Small Tweaks, Big Love: The Little Changes That Saved Our Marriage

The small changes that made the biggest difference in our marriage.

Hey, welcome to Inspiring Marriages podcast, where Jeff and Teresa Fields and our mission is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage that God has designed for them.

And today we just want to talk like you were sitting together.

We were sitting together around the table.

It just happened.

Tea or coffee or cheesecake or carrot cake or brownies or ice cream or something.

Or watermelon.

Yum, yum, yum.

Watermelon or.

Or melon.

We’re just.

We’re just enjoying peanuts.

We’re enjoying something.

And if you were to ask us after all these years of marriage, 35 years, what’s one intentional habit that made the biggest difference in keeping you close now, I don’t think we would point to something that was huge.

No, Teresa.

No, I don’t think so.

It’s just been a lot of little adjustments, right?

It really has been.

Yes.

So in this week on our Redeemed time series on YouTube and here on this podcast, we’re talking about adjustment.

Week one was about awareness, awareness.

And the second week was about alignment.

And this week is about adjustment.

And we want to emphasize, do not make major adjustments, small, little things.

Oh, okay.

Because when we talk about making adjustments in our marriage, I think some people might think about something huge, something really big, something that’s completely changed your life and completely change how you operate your life and change your marriage.

But no, we’re not going to tell you to completely change your schedule.

We’re not going to tell you to find five more hours this week.

We’re not going to tell you how you must do these seven things this week.

You know, be successful.

That’s not what we’re talking about, is it, Teresa?

No, we’re talking about small adjustments.

They might even seem minute compared to other life changes that you’ve had in your years of marriage.

So we don’t want this to be anything overwhelming for anybody.

And sometimes you don’t really require more time in the week.

You just need to start doing something different that you already have.

That’s right.

We’ve been there.

We’ve been busy.

We have.

We raised three children.

Teresa homeschooled them for the most part.

She did 90 over 90% of the homeschooling.

I helped a little bit with the math, chemistry, physics, and stuff like that, but she did the hard stuff and.

But we were busy.

We’re busy with the kids.

They were doing that.

They had music lessons.

They had me had tap or dance or gymnastics and we were involved in our church.

Sunday morning, Sunday night.

Wednesday night, worship team practice.

It goes on and on.

Right.

We were busy, very busy.

And each of those kids, they didn’t.

They weren’t going to music lesson the same hour.

Sometimes on different days.

Sometimes on different days.

Yes.

Yes.

Because they were different levels.

So you had to have different teachers.

Yeah.

Yes.

So I was working out, worked outside the house.

Teresa.

Worked inside the house.

Then we had ministry.

There’s things to do on the house.

You know, grass has me mowed.

No.

Got to clean, laundry done, dishes washed, kids put to bed, clothes washed, folded.

And so there’s just a lot of things going on.

And I know for a small time, when your mom was in a rehab, we would go over and visit her on Saturday, and I would drop you off at the rehab center, and then I would take the kids to the mall.

Right.

On the carousel.

Oh, she really loved that.

Yeah.

I missed getting to see it.

But I’m glad that he got to keep the kids occupied and I could spend some quality time with my mother, which was invaluable.

It really is.

Don’t neglect to visit your aging parents, especially if they’re staying in a nursing home or even a retirement community.

They need family connection, something.

Want to emphasize that the things that were filling up our time were not bad things.

Homeschooling our kids were.

Wasn’t bad.

Taking them to lessons wasn’t bad.

Being involved in our church was bad.

No, Certainly seeing your mom wasn’t bad.

Those were good things.

And that’s right.

Things we wanted to do.

Yes.

But good things still take up time, Teresa.

Oh, they do.

Yes, of course.

And when you’re not intentional, eventually you can have your life filled with such good things that you don’t have any time left for your spouse.

And you’re not really connecting anymore.

And no one decides to drift apart.

No one says, let’s just grow apart.

Life can get full.

Exactly.

Yes.

Now, we know we were busy, and we’re.

No, just like you.

You’re busy.

But we have plenty to talk about, so we have kids and all those.

Those lessons, everything going on.

There’s a lot to talk about.

Teresa, that was pretty much primarily what we were talking about in those days.

When is this lesson?

When do we need to go there?

Who needs to go?

What time is this lesson?

What does this child need?

Hey, do you remember that?

Got to do this?

And what’s happened at church this week?

Is there no practice?

And what do we need at the store?

What are we doing this Saturday.

So there’s no shortage of conversation.

Right.

But just because you have plenty to talk about, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re connecting.

No, because this is all really surface level.

This is just managing responsibilities and managing calendar, like you said, and things going on with the kids.

But there’s no real communication.

There’s no real connection as a husband and wife in all these activities.

So one of the biggest judgments that we learned to make is not only to talk about what we needed to talk about, but we had to be intentional on talking about us.

That’s right.

That’s right.

So you can’t just talk about kids.

You can’t just talk about the calendar.

We can’t just talk about work.

We can’t just talk about what’s going on in the house.

We can’t just talk about what’s happening tomorrow.

But we had to talk about, how are you?

What have you been thinking about?

What’s been bothering you?

Yes, how can I pray for you husbands?

Here’s a pro tip.

When you go to your wife, tell ask her, how can I pray for you?

That is gold, right?

It is.

After you pick her up off the floor, then maybe she can tell you she’ll probably swoon.

No, that’s really valuable for a wife that gives so much assurance to her heart to know that she can share something with her husband and he will pray for her and pray with her about that.

And wives, you can ask your husband, how can I encourage you?

Yes.

That’s really powerful.

Yes.

How can I encourage you, Jeff?

Oh, is there anything been bothering you on your mind that we need to talk about?

And what are you excited about?

What about our marriage are you excited about?

And what do you dream about?

What’s God showing you?

And is there anything that you want to do that you’re not getting an opportunity to do?

Oh, yes.

That’s so good.

That.

That was a great question for me.

Like, during the time with raising the kids and homeschooling them, it’s like my whole life was about the children.

So if he said, there’s something you want to do that you’re not getting to do, that was a great opportunity for me to say, I just want to do so and such and such by myself.

Or just take me here and just have some time together, that was just so valuable to me because I didn’t have that just normally.

And listen, it’s like your marriage just does not drift into closeness.

No, no, it just doesn’t naturally.

It just in what we call that in autopilot, you.

If you put your marriage on autopilot, it will not drift into closeness.

It will drift into disassociation.

Really?

And so we get personal with your.

In your conversations.

Yes.

And I think that is what.

One of the biggest things that we learned about remaining friends.

And you know our story.

We were friends for two and a half years before our first date, but.

Right.

Friends don’t just exchange information.

That’s good.

Friends.

So true.

Share themselves.

Yes, yes.

You share of yourself with each other.

And it’s something that each of you needs to be receptive to.

If I’m going to share my heart with Jeff, he can’t just say, okay, now I’ve got to go do something.

He’s got to be listening, actively listening.

And not just trying to solve the problem, but listen with his heart so he can understand how I’m talking to him from my heart.

And it’s personal.

And he takes that as personal and sees it as something precious.

And we still have to do this today.

It was funny because now our kids are grown.

They’re grown.

They don’t need much.

They don’t need much parenting other than them asking us for advice and asking for our opinion.

Oh, okay.

Jeff and Teresa, you guys don’t have that problem anymore.

And we would say, oh, yes, we do, because we have a grandbaby.

We could talk about that Grandbaby, oh, my goodness.

Day long.

Oh, yes.

Oh, remember when she said this?

Oh, remember when she did this?

Oh, remember when she was little?

She did this.

Remember this?

And we can talk about her.

And we could bring up our phones and look at the videos and the.

Pictures that we take.

Lover.

And just.

And we can just talk about her all day.

Really, all day long.

We could just totally.

So we love our children.

We love our family.

We love our grandbaby.

Even.

Even now we have to remember we need to talk about us.

Okay?

Not because our family isn’t important, because our marriage is important, too.

If you’re not sharing personal things with each other, you’re really going to be starving.

You’ll feel like you’re starving in your marriage the way you feel really hungry.

If you’re hungry for hours, you start to get irritable.

I don’t like this.

I don’t like doing without food.

I don’t like feeling like I can’t have something that my body needs.

You both need communication.

You both need contact with each other.

You both need personal time sharing what’s on each other’s heart, what’s on each other’s mind.

And if not, you’re going to feel like you’re starving.

Teresa, I think it’s really important thing that we learned is to share something personal every day.

Yes, that’s right.

Profound.

It doesn’t have to be earth shattering.

It doesn’t have to be life changing.

No, it’s just so you don’t have to sit down every evening and say, tonight we’re going to have a deeply meaningful marital conversation.

No, no.

That sounds exhausting.

Teresa, at 7:30, prepare yourself for emotional intimacy.

Oh dear.

No, that’s not.

We’re talking about.

We’re talking about something that happens naturally.

Maybe when we’re walking, maybe we’re driving to the store.

Maybe we’re sitting across each other at the kitchen table.

Maybe it’s when we’re eating dinner, maybe we’re having pillow talk at the end of the day.

It’s just sometime in today we want to share something that is not information.

Yes, that’s right.

Something personal would be.

Is the best.

And sometimes one question can open the.

Door more than just how was your day?

Which may just come out, be fine, but.

And then both say, fine, fine, conversation’s over.

No, here we go.

These are some great questions to ask each other every day.

What was the best part of your day?

Was there anything today that discouraged you?

That’s a good one.

What have you been thinking about?

What are you looking forward to?

What did the Lord show you today?

I really like that one.

What can I pray about for you?

Now we’re getting somewhere.

The type of questions that invite discussion.

Yeah.

Invite your spouse to open up in a safe environment to share whatever is on their hearts.

Right?

Yes.

That’s so good.

So, no, you notice the adjustment?

We didn’t have to find another hour in a day.

We didn’t have to find that 25th hour.

No, that’s right.

It was.

We’re going to use some of the time we’ve already been given differently.

We’re already in the car, so let’s talk.

That’s right.

We’re already eating.

Let’s engage.

We’re already lying in bed, so let’s.

We’re not going to stare at our phones until we fall asleep.

No, we have a rule.

There are no phones in the bedroom.

Yeah, that’s a good one.

Now, if one of our kids was out late or, or something like that, we would have our phone just in case they need to contact us or something like that.

Or if we knew something’s going on with a relative, they may need to contact us in the middle of night.

We would have the phone in our room, but as a general rule, we’re not looking at our phones.

No.

No.

So you might.

You’re already going for a walk once.

You just talk while you’re walking and share what’s happening inside yourself that’s redeeming.

The time isn’t a tree.

It sure is.

You’re putting something meaningful into the time that was already there.

We’ve talked about this a lot.

Kronos and Kairos.

Kronos is passing away.

Every person in the world gets 86,400 seconds in a day.

You get that.

It’s given to you.

That is chronological time, but it is not.

Kerose Carolus is meaningful time.

Now, if you’re going to drive to the store, that may take you 15 minutes.

No matter what, it’s going to take you 15 minutes where you connect or not.

See?

Might as well connect.

Yes.

Dinner is going to take how long it takes to cook dinner.

Might as well.

You’re going to be sitting there.

You might as well talk, Right?

That’s right.

So is.

What are you going to build within that time?

Yes.

Yes.

Now, there’s nothing revolutionary about taking a walk, is there?

No.

So we haven’t.

We.

Not.

We didn’t invent walking.

But it’s something about walking together that makes conversation easier.

You’re.

You’re.

You’re walking.

You don’t have any distractions.

It’s hard to be looking at your phone while you’re walking.

You’re together and you get to start talking.

And sometimes you can talk about something important, sometimes not.

That’s right.

You could talk about something makes you laugh about what’s going on in the neighborhood.

You talk about what’s going on in the family.

You talk about what something God is doing.

Yeah.

But you’re together.

That’s right.

And you can listen to each other.

That’s right.

Because connection isn’t just about talking.

It’s also about active listening.

Isn’t Theresa?

It sure is.

Yes.

And another thing that we’ve done a lot, which is really help us redeem the time, is when we’re driving someplace, we spend a lot of time in the car together, don’t we, Teresa?

Yes.

Everything in Texas is far apart.

Yeah.

Everything is 20 to 30 minutes away.

So we learned that when we’re driving someplace, it can become meaningful time.

Now, we’re not adding anything to the schedule.

If the grocery store is 20 minutes away, the grocery store 20 minutes away, and we got to drive to the store.

We got to drive to church, and we’re going to be driving anyway.

But so that drive can just become transportation or that drive, it can become conversation.

And sometimes it is easier to talk in the car.

You’re sitting next to each other.

There’s not much pressure.

And sometimes a conversation that happens that you weren’t planning.

That’s one reason I don’t think couples should become so rigid about intentionality that every meaningful conversation has to be scheduled.

You don’t have to schedule every single meaningful conversation.

No.

This can be spontaneous just because you’re actually together doing something, normal activity.

Like we talked about, we’re creating space so you just paying attention when the opportunity comes.

That’s right.

Now we talked about phones already.

We can skip that part.

And something that’s really transformed our relationship is prayer.

Praying together.

And praying doesn’t have to be complicated, does it, Teresa?

No, it doesn’t.

I think just little things that come up you can pray about together on a daily basis.

It’s really.

Should be like a normal rhythm to your marriage.

Right.

We talked before about praying with and over each other.

And there’s something intimate about hearing your spouse pray.

Just, lord, bless our family.

But here, Teresa, pray about something that she knows I’m dealing with or she hears me praying about something that she knows I know that she’s dealing with.

And so that communicates.

I heard you.

I care.

Yeah.

I know what’s happening in your life, and I bring it before God with you.

That’s a special kind of connection, isn’t Theresa?

It is.

I don’t think anything can top that.

Really.

That’s just so precious that we can have that in our marriage.

And it’s not just like you’re adding God to cheese to the top of your spaghetti.

That is all through the spaghetti.

Yes.

Now, not every adjustment will work forever.

So what?

You make an adjustment in one season of your marriage, it may not work in another season your marriage.

That’s okay.

You can make more adjustments, right?

That’s right.

So when our kids were young and the life looked one way, now it looks different.

And you might be sitting there with a newborn and you might say, there is no way we can do what Jeff and Teresa are doing right now.

But.

And you’re right.

That’s right.

And you don’t need to know.

You don’t copy our schedule.

There is no perfect schedule.

No.

We do not have perfect skills.

Teresa and I do not have the perfect schedule.

No.

So they’ll be wrong for you to copy our Schedule.

But you need to find what works for your season and your marriage right now.

15 Minutes together is a victory.

That’s right.

Maybe you can’t have a weekly Friday night date night because your circumstances.

We couldn’t always.

We had trouble finding babysitters.

Difficult.

We could not have weekly dates outside the house.

But you can have breakfast together.

You can take a walk.

You can put the kids to bed and sit on the patio on the front porch.

I’m not saying abandon your children in the house and leave them.

You still be responsible for little kids.

You can make sure they’re safe.

But you can be on the porch or you can be on the patio.

They’re safe, right?

Yes.

You could talk 15 minutes before you go to sleep.

So the adjustment asks, what can we do in the life God has given us right now?

That’s right.

Not, what would we do if our life was completely different?

No, that won’t work.

It’s like, if you could start from scratch, how would you build your life?

No, we’re not asking you to do that.

We’re just saying, with the life you have now, what adjustment can you make to make it better?

That’s right.

And it’s so important not to compare our marriages to someone else’s marriage.

That’s right.

Because you’re not walking the same path as someone else.

You’re not walking the path that Teresa and I are walking.

We’re not walking the path that you are walking.

But it’s so easy to compare.

Yes, it really is.

You might see another couple going away for the weekend.

They might have built in babysitters.

They might have parents nearby or siblings nearby that just have easy babysitters.

And they might be taking all these trips, the long weekends, vacations away.

And they might have a date night every Friday night.

They do this, they do that.

And maybe you can’t.

That’s okay.

The question isn’t about whether your marriage looks like someone else’s.

Question is whether or not you’re intentionally investing in yours.

That’s right.

Investing in your marriage with what you have and what works for you.

Remember, time is not redeemed by how much you have.

It’s redeemed by what you intentionally build within it.

Now, we need to let emphasize this again.

Do not make every change at once.

We didn’t learn to do everything at once.

Oh, no, we didn’t just sit down one day.

Okay, we have it figured out.

We’re going to start Monday morning.

We’re going to start doing this, and we’re Going to do the week completely different than we’ve ever done before.

And we have a new schedule.

Everyone’s on a new schedule.

And we’re going to be on this 15 minute schedule.

We’re going to get this.

We’re going to get this done.

It doesn’t work.

So we’re still learning, we’re still adjusting.

That’s part of being married for a lifetime.

You change your spouse, changes your circumstances, changes your family, changes your responsibility.

You just need to sit down and ask, what is what we’ve been doing still working for us?

That’s a really good question because sometimes.

We keep doing something simply because we’ve always done it and the seasons changed.

Exactly.

Maybe the adjustment isn’t adding anything to your marriage.

Sometimes you have to let something go.

That’s right.

So it really takes evaluation, doesn’t it, Jeff?

Some adjustments require a.

No.

That’s really harder.

It is harder.

Yes.

Because if every minute is already committed, you can’t create space without changing something.

Yes.

And the thing you say no to might be good.

And that makes it difficult.

And we talked about this last week during alignment because good things crowd out.

Great, great things.

That’s right.

The Justin is we’re not going to do that this season.

We’re going to step back from this.

We’re not going to schedule something every evening and we’re going to protect this time.

And that’s not selfish.

Your children do not have to participate in everything.

No.

So you’re talking about just having a more balanced life between your marriage and what’s going on with your kids, the family as a whole.

You have to look at it as being more balanced because things can get, like we said, so far out of alignment that there’s no focus on the marriage.

So you’ve got to talk about it and pray about it together, about what adjustments you make in your family, in your life, in your marriage.

He ask yourselves, what does God want in our life to look like in this season?

That’s right.

Now we want to make something very clear.

The goal of adjustment isn’t to have a better calendar.

No, it’s not.

May have a prettier calendar.

No, we’re not doing time management for the sake of time management.

We don’t want to see a user balance your calendar.

See, my calendar is balanced.

It’s perfect.

We’re not.

We only want to make adjustments that build something so you can have a busy calendar and still have great connection.

You can have a empty calendar and have no connection.

But we want adjustments that Build something.

And that’s where we’re going to go next week, Teresa.

Yes.

We’re going to talk about investment next week.

We come, we become aware, we look at how our time is aligned with what matters.

We make adjustments.

Why?

So we have something to invest.

That’s right.

Time, attention, presence, conversation, affection, prayer, friendship, connection.

That’s right.

You’ll create room for what matters.

Adjustment will create that room for you.

Investment determines what you build in that room.

So if we were really sitting at our kitchen table right now in our home, I don’t think we would send you a home with a list of 10 things to do.

No, no.

We probably asked, what’s one small adjustment that will make it easier for the two of you to connect?

Just one.

Just one thing.

Is it putting our phones down for 30 minutes after dinner?

Is it we’re taking a walk together two times this week.

Is it we’re going to bed 15 minutes earlier so we can talk.

Maybe it’s we’re going to pray together before I leave for work this week.

Maybe Saturday morning we’re getting coffee together.

Or maybe instead of doing separate errands, we’re doing the errands together.

Yes, that’s right.

Or maybe it’s the one that mattered most to us.

Every day we’re going to share something personal with each other.

Yeah.

Not just what needs to happen tomorrow, but what’s happening with you.

So you can ask.

I’m sorry.

And I think it’d be good to ask your spouse what would mean the most to them.

Oh, that’s good.

Now I might decide what means most of Teresa while ever asking.

Teresa.

Right.

And I’ll make this wonderful adjustment that she never asked for.

Exactly.

Wow.

It’d be good to ask what’s one small thing we could change that would help you feel more connected to me?

And then listen, don’t defend.

Don’t come up with excuses.

Don’t explain why it’s impossible.

Oh, no.

Just listen and maybe their answer will surprise you.

So this takes us all the way back to the redeemed time.

Arc time.

Those are those ordinary moments.

Then patterns after.

When something small gets repeated, then direction.

And when that pattern begins taking relationship somewhere, then we get to outcome.

Eventually we experience what those patterns have been building.

But because of God, there’s another word.

Yes.

This is the best part.

Redemption.

Yes.

So maybe your patterns haven’t been what you wanted.

Maybe you’ve been living on leftover time.

Maybe you’ve gotten out of alignment.

Maybe you’re listening today and thinking We’ve been doing this for years.

Okay.

Today can still be different.

You don’t need to change everything today.

That’s right.

You just begin one different choice.

One conversation, one walk, one prayer, one protective moment.

One.

No, one.

Yes.

And do it again.

Because eventually those small adjusts become patterns also, and those patterns can begin making your marriage take a different direction.

So, Teresa, if people are listening today, could only remember one thing from our conversation today.

What do you hope it is?

Wow.

Probably that small things really do matter.

Those small adjustments are the best.

Don’t wait until you can do something big.

Don’t wait till life isn’t busy, because that’s not going to happen.

So look at the time you already have and ask how you can use some of it differently.

And make sure that you’re still taking so.

And make sure that you’re still talking to each other personally, not just about everything and everybody else.

And you want to keep learning about each other.

This is going to happen in your conversations, keep sharing your hearts, and of course, be best friends.

Oh, I love that part.

I would probably add, you don’t need to change everything to change your direction.

No,.

Your marriage doesn’t need a complete overhaul.

Maybe it just needs one intentional adjustment that you repeat long enough for it become a new pattern.

So sometime today, ask your spouse, what’s one small thing we can change that would help us feel more connected?

And don’t just talk about it.

Try it.

And then give each other grace.

While you’re learning, you’re learning a new pattern.

Sometimes that takes a while.

Sometimes, yes.

It’s easy to get into old habits.

Oh, yes.

But you can learn a new trick.

So next week, we’re going to move into investment, because once we created some room in our calendar, we need to decide what we’re going to build inside of it.

And that’s when this starts getting really exciting.

Because we’re not just trying to have more time together.

We’re trying to build something with it.

That’s right.

Something that strengthens your friendship and your marriage.

Because time is not redeemed by how much you have.

It’s redeemed by what you intentionally build within it.

And remember, God, design husband and wife.

To be friends for life.