We live together — but do I really know you?

Hi, I’m Jeff Fields.

And I’m Teresa Fields.

And.

This is inspiring.

Marriages, where we believe that God has designed husband and wife to be friends for life.

After 35 years of marriage, you wouldn’t think that we much left for us to discover about each other, but we found out something wonderful.

The longer we’re married, the more we realize that knowing someone’s habits and knowing their heart are two very different things.

And today we want to explore one of the beautiful gifts that God designed for marriage.

The opportunity to be truly known.

And today we want to talk about the difference between familiarity and.

And intimacy.

You can spend all day with a person and become very familiar with them.

You can become very familiar with a coworker, with a roommate and know a lot about them, become very familiar.

But there’s a big difference between familiarity and being intimate with someone, being intimate with your spouse, knowing what is going on inside them.

Why do they think the way they think?

Why do they feel the way they feel?

Marriage gives us a huge opportunity, doesn’t it, Teresa, to just understand another person?

It really does.

Yes, it does.

I think just being in a covenant gives you just such an advantage because God is in your midst and he’s going to make sure that you’re seeing each other’s hearts in the relationship if you’re truly allowing him to work in your marriage.

And we are beginning what we call the closer than ever series, where the goal is a deeper intimacy, and it’s not really about finding problems in marriage.

Familiarity tells you what your spouse does.

Intimacy helps you understand who your spouse is.

Teresa, is there something about us today that we didn’t understand about each other before we were married?

Oh, I’m sure there are many, many things.

I think understanding the way each other thinks and the.

We could see some of that just, you know, on surface level.

But really knowing each other for decades makes a tremendous difference as to how we can understand.

You know, I know how he thinks now about a lot of things.

I know why he does a lot of things that he.

And I’m sure he feels the same way about me.

It’s just really an adventure getting to know each other on a much deeper level.

Let’s talk about God’s design.

Naked and not ashamed.

Let’s go back to Genesis, chapter 2, verses 24 and 25 in the New King James Version.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife.

And.

And we’re not ashamed.

So this gives us God’s original picture of marriage.

Unity, closeness and innocence.

We talk about being naked and not ashamed.

We got move beyond just thinking about clothes.

That’s talking about being totally open to each other without fear of rejection, about being.

Be expressive to each other, about innocence, about real closeness.

Relationship between a husband and wife is a unique relationship.

It’s a closeness that has not mirrored in any other relationship that you have, not with your parents, not with your siblings, not with roommates, not with close friends.

It is a very unique relationship.

Right, Teresa?

That’s right.

So what’s so beautiful about this kind of relationship, according to the scripture, is that we can be known in our marriage without constantly being concerned about managing our image.

We see that so much in the world that everyone is trying to present some kind of image to their workplace and in their family or to their friends or even in church circles.

You know, we tend to try to project this image like, everything’s good with me.

I’m okay.

I don’t have any problems, or, you know, I’m not worried or upset about anything.

But in a marriage, things are going to come out right.

You can’t completely keep that from your spouse, but it’s so beautiful because there’s no shame in that.

That’s what we’re talking about.

So in an atmosphere of trust and care, that’s when openness flourishes and your spouse can see you just as you are and accept you just as you are.

You can be accepted just as you are.

One of the beautiful possibilities of marriage is being known beyond what the rest of the world sees.

Here we have a mini couple challenge.

We call it beyond the surface.

Here’s something for you to ask your spouse.

What’s something about you that I might take for granted because we’ve been together so long?

Let’s talk about knowing the heart, not just the facts.

In Proverbs, chapter 20, verse 5 in the New King James Version tells us, counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

So your spouse’s heart is.

Is a deep well.

And it takes understanding and it takes love and it takes acceptance to draw that out of your spouse’s heart.

Right, Theresa?

So true.

Yes, that’s the way I see it.

Exactly.

There’s a big difference of knowing the facts about your spouse and knowing what those facts mean.

I know Sergeant Joe Friday, Dragon only wanted the facts.

It takes more than that to understand why your spouse feels the way they feel and why your spouse does the Things they do.

So it really gets down to each of us has different personal experiences, especially when we first come into the marriage.

But even after we’re married, I’m experiencing things that you may not be experiencing because we’re in different places when you’re at work and I’m at home.

But also, if we experience the same thing, we’re not going to have the same reaction or maybe even the same perception of what happened.

So it really helps to learn to talk about these things and bring those things out, even if there’s no conflict.

Still, like you said, we’re on this journey of understanding each other’s heart more and more as our marriage goes on.

Deep intimacy is not about becoming identical.

It’s about appreciating the person who your spouse really is.

Let’s talk about the four beautiful dimensions of intimacy.

Number one, emotional intimacy.

Discovering the heart.

Romans chapter 12, verse 15 in New King James tells us, rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

Marriage is about sharing your joys along with sharing the disappointments.

There are going to be people that you say goodbye to.

There’ll be people you’ll say hello to.

People will come and go in your life, and that’s part of life.

But you share those moments of joy with each other and you care about what your.

Your spouse’s experience.

That’s right.

So when you go in together, you’re experiencing this together.

So it’s like, you know, when we have to say goodbye to a parent, we share in that.

That’s right.

No matter whose parent it is, we share in those.

Those experiences and we help each other feel understood and supported.

It’s all about is married, what marriage is.

We’re supporting each other.

God has made us one flesh.

That’s so important because you’re not going to find that in other places.

And it’s better not to try to look for it in other places.

Friends can be helpful, but really, you know, beyond your relationship with God, just second to that is, like Jeff said, this supportiveness, this caring for one another, this belongs in the marriage relationship.

And it’s nice to have friends that know what you’re dealing with.

But this is really where God wants the covenant love to be expressed the strongest.

Emotional intimacy means your spouse’s inner world matters to you.

Let’s talk about spiritual intimacy, sharing the faith.

Colossians 3:16 tells us, Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another.

In psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, sing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

We should be encouraging each other spiritually.

We should be sharing the things that God is sharing with us.

What are we learning?

What are we learning from the Word?

What are we learning from a sermon?

What are we learning from a teaching?

We should be sharing that with our spouse.

We’re not silos that are building our own ladder to heaven.

We are together.

We’re a team, and we’re encouraging.

Yes, you can do it.

Yes, you can do it.

Yes,.

Yes, you can do it.

Yes, you can do it.

Our marriage has.

Was built to last.

So we spirit, our spiritual journey is a.

Is not on a lonesome road somewhere.

We’re walking hand in hand, skipping on this road and going towards.

Wow,.

The mark, right?

I.

Love.

That.

Of our high calling.

That’s a beautiful picture.

I mean, of course the Lord is walking with us, but to have someone, a partner in life, to go through everything together and to grow spiritually together, I just love that.

You know, as you were sharing that, I was thinking, I may think, wow, God showed me this in a devotion today.

Or draw my.

Drew my attention to a particular scripture, and it really ministered to me.

If I share it with Jeff.

If you share something that God showed you and made it important to you, then share it with your spouse.

That could be just what your spouse needed that day, to be uplifted and encouraged.

So it’s so important to do that.

Our spiritual life should be just a normal part of our marriage.

We should be praying together.

We should be worshiping together.

We should be growing in our faith together.

Make the topic of God just normal in your household.

This is something we just normally talk about, and it’s.

And your children should see it.

Anybody who comes over to your house should see it.

God is just a normal part of our lives.

That’s so good.

That’s so good, you know, and I think that if you see a couple that’s not growing spiritually together, it’s really going to be so much harder for them to be one in the other areas.

So you want to grow together and not have one growing by leaps and bounds and the other one just way down here not making that same journey of faith.

Spiritual intimacy grows when faith becomes part of the life that you share with your spouse.

Let’s talk about physical intimacy, tenderness and affection.

And from Song of Solomon, chapter 2, verse 6, in New King James.

His left hand under my head, his right hand embraces me.

There is a beauty about physical closeness in marriage.

And I’m.

And let’s.

Get beyond.

It’s way more than just the act of marriage is.

Involves tender touch.

It is re embracing, it’s reassuring each other.

Yes,.

Affection.

So physical intimacy is a God given gift expressed with mutual love and care.

It is the most unique aspect of your, of your relationship with your spouse.

This is something that is you can never share with someone else.

It is only for your spouse.

I don’t hold other ladies hands, I don’t rub their backs, I don’t give them foot rubs, I don’t rub their necks.

You know,.

You don’t give them kisses, I.

Don’t give them kisses, I don’t give them long hugs.

So is this only something for my.

My wife?

Exactly.

Is soft and it’s affectionate and it’s reassuring.

Right, Teresa?

Oh, that’s so important.

And you know, husbands really listen to that because that speaks volumes to a woman’s heart.

Those little tender signs of affection are so important.

This is what ministers to your wife’s heart.

That she’s reassured over and over and over that you care for her.

That there’s nobody else that you would even be interested in but her.

And it, it’s, it’s just so important.

This really helps the wife feel reassured and secure in their marriage.

I think we heard a marriage teaching years ago about the importance of greeting each other hello and kissing each other goodbye.

How important that is in a marriage to.

When one of you comes home, just don’t for the other one, just look them, say oh hi, welcome home.

No, go over to them and embrace them.

And a 20, 30 second hug during the day means the world.

It does, it does.

And you know, we had to kind of make more effort in that area.

We realized after we heard that teaching, we need to do more of that because we have been kind of just passing each other when you know, one is leaving or one’s coming home.

And that’s, that’s not okay.

Because we have this precious relationship and we need to do everything that we can to continue to sow into this marriage and build this marriage.

Tenderness is one the beautiful ways love becomes something we can feel.

Let’s talk about intellectual intimacy.

Knowing the mind.

And when we first started studying intimacy, I did not find a lot of material talking about intellectual intimacy.

It’s not taught very often.

And it’s about sharing your dreams, it’s about sharing your interests.

It’s about ideas, exchanging ideas.

It’s about doing puzzles together, it’s about going to museum together.

It’s about.

Learning new things.

Together.

Things together.

Right?

Yes.

It’s just, you know, in your, your journey with your spouse of just learning new things and learning to appreciate your different perspectives, that’s fine.

But, you know, have a game night.

You know, just do things that are fun.

Watch documentaries, read a book.

Yes, do fun things.

That’s.

Right.

So continue to discover what captures your spouse’s imagination.

You can be married for decades and still have wonderful things to discover about that person besides you.

Right, Theresa?

That’s so true.

I mean, our thinking and our dreams and our desires, they have changed over the years.

So if we just knew each other from where we were in 10 years of marriage, now, over three decades, three and a half decades, things have definitely changed.

So if I’m still back where we were at 10 years of marriage, then I really don’t know what Jeff is thinking about now or what he’s, you know, desiring to do or something new he wants to learn.

So there’s always more to discover.

Couples challenge.

Celebrate your connection.

Ask.

Each other this question.

Which of these four dimensions has brought us particular joy in our marriage?

And why?

Ask that question.

We want to talk about loving the whole person.

First Corinthians, chapter 13 is the love.

Chapter talks about love is patient, love is kind, love does not parade itself, love is not puffed up, etc.

This chapter emphasizes the biblical qualities of patience, kindness, truth, hope, and enduring love.

Now, every husband and wife, you enter into your marriage with expectations.

Some of these expectations were spoken and some were just assumptions.

You expected your wife to behave in a certain way.

You expected your husband to ex.

Act in a certain way.

And when he or she doesn’t do those things, you’re disappointed and you feel, you can feel hurt.

Even.

Though you’d assume that they would act a certain way, right?

Yes.

That sounds like the whole first year of marriage.

Unfortunately, the typical dating relationship is not really an opportunity for you to discover the real person.

And there’s some things you can’t share with each other in a dating relationship.

But it’s intentionally or not intentionally, you project the best version of yourself and.

Only your good qualities.

Right?

And.

But when you get in the marriage, you know, you can’t keep pretending anymore.

Intentional or unintentionally, your spouse sees the real person.

The spouse sees how you leave the bathroom.

The spouse sees how you leave the kitchen.

Your spouse sees how they, how you treat your clothes.

They, they see, you know, if you really have a spiritual walk or not.

Oh, yeah, they see all those things.

They see how you act in real life when no one Else is looking, they see.

All right, so.

But.

So marriage will reveal a person’s unique strengths, their weaknesses, and their perspectives, right, Teresa?

That is so true.

So you have to learn to accept each other.

Even with all the flaws, the things you didn’t expect to see in your spouse, they’re there.

But instead of judging them or, you know, resenting those things, you have to allow each other to grow, don’t you, Jeff?

To.

To start growing.

Pray about those qualities that are, you know, not your favorite thing about your spouse.

Pray for them that.

That they can improve in those areas, but not just to please you, but because you want them to become the person God created them to be.

Right?

But we accept each other, you know, flaws and all, or mistakes and all.

I mean, didn’t God accept us while we were still sinners?

I mean, if he can do that and love us, then we can love each other with.

With faults.

So what we’re talking about is genuine intimacy.

And when you have this in your marriage, it involves loving the real person.

This is what we’re talking about.

You’re not trying to love them based on some imaginary perfect version.

I mean, if I thought Jeff was just a prince in a castle, you know, that didn’t even work in our first year of marriage.

I certainly can’t look at him that way.

Like, oh, he always makes the perfect decisions, and he always has the right tone of voice, and he commands this, and it happens, he does that, and everything works out perfectly.

That’s just not.

That’s not real.

And I need to love him where he is and who he is, and I can believe for great things in his life and love him in the process of growing.

So we accept one another in this process of personal growth.

I’m growing in the Lord.

I’ve been learning things all of these 35 years, so much more than where I was and who I was when we got married.

So I accept Jeff as he’s growing in the Lord and growing in knowledge, growing in learning new things, discovering new things.

And the great part is we accept each other even though we’re not growing the same ways, but we can enjoy the journey together, enjoy the process together.

Right?

Biblical love is both gracious and truthful.

But we’re not talking about making excuse from harmful or destructive behavior.

We’re not talking about that.

Well, that’s how I am.

That’s.

No, that is not acceptable.

Harmful or destructive behavior is never acceptable.

And that those things have to be dealt with.

So the beauty of intimacy isn’t being loved because you’re perfect.

It’s being loved as a real person who is still growing.

So, Teresa, what are some of the qualities in each other that we have grown to appreciate?

You go first.

I know I have really appreciated seeing you be a father.

Just seeing more of, like, the father’s heart as you are raising our children.

And it didn’t mean you were just all mushy love all the time.

You accepted them and you helped them when they made mistakes and you corrected them.

You know, I could see a lot of qualities of God in the way that you raised our children along with me.

And I saw you just becoming stronger in your character by being a father.

When we got married, Teresa wasn’t really anxious or really excited about becoming a mother.

She really wasn’t.

She had not been around a lot of babies, hadn’t had a lot of.

A lot of experience with it.

But when she’s had her children, oh, my goodness, the motherly qualities came out, and she’s shown and she homeschooled and she raised them.

Now we have a granddaughter.

Oh, my goodness.

And she is a real Marmee.

She really is.

She is mommy all over.

And anything that grandbaby needs, Marmee takes care of it.

She’s gonna get.

She’s gonna get it.

Couples Challenge Speak appreciation.

Tell your spouse.

One thing that I appreciate more today than we.

We were first married is this.

And then tell your spouse, both of you take turns and.

And say what you appreciate about each other.

Teresa, let’s talk about growing closer through the seasons.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 in New King James version says, to everything, there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.

Every marriage moves through different seasons.

You have different seasons in your life.

You know, when you’re.

Your marriage is different today.

Whether You’ve been married 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years.

Your marriage is different today than it was year one or year three or year five.

Your marriage has.

You have matured.

You have grown, grown wiser.

Your marriage has changed through the seasons.

You may have had children, you may not have children.

You.

You.

You just got older.

You can.

You maybe had.

Take be caregivers.

You have gone through different seasons in your marriage.

We went through the nudity year, started raising children in year two,.

You went through career changes.

Career changes.

We moved,.

Yes,.

Twice.

Major moves twice.

We have ministry opportunities.

We are involved in our church.

We have responsibilities for our families.

We’re growing older, so we had to understand each other and grow deeper in our understanding through those shared Experiences.

Right, Teresa?

Yes.

It’s amazing how those shared experiences really help you grow closer together, even the ones that are not so happy.

Sharing all of your experiences together in a marriage really enriches your relationship,.

Right?

And every season can reveal something new about the person we married.

The changes that we’ve seen happen in our lives, in our marriage, it doesn’t have to threaten our intimacy.

And that’s so true for you, too.

Change can actually provide opportunities for discovery.

We have to learn how to celebrate the beauty of a lifelong relationship that continues growing.

A lifetime together does not mean a lifetime of sameness.

It can mean a lifetime of discovery.

Couples Challenge, Remember and celebrate.

Ask each other, what’s one season of our marriage that helped you see a beautiful quality in me that you had not fully recognized before?

Now we talk about the final couples challenge.

Three beautiful discoveries.

So we want to encourage you to share three things with each other.

Number one, something I already know and deeply appreciate about you.

Share that with each other.

Number two, now share this with each other, something I’ve come to understand more fully over the years.

And number three, something I would still love to discover about you.

Now, share those three things with each other and enhance your marriage.

Now, this is a celebration of your marriage, not an examination.

So make it light hearted, make it fun, and just enjoy the discussion together.

One of the greatest gifts of marriage is the opportunity to keep discovering someone you already love.

So we hope today’s program reminds you how beautiful it is to keep discovering the person who God has placed beside you.

And we would love to help you continue that journey.

At Inspiring Marriages, we we have created a collection of free resources designed to help husband and wife grow closer.

Did I say free, Teresa?

Yes, free.

Free.

One we especially like to Encourage you is 100 conversation starters for Christian couples.

There’s a link to it on our website, inspiring marriages.net resources and there’s a QR code right here.

So these conversation starters can open the door to meaningful conversations and help you discover things about each other that you never had thought to ask.

So next week in our program, we’re going to talk about emotional intimacy.

The beauty of feeling truly understood, supported and valued by the person you love.

The person you married is still becoming someone worth discovering.

And remember, God designed husband and wife to be friends for.

Life.