Never Stop Pursuing: The Secret Sauce to a Thriving Marriage!

Welcome to the Inspiring Marriages podcast.

We are Jeff and Teresa Fields, and we are so excited to have you with us today.

Our mission here at Inspiring Marriages is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage that God has designed for them.

Teresa, Today we’re talking about never stop pursuing each other.

Right, Teresa?

Yes.

That’s so good.

One of the biggest mistakes married couples make is believing that the pursuit ends when the minister says, I now pronounce you man and wife and presents you to the.

To the congregant that those who are present and.

But healthy marriages continue to choose, pursue and cherish one another for a lifetime.

Right, Theresa?

That’s right.

That’s right.

You know, it’s really not the end of your journey when you have that wedding ceremony.

It is the beginning of your new life together.

And we’re encouraging you today to pursue each other even more than when you were dating.

I mean, you did things when you were dating that were so fun, and you made time for each other.

You planned how to spend time together.

And you can do all of those, those things now in your marriage and keep it rich and fun and enjoyable.

So today we’re going to begin talking about don’t stop dating your spouse.

Let’s get into it.

Never stop dating your spouse.

Let me ask you this one question.

When was the last time you intentionally pursued your spouse?

I’m not talking about paying the bills.

I’m not talking about picking up the groceries or asking what they want for dinner.

When was the last time you made your spouse feel like they were worth pursuing?

Before you were married, you planned dates.

You look for opportunities to be together.

You listened carefully, and you tried to make a good impression.

So what changed?

Somewhere along the way, many couples stopped pursuing the very person that they promised to spend a lifetime with.

We think that’s one of the biggest mistakes that married couples make.

The wedding wasn’t the finish line.

It was actually the starting line.

Today we want to show you that the best thing you can do for your marriage is to never stop dating your spouse.

Let’s dive in.

Point number one.

Pursuit shouldn’t end after I do.

Teresa we know that in Genesis, chapter two, Adam said, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined or glued or pursue his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

So this joining, this pursuing, Teresa, we believe that it never stops.

You never get to a point where you say, I’ve arrived.

We don’t need to do that anymore.

I don’t need to pursue my wife anymore.

I don’t need to pursue my husband anymore.

We don’t need any more connection.

That is ludicrous.

You’re just signaling a death toll to your marriage.

That really makes a marriage a lot less than what it should be.

There should always be a continuation of join.

Theresa said, the wedding day is not the finish.

Oh, there’s so much effort put into getting married.

Oh, if I could just get married.

If I could just get married.

And there’s so much effort and planning and to get ready for that one day, which is an important day.

But it’s not the most important day of your marriage, that once you get married, it’s like, now what?

Now the real work begins.

The wedding day is the starting line, not this line.

Yes.

There’s no coasting downhill.

Like, you don’t have to do anything anymore.

You’re not gonna be put on motor scooters and just ease on down the lane, are you?

No, not at all.

Like you said, the real work begins because you’ve got to build a life together.

You have to get to know your spouse in ways that you couldn’t get to know each other before you were married.

Marriage offers you an opportunity to be real, and you need to be able to feel safe with each other.

Guys, one of your wife’s major needs is honest and open communication.

It just doesn’t stop once you say, I do.

She still needs honest and open conversation.

Remember how much you talked when you’re dating?

Remember how much you talked.

You talked a lot.

And remember how good those days were.

There’s no reason for those days to stop.

Actually, they should not stop.

It should be a continuation of those great conversations.

Now you really dive into some really deep subjects, and you can take your time because you don’t have to finish a conversation on a single date.

These conversations can last for months.

And you can really dig deep and really come together in some really significant items.

Spiritual, intellectual, emotional.

So you can really create some really strong connection.

Like we said, we make the most of every moment.

So when there’s an opportunity to discuss something that you may not know about each other that well, then, like Jeff said, you can really have deep conversations, prayer times, and really explore some spiritual depths together and have a wonderful time together where you get to know each other in ways you have never known before.

And it’s supposed to get richer and better over the years.

Point number two, love requires intentional action.

Teresa.

There’s a law, a physical law.

Things will naturally trend to anarchy.

Things will naturally trend to Disorder.

Things don’t naturally trend to order.

They trend to disorder, just left to themselves.

Go buy a property that hasn’t been taken care of in months and you can see how overgrown it is and how nasty it looks.

Or a house that’s been abandoned for months and you just see how it looks rat infested and vines all over it and there’s mold.

It’s just terrible.

Same thing with a relationship.

If we’re not intentionally acting, our relationship goes more to disorder, not to order.

And like you said, it goes to towards neglect.

And if it’s not being cared for, if it’s not being attended to, if you and your spouse are not attending to each other, your relationship is going towards the course of neglect.

Instead of loving and being intentional and making the most of your time together and making the most of opportunities that you have.

That’s so true, Jeff.

And we don’t want to neglect our marriages.

Have you ever seen an episode of Hoarders or other type episode where they haven’t washed a dish in weeks or months?

And it’s just a nasty situation where.

Yeah, everywhere and trash everywhere and it’s infested and it’s just nasty.

It’s a mental disorder.

It’s not normal thinking.

That’s physical.

But you can’t do the same thing with your marriage.

You can’t emotionally let your marriage become neglected.

Have to see to each other’s needs.

Have to see to each other and take care of each other.

That’s so good.

And keep connecting.

It has to be intentional.

And it’s not always the Ruth Crisp Steakhouse.

No big, big giant steak dinners or seafood.

It’s not always the trips to Paris.

No, it’s the small, intentional things.

The thousands and thousands of small, intentional things really build a marriage.

Writing those notes is making the coffee, is fixing a meal.

It’s cleaning, picking up.

It’s doing all those thousands of thousands of things for each other.

That’s right.

That really builds that connection.

That’s so good.

Yeah.

It just makes me think daily, these little things, if they’re done daily, it’s not too much to do.

The Lord created your covenant marriage, and it’s not hard if you rely on him to help you attend to one another and be attentive to each other each and every day.

If you let a day or two go by without reaching out to each other, without asking each other how you’re doing or doing little things to show that you care, like all those things that Jeff mentioned, then it will start feeling like there’s neglect going on.

Each person will feel like there’s something’s wrong.

We’re just not loving toward each other.

It takes intentionality.

If you would like a free resource, go to our website, slash resources, and there you will see the full list of resources that we have available to you.

Click on one of those and get one of those for you today.

Point number three, Teresa.

Familiarity should deepen appreciation, not breed neglect.

Ephesians 5:25.

Paul told the husbands, husbands love your wife, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

So that is a commandment to for husbands to love their wife.

Sacrificially loving your wife without, it’s not a contract.

If I do this for you, you’ll do what’s in for me.

No, it’s a sacrificial love.

It’s a God type of love.

But you come familiar with someone and you get to know.

Teresa and I have been married for almost 35 years now, and we know a lot about each other.

We know about how the foods we like, the foods we don’t like, our sleeping patterns we know.

We just know our voice cadence.

We just.

There’s no other thing.

We know a lot about each other, but that shouldn’t fuel the collection.

That really should fuel appreciation.

Never stop being curious about your spouse.

Teresa and I, we’re not the same people we were 35 years ago.

So there’s always an opportunity to learn more about each other and to deepen that relationship.

When I think about where we were when we got married and we were each strong believers, we both loved the Lord, we both cared deeply for one another and knew that God brought us together to be married.

But when I think how we’ve grown mentally, emotionally, spiritually, we’ve grown so many ways since then, and we’ve gotten to share that journey.

But there’s still more to come.

We’re not done growing, we’re not done changing.

And God is making sure that we’re growing in Him.

We’re deepening our faith in him, and we’re also deepening our relationship with each other.

So we never stop.

It’s.

I think it’s a beautiful adventure, really.

Point number four.

Small daily acts communicate lasting love.

Jesus was speaking to the church of Revelations, chapter two, and he said, return to your first love.

Now, it doesn’t mean that I have to go by Teresa’s parents house and pick her up for a date, but it needs to be that you did at the beginning that really contributed to the love that you two have.

For each other and to the friendship that you have.

Go back and do those type of things.

Plan those dates.

Guys, you would spend a lot of time planning the date.

Ladies, you would spend a lot of time figuring out what dress you’re going to wear.

Would he like this?

Would he like that?

How should I have my hair?

How would he like my hair?

And you would think about that.

And he would think I should wear this shirt versus that shirt and which pants should I wear?

Should I take her here?

Should I take her there?

There was a lot of planning and there’s a lot of anticipation.

That’s right.

Go back and do the same things where you’re planning things together and planning intentional time together and have those small intentional acts of kindness every day.

The notes, the making a meal, the words of life, speaking words of life to each other, having five minutes of intentional conversation every single day, having a little bit of prayer time every single day.

Just go back to your first love and do those things to build up your marriage and really make those connections strong.

Here’s our challenge for you this week.

Do one intentional thing for your spouse that you used to do while you were dating.

And we’re so excited about brand new book, you’re not losing love, you’re losing time, which should be out soon.

It’s all about redeeming time in marriage.

It goes over all these principles that we’ve been talking about in these videos and we’re so excited to have that available soon.

Teresa.

The second segment is called how to keep falling in love with your spouse.

I love this because we know that if Ecclesiastes 9:9 tells us to enjoy life with this wife whom you love, it’s so important, Teresa, isn’t it, to keep falling in love with each other?

Yes.

Yes.

I mean, love is not just automatic.

It’s something that you cultivate in your marriage relationship.

It’s really, you know, not just pursuing each other, but really laying your lives down for each other and putting each other first and just making the most of your time together.

It should be a joyful time.

How to keep falling in love with your spouse.

Have you ever heard someone say, we just fell out of love?

Oh, no.

We don’t understand why people say that, but we don’t think that’s what actually happened.

Most people don’t fall out of love overnight.

They slowly fall out of habits that help them stay in love.

That’s right.

They became busy.

They stopped pursuing each other.

They stopped talking, they stopped laughing.

They stopped making time for each other.

That’s right.

So here’s the good news.

If love can grow cold through neglect, it can also grow stronger through intentionality.

Today we want to share with you four biblical habits that will help you keep falling in love with your spouse, even after years or decades of marriage.

Let’s dive in.

Point number one, we have to choose our spouse and each and every day.

That’s so good.

Teresa.

We know that Paul said in Ephesians 5:25, husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church.

Jesus Christ loved the church, sacrificially giving himself up for the bride of Christ.

And husbands, we’re called upon to do the same thing, to sacrifice our lives for our spouse.

So it’s something that we have to do every single day.

That’s right.

And wives have to choose their husbands every day.

This is the man I married.

This is the man I love.

This is the man I made promises and vows to before the Lord.

And I want to bless him every day.

Right.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 tells us, Enjoy life with a wife whom you love.

So marriage should be a life of joy, a joyful life, a life of laughter, a life of making new memories, a life of new adventures.

Always a life of discovering something new about your spouse.

But you need to choose your spouse every day.

This day I’m going to do something to serve Teresa.

And Teresa thinks this day I’m going to do something that serves Jeff.

That’s right.

It is something you have to choose every day.

Marriage is not the end line.

Marriage is the starting line.

And you still have to choose each other every day.

Exactly.

That’s so good.

Point number two.

You have to protect your time together.

We get it.

Life gets busy.

There’s a lot of things happening even in our lives.

There’s not a lot of downtime.

There’s always something going on and something to do.

There’s always something to do.

It’s always something to do around the house.

There’s always something to do outside the house.

It seems like there’s always something to do.

We get.

Life gets busy, but you have to protect your time together.

That time together has to be treated sacred.

Yeah.

This is not something that we’re going to compromise on.

This is a core belief that we have.

You have core beliefs that, no, this is the truth.

This is what we believe.

And your time together has to be one of your core beliefs.

We will not compromise on this point.

Our time together is sacred.

Teresa.

Yes.

That’s so good.

It’s just part of valuing your marriage and valuing the gift God gave you with your spouse.

You want to make sure that you have time together, that time together that nothing else can infringe on.

Nothing else can come in and interrupt that time.

We’ve talked about this before.

You set times where you can get devices out of the way, your kids are taken care of or you’re not stressed out from work.

You can settle down and talk and enjoy being together or do something fun together and make sure that you schedule time for each other every week.

And even good things can crowd out your time together.

It’s not necessarily evil things that’s crowding out your time.

There’s some good things that can crowd out your time, but you still have to protect that time.

Point number three, learn something new about each other.

Teresa and I have been married for 35 years and guess what?

I don’t know everything about her.

Guess what?

She doesn’t know everything about me.

So what we have for you is 100 conversation starters.

There’s going to be a link for it.

Down below in the comments is conversations that you can have with your spouse that will it’s not yes or no answers.

These are questions to spark conversation.

I guarantee you there’ll be questions on that list.

When you ask your spouse that question, you’re going to be surprised at the answer.

Grab that below.

But you have to always be curious about your spouse.

You always have to be asking them questions, asking them about things.

Talk about things when you see a movie, talk about it when you’ve read a book or reading the books.

Ask each other about the books you’re reading each other.

What has the Lord been showing you lately?

What has the Lord been speaking to your heart about this?

Keep that avenue open.

Keep asking each other questions which will invite a discussion.

Yes, that is so true.

You want to have discussions.

You want to keep having those conversations like Jeff said and keeping that communication open.

That’s so important.

We talk about that with parents and children.

But don’t forget, you really need to have conversation in your marriage because that’s how you stay unified with everything that’s going on in your lives.

You can stay on the same page as people have said.

And that’s super important because you can’t make progress together if you’re going in different directions or don’t know what each other’s thinking or does desiring or wanting to have in your marriage together.

So talking about things is so helpful and discovering new things like Jeff said.

I love that.

Point number four is celebrate the ordinary moments.

Not everything in Life is flashy.

Not everything in life is fireworks and sparkles.

No, some things are just quite ordinary and you need to celebrate those things.

Celebrate.

Just celebrate each other.

If you finish reading a book, celebrate that and talk about that book.

Teresa, what’s some things we can celebrate?

Wow.

I’m thinking about health milestones.

If you had a goal for reaching a certain health milestone, like changing your diet or losing some weight or working on strengthening yourself and you accomplish this many workouts or whatever, those things are important to encourage each other in and celebrate.

Because as we grow in our marriage, we’re also getting older, but we need to take good care of ourselves.

I think that’s important to encourage each other in those things.

Celebrate that you discovered something new about each other or you got to go someplace new and exciting together or just a fun thing you did together.

Wow.

We really need to do that more often and just enjoy that together.

Challenge number two this week is to schedule your next date before this podcast ends.

So get your phone out or do if you can, do a voice text where you are and just schedule your next date this week.

Scrambled eggs on Saturday, moonlight walk on Friday or afternoon drive on Sunday.

Something this week, schedule your next date before this podcast ends.

And if you would like any of our free resources, go over to inspiringmarriages.net resources and there is a list of all the free resources that we have.

You just click on one of them, you’ll get a link and you’ll be able to.

You get to have that resource for free.

So we talked about today.

We have to choose our spouse every single day.

You need to protect that time together.

Yes.

We need to learn something new about each other.

And we need to celebrate those ordinary moments.

And we’re so excited about brand new book.

You’re not losing love, you’re losing time when which should be out soon.

It’s all about redeeming time in marriage.

It goes over all these principles that we’ve been talking about in these videos, and we’re so excited to have that available soon.

Teresa, in this segment, we want to talk about how marriage doesn’t stay strong by accident.

That’s right.

We know that in science, nature tends to disorder, not to order.

So you’ve seen the houses where they’ve been neglected or abandoned, and you can see how quickly the yard gets overgrown, how the house becomes moldy, the roof caves in.

It happens very quickly.

The same thing can happen to a marriage when we neglect our marriage.

That’s right.

I mean, your communication can break down your Your feelings of love towards each other just seem to dissipate.

The joy that you had in your marriage, it’s like, where did that go?

There are signs of neglect when you don’t help your marriage stay strong and you don’t make intentional time for one another.

Marriage doesn’t stay strong by accident.

Can we ask you a simple question?

Do healthy marriages happen naturally?

Think about.

We don’t think they do.

In fact, after more than three decades of marriage and years of talking with couples, we’ve noticed something.

Strong marriages don’t happen by accident.

Neither do struggling marriages.

Every marriage is moving in a direction.

You’re either growing closer or growing apart.

The difference isn’t usually one major decision.

It’s the small choices you make every single day.

The encouraging news is that God has shown us how to build a marriage that continues growing stronger year after year.

Today we want to share four biblical habits that thriving couples practice intentionally.

Let’s dive in.

Habit number one, healthy marriages are intentional.

Teresa, we know that every day your life is full of choices.

There are choices, but you have to choose to serve your spouse.

That choice has to be intentional.

Every day you need to wake up and wonder and ask the Lord, how can I serve my spouse today?

How can I be a blessing to her?

How can I be a blessing to him?

How can I love my wife?

How can I honor my husband?

That’s right.

Paul told us in Ephesians 5:25, husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church, giving himself for her.

And he also said, wives, honor your husbands.

But each one of those is an intentional choice, isn’t it, Teresa?

That’s so good.

And I love that.

Like you said, asking the Lord, how can I serve my spouse, husband or wife?

How can I bless my spouse today?

How can I pray for my spouse?

That’s a really important element.

And that takes being intentional, not thinking about our own needs all the time.

Let’s put the needs of our spouse before our own.

Jeff said, Jesus did that all the time while he was on the earth.

He put the needs of others ahead of his own.

He sacrificed himself continuously and, of course, gave the ultimate sacrifice for us, the church, as his bride.

There’s a scientific principle where things will naturally trend towards disorder.

So that’s the same thing in marriages.

Marriages that are neglected will trend to disorder.

Where the signs of neglect are evident.

There’s distance, there’s silence.

There’s not the laughter anymore.

There’s not the closeness.

You can tell it, you can feel it.

Because couples are not intentionally making Choices every day to honor and to serve their spouses.

Habit number two, we have to continue encouraging each other.

So you need to know what’s going on with your spouse.

So it requires asking questions and listening.

What is going on?

What is on your heart?

What are your dreams?

What are your goals?

You need to encourage each other in them.

Maybe you, your spouse has a goal to learn a language.

Maybe your spouse has a health goal.

Encourage them in those goals.

Teresa.

So if you have a health goal, just cheer your spouse on.

Yay.

That’s five days in a row without sugar.

Yay.

That’s what a Dairy Queen and celebrate.

Yay.

No, don’t do that.

But you need to encourage each other and be their cheerleader and just encourage them and cheer them on and just help them any way you can.

Not be controlling men does.

Men don’t like control.

Men don’t like to be controlled, and women don’t like to be dictated to.

But we can be encouraging to each other and helping each other and supporting each other.

Teresa.

Yes, I like that.

Because what you’re saying is if you know what your spouse needs or what they’re desiring, what they’re trying to attain, then you can be their very best.

It should mean a lot to your spouse when you encourage them.

When you encourage your husband or you encourage your wife, that should just mean the world to them because God gave you each other as a gift to be a blessing to each other, to be a help to each other, and that’s the best thing you can do in marriage.

That doesn’t mean that.

Not like a drill instructor yelling at a recruit.

No, it’s just coming along together.

And just how iron sharpens iron.

Get together and you help each other and you support each other.

Yes, that’s good.

So we consider each other, and every day we take an intentional choice to love and support your spouse.

Point habit number three.

We must protect our friendship.

Now, when you were dating, you spent a lot of time building your friendship.

You did things that were fun, you talked a lot, you enjoyed each other’s company, you enjoyed your conversations, you planned your time together, you protected your friendship.

We have to do the same thing in marriage.

Your wedding day is not the finish line.

Starting line, that’s right.

And you start your journey out together.

You have to protect that friendship.

You can’t let life get so busy that you don’t have time for each other.

If you don’t have time.

That’s right.

For friendship.

You’re too busy, right?

Yes.

Your marriage really needs to be a priority.

And I know we’ve experienced this over all these years and we’ve shared it with other people.

The friendship is what helps us stay close.

It’s like the sustaining part of our marriage.

Feelings can go up and down.

You can have romantic.

Romantic inclinations one day and another day just like nothing.

But the friendship stays there and continues like a steadying influence that draws you to each other, keeps you interested in each other and enjoying each other’s company.

I just love that about our relationship.

That’s always been there since we first known each other, our friendship.

We’re so excited about our new book, you’re not Losing Love, you’re Losing Time.

It’s all about making the most of every moment in your marriage and should be out soon.

We’re so excited for you to get a copy of that.

Yes.

Point number four.

Habit number four.

Never stop growing together.

Never stop reading books.

Never stop reading scripture.

Never stop praying.

Never stop journaling.

Keep growing and keep growing.

Grow together.

That’s right.

Keep growing.

How you go together, you ask each other questions about what you’re learning as you’re growing.

Teresa may not like the same books that I like, but it doesn’t stop her from asking questions about those books.

I may not like the same movies that Teresa likes, but it doesn’t stop me from investing my time to enter into her world and to be curious about her life and why she likes these movies and ask her questions about these movies and to talk about them.

It really helps her enjoy those better, and it should be a better word than better.

It really helps her.

It really enhances the enjoyment of those items for Teresa.

So if you don’t know how to grow in your marriage, it’s really helpful to find good marriage teaching or good marriage books to go through together.

I know that we were really influenced by Jimmy and Karen Evans and their Marriage Today teachings that were on television and you could buy their DVDs.

And we were getting investing in their books and reading things together like that to help our marriage to grow.

Because really, it’s like, when you have your first baby, there’s no book to tell you how to deal with this new experience and raise this child.

And the same thing for marriage, like, where’s the guidebook?

We have the Bible.

But a lot of times there are people who have studied and done so much counseling and worked with couples.

They understand a lot of great things about marriage and also some things that you could really work on to have a good marriage.

And that’s what we did.

We said our marriage is okay, but we know it could be better.

And we really started investing in growing in together in our relationship Challenge number.

Three this week, ask your spouse, how can I pursue you better this month then listen without defending?

How can I pursue you better this month than listen without defending?

And we’re so excited about our new book coming out.

You’re not losing love, you’re losing time.

It’s all about redeeming time of your marriage, making the most of, of every moment in your marriage.

And that should be out soon.

And remember, God designed husband and wife.

To be friends for life.