker B:Would you do this this way?
Speaker B:You know, just let him express thoughts to you and ask what he thinks about things.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And this fifth one, it goes along with a man's fourth major need is play games together.
Speaker A:A man will never be more open to you than when he's having fun.
Speaker A:So whatever that is.
Speaker A:And every, every person is different.
Speaker A:Every couple is different.
Speaker A:Let's try to go through the list.
Speaker A:Something outside, biking, fishing as something or could be something inside playing board games or it can be just something fun.
Speaker A:Whatever you do to putt putt go or golf or tennis or pickleball or whatever it is, Walking together, whatever it is, do things together, play games together.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:It does help a man to feel just comfortable enough with you to open up more.
Speaker B:And you know, like I said, you won't have to ask a lot of things.
Speaker B:He'll just be ready to talk about some things because you're connecting in a different way.
Speaker B:And that, that's just a non threatening environment, isn't it?
Speaker B:You just, you're just thinking about having fun and you just start talking about life, talking about things, maybe talk about what you want to do in your marriage or down the road.
Speaker B:And it's really good.
Speaker B:It's such a neat way that men are wired the way that your mind works.
Speaker B:And that's wonderful because it helps us as wives to know these things, that this is what will create the right atmosphere for your husband to talk and share things with you.
Speaker A:First.
Speaker A:Thessalonians 5:11 says, Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up.
Speaker A:Just as, as in fact you are doing.
Speaker A:So just take, do activities where you just build each other up.
Speaker B:That's, that's so important.
Speaker B:Just.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like when you're having dinner, just.
Speaker B:Just talk about what you appreciate about each other and something that happened that day that made you think of that.
Speaker B:Your spouse, you know, oh, I heard this on the radio and I thought about you and how much you like this song or, you know, that's just so sweet.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And it just makes your time together so rich.
Speaker B:And like you said, spend time saying thank you to your husband and saying thank you for making your own lunch this morning or thank you for taking out the garbage before you went to work.
Speaker B:That's important.
Speaker B:Even though they might seem like little things, that's where you can use these tools so well, is just in the everyday things and build up one another.
Speaker A:That's so good.
Speaker A:Now let's talk about what real connection looks like right now.
Speaker A:So I think there's more honesty, there's more emotional availability, and there's more trust.
Speaker A:It's just.
Speaker A:It just takes time.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:When we got married 33 years ago, I wasn't the person that I am now.
Speaker A:And you weren't the woman.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:As you are now.
Speaker A:So we had to learn how to interact with each other.
Speaker A:We had to learn to grow.
Speaker A:We had to learn what was important to the other person.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:I had to learn how to talk to you.
Speaker A:So I'm naturally a introvert.
Speaker A:I naturally don't.
Speaker A:Naturally, I don't talk a lot.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Boy, that has changed, hasn't it?
Speaker A:Talk a lot, but.
Speaker A:So I need.
Speaker A:I needed to learn that you need to hear from.
Speaker A:From me.
Speaker A:I need to hear my thoughts and my feelings.
Speaker A:So I had to learn how to meet that need of yours.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And when you have a safe place and you have a good environment to open up and talk about those things and share those things, it really makes all the difference.
Speaker B:So it's, it's.
Speaker B:It's a learning to trust each other in more and more areas of your relationship.
Speaker B:And you know, women love to think about relationship stuff.
Speaker B:So just learn that you need to earn his trust in some areas.
Speaker B:He's not going to be able to open up about his deepest needs or childhood hurts or things like that right away, most likely.
Speaker B:Unless you may have talked about those even before you got married.
Speaker B:Some people do, some men do.
Speaker B:But a lot of times that stuff you find out after you get married when he feels more comfortable opening as your relationship is growing closer.
Speaker B:And it really is learning trust.
Speaker B:And we may not get it right every time.
Speaker B:You know, I might not react the right way when he shares something.
Speaker B:But he knows me.
Speaker B:He knows I would not try to put him down or belittle something that he shares with me.
Speaker B:So if I don't respond the right way, he knows, you know, that.
Speaker B:That didn't come out right.
Speaker B:But hey, I know her.
Speaker B:She.
Speaker B:She loves me, she cares about me.
Speaker B:She's receiving what I'm saying, and we'll just talk about it again another time, you know, I might not be in the right frame of mind, you know, to hear something.
Speaker B:So, women, we have to be careful with our response because we don't want a husband to shut down again.
Speaker B:You know, when he finally shares something.
Speaker B:Don't respond like, well, it's about time.
Speaker B:You know, don't do anything sarcastic.
Speaker B:You know, don't do that at all.
Speaker B:You know, you got to put all of that, you know, before the Lord if you've been irritated about it or frustrated or you need to forgive your husband because he hasn't been sharing most intimate thoughts and feelings.
Speaker B:Be patient with him.
Speaker B:He needs to learn to open up to you.
Speaker B:And, you know, we.
Speaker B:We both have areas where we learn to open up to each other more and more, and that's why we're married.
Speaker B:So there is a covenant, there is a safe place, there's a foundation, there's God involved in what we're doing so that we can open up and, and share.
Speaker B:And we're not hurting one another in that process.
Speaker B:We're actually growing closer and helping each other.
Speaker A:That's so good.
Speaker A: Hebrews: Speaker A:So as husbands and wife interact, as they interact spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically, they spur each other on towards.
Speaker A:Because all towards it's all going towards love is all going towards growing closer and becoming more one and more intimate in all those areas, isn't it, Teresa?
Speaker B:That is so true.
Speaker B:And you become a power team.
Speaker B:You know, when God gives you an assignment to reach out to someone else, like helping in children's church or leading a Bible study or something, you have grown closer and you have so much trust and things that you shared between yourselves and in your marriage relationship that you, you almost know what each other is going to do if you take on a project or you.
Speaker B:You work on something together, it's like, wow, this is great.
Speaker B:Now we can step beyond ourselves and actually do something that helps somebody else.
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